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The 16 most awesomely bad videogame movie moments


Doom, as anyone who’s played it can tell you, is about a lone space marine fighting demons on the moons of Mars. Doom the movie, meanwhile, is about a futuristic SWAT team led by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson fighting the mutant offspring of genetic experiments. We don’t even care where it takes place, we’ve already lost interest.


Above: Meh 

Even so, there was one scene that commanded the attention of anyone who sat through the trailers: a sequence shot in first-person, “just like the game.” We put that in quotes because it’s actually much closer to a haunted house at a carnival, with dudes in hokey costumes lunging out of the woodwork to take half-hearted swipes in the direction of the camera before being shot.


Above: What’s even going on here? 

It’s also surprisingly long (clocking in at over five minutes), and totally out of character with the rest of the movie. This is Hollywood’s idea of throwing gamers a bone. You might as well watch it:



It took us a few years, but we’ve swung around to the point where we absolutely love the first awful Street Fighter adaptation. Sure, it made Guile the center of the story, and cast unrepentant Belgian Jean-Claude Van Damme to play him. And yes, it was Raul Julia’s sad swan song before he died of cancer.


Above: His worst role… or his greatest? 

But if you watch it as a comedy, Street Fighter is actually a ridiculously awesome movie. Much of this is down to Julia’s wonderfully campy performance as M. Bison, although Van Damme deserves a good chunk of the credit, too.


Above: i AIM TOE-TALLY BELIVVABLE 

Besides, how can you take a movie seriously enough to be angry at it when it contains this portrait?

 

Or this desk, where Bison rides the saddle of the world?

Or this?


Above: BOOF 

In the end, we couldn’t pick just one favorite, awesomely terrible moment from Street Fighter, so we declared it a three-way tie between Bison’s levitation speech, Guile’s “we can all go home” address and Chun-Li’s strangely mocking story of her father’s death, which is followed by what may be the greatest comeback in cinema history. Watch and love:

Oh, and then there’s this:


Above: What 



God, Super Mario Bros. Where to even begin? Every scene in this movie is horrible in a really over-the-top way. Taking place in a twisted version of Manhattan where humans evolved from dinosaurs, Super Mario Bros. has about as much to do with the games it’s “based” on as it does with watchable filmmaking. Apparently there was a conflict over whether to make it into a kid’s movie or a more “adult” sci-fi fantasy, and the result is an embarrassing mess that nearly everyone involved has publicly disavowed.

With such a rich vein of awful, what do we pick on? Should we single out Koopa’s (Dennis Hopper) awkward attempt to seduce Princess Daisy (Samantha Mathis)?


Above: “You know what they say about… little girls…” 

Or how about the dance-club scene, in which a canary-yellow Mario tries to pick up an overweight, rubber-spike-covered bouncer with what might be the lamest line ever?


Above: Actual subtitles from the movie 

Or, hey, how about toward the beginning, when Daisy gets threatened by an evil developer who wants to build where she’s looking for dinosaur bones? And then immediately accepts a ride with two plumbers she’s just met?

Or Mojo Nixon’s inexplicable appearance as Toad?

Or the thing Koopa turns into at the end?


Above: What some creature designer thinks Bowser looks like 

Or this?


Above: Reebok? Really? 

No, we’ll go with the movie’s climax, when Koopa and Mario (Bob Hoskins) are magically transported from DInohattan to Brooklyn. First, a little context: before the scene begins, Koopa and Mario start to de-materialize as the dinosaur and human worlds are merged.

Which then explains this:

Once in Brooklyn, Koopa aims a “de-evolution gun” (actually just a repainted Super Scope 6) at Mario…

… who heroically leaps out of the way so Koopa can hit that evil developer from earlier instead.

The developer is then turned into a chimpanzee, much to the delight of the assembled crowd.


Above: “Ha ha! We laugh because his situation is one of unfathomable horror!” 

Then there’s something about Mario foiling Koopa by throwing a mushroom at him after the Super Scope makes it huge. You know what? Just watch it:

Apr 29, 2009

 


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77 comments

  • Psylockerules - June 1, 2010 11:32 p.m.

    gotta love the bison speech also i really laughed at the woman holding her shoe like WTF? the mario thing is just bad, so, so bad. and my bf wants to watch it *sigh* which means i better hunt down a copy on e-bay
  • Herschal - July 18, 2009 4:26 a.m.

    That bullet time in wing commander was so FAIL. I seriously burst out laughing when it happened. Which is bad because now my parents are going to realise I'm no tin bed a yell at me. Thank GR Luv ya
  • rodrigobernales - July 2, 2009 1:09 a.m.

    ADRENALine is not pumped out by the heart, it's made by the ADRENAL gland. It's also called EPInephrine, because the adrenal gland sits atop (epi) the kidneys (nephrine).
  • Doctalen - May 8, 2009 2:33 a.m.

    The first Resident Evil movie was cool. hot chick in the shower+skimpy dress not suited for fighting+ zombie things= average action movie But this was better till the second one and then the third, 5 minutes into the third movie I turned the TV off and went to sleep.
  • Harmon20 - May 3, 2009 10:02 p.m.

    #16. There's NO WAY that could ever happen.
  • Blackbird - May 3, 2009 4:56 p.m.

    I loled at the wing commander clip when the semi- bald captain was like "Oh, right, my time to talk" just before he did his line.
  • titchmeister - May 3, 2009 2:44 p.m.

    Am i the only one who actually noticed that in the house of the dead clip despite the fact that they shot hundreds of bullets there weren't any bullet casings and they somehow only needed to reload three times
  • gmilf71 - May 3, 2009 1:57 a.m.

    I think the hitman one was because they couldn't think of a better lead up to bald guys with suits, martial arts skills, and swords. RE chick is pretty hot.
  • theschwartzb - May 3, 2009 12:01 a.m.

    so... apparently, wehn sega holds raves on remote islands they like to bring a wide assortment of firearms and medieval weapons!!!
  • Skykid - May 2, 2009 12:58 p.m.

    Aieeeeee! Really crappy sh--! My eyes, my eyes!!!!
  • TheGreatLeon - May 2, 2009 2:26 a.m.

    Aw man, I love Postal!
  • R_U_Guys_From_British - May 1, 2009 11:17 p.m.

    nice soprano reference GR :-)
  • Flashkicker - May 1, 2009 6:04 a.m.

    this made me sooooo thankful of the time when i was at a blockbusters and picked up the mario brothers movie...and then set it back on the shelf. my brain thanked me.
  • cowsrule - April 30, 2009 10:44 p.m.

    in house of the dead, what is the point of throwing a grenade down the well? and why does no one attempt to save the asian girl? and why does the guy with the red light on his gun skip out the woods? and for anyone whos read the zombie survival guide, don't you have to get a head shot? stupid video game movies
  • Xeacons - April 30, 2009 10:39 p.m.

    Hey! The FPS sequence was the only WATCHABLE part of Doom. I slept through the rest. I swear on the fallen heroes of gaming, if I ever make it in Hollywood, I WILL make a GOOD game adaptation, and save our precious franchises! I swear never to make the same mistakes!
  • GamesRadarMikelReparaz - April 30, 2009 10:04 p.m.

    Eh, the "trust the fungus" thing in SMB actually makes some sense if you've seen the rest of the film. I'm not going to explain it, though. You'll just have to trust the fungus. Incidentally, "Trust the Fungus" would be an awesome band name.
  • Cerbeross - April 30, 2009 6:53 p.m.

    That mario clip was awful and hilarious
  • spoonman - April 30, 2009 4:23 p.m.

    LOL OMG the DOA one was terrible and very cheesey i think whoever found that cool must be real sad
  • noofer7 - April 30, 2009 2:21 p.m.

    GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, he really did say "trust the fungus"...
  • Geminiman82 - April 30, 2009 1:17 p.m.

    StefanGrey is right! Mark Decoscas (SP?) is the chairman for Iron Chef America. Course... He was in the super awesome movie "Brotherhood of The Wolf" with the uber sexy Monica Belucci

Showing 1-20 of 77 comments

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