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The 16 most awesomely bad videogame movie moments


It’s always fun to look back on predictions people in the past had about the future, especially when the “future” in question was years ago and the predictions are hilariously wrong. Such is the case with Double Dragon, which in 1994 predicted that by 2007, Los Angeles would be demolished by a quake, cars would run on garbage and Andy Dick would be a weatherman.


Above: Actual movie still 

It also predicted that the streets of New Angeles would be ruled by rejects from The Warriors…

And that the only people brave enough to stand up to them would look like this:


Above: This is how 1994 imagined street punks would dress two years ago 

And also like this:


Above: Psh. Nice wrist-socks, guys 

Does that bad guy in the middle panel look at all familiar? It’s Robert “T-1000” Patrick, who looks damn near unrecognizable as “shadow boss” Kogo Shuko, and probably would like to stay that way.


Above: “F*** you for reminding people this exists, GamesRadar” 

Finally, the movie predicted that by 2007, everyone’s trash-burning cars would have built-in police computers that could identify the person standing next to your car and menacing you. This is how we’re introduced to Bo Abobo (Nils Allen Stewart), a tragic figure who is always played for laughs.


Above: Cool, now you know trivia nobody else cares about 

While he starts out as a tough-but-stupid gang leader, Abobo is soon made a test subject in Shuko’s labs and given grotesquely huge muscles (but no new clothes to fit them).

Late in the film, he sees himself in the mirror – apparently for the first time – and has a bit of a moment:


Above: Bawwwwwwww 

If you’ve ever wanted to see a really bad latex creature cry about its own ugliness in a dingy restroom, well, now’s your chance:

 



When it comes to Uwe Boll’s Postal, there are generally two prevailing schools of thought. One holds that everything in the film is funny except for the scene where all the kids get shot, and the other maintains that the only funny thing in the film is the scene where all the kids get shot. We’re part of that latter school.


Above: Look, it’s funny in context. Just trust us for now, all right? 

The scene begins in Little Germany, a shitty theme park owned by Uwe Boll (playing himself). As the park unveils an exclusive shipment of must-have dolls, Postal creator Vince Desi unmasks himself and rushes Boll for making a shitty movie out of it.

This leads to what may be one of the best images ever committed to film:


Above: YES DESTROY HIM THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE 

Also, Chris Coppola is there.


Above: Apparently he insisted on wearing his street clothes for this scene 

Just then, Desi pulls a gun, and as nominal hero Postal Dude tries to wrestle it away from him, it goes off…

… killing this guy…

… which enrages these cops…

… and gives Boll an excuse to start shooting…

… which then draws fire from these terrorists, who were there to steal the dolls:

Now, see, what’s funny about what comes next is that all these armed guys are shooting directly at each other, and the only people they manage to kill are the only people they weren’t aiming at. Which is to say all the kids in the theme park.


Above: We like to think that the french-fry statue is the real culprit here 

Oh, and Boll gets shot, too. In the balls.


Above: See, we told you it was funny 

Still don’t see the humor in it? Maybe you should watch it for yourself, then:

 



Again, this is one we’ve hammered on before, when we unilaterally declared it the worst thing Uwe Boll ever filmed. But as time has worn on, we’ve come to realize that – while it’s far from the best thing he’s ever filmed – it’s easily the most memorable. And there’s no Chris Coppola anywhere!


Above: Nope, not here 

So, yeah, the House of the Dead movie – if you didn’t already know – is about a bunch of kids who go to an island near Vancouver for a rave sponsored by Sega.


Above: Actually it’s a pretty tiny rave 

All of them are then devoured by zombies, except for a core group of survivors who, after spending the movie cowering in fear, suddenly develop expert firearms proficiency and dive headlong into a series of stupid, Matrix-wannabe combat stunts. Because, you know, that’s what fans expect to see from a zombie movie.

It’s insipid, horrible and irredeemably hokey. What’s worse, it’s long, and it’s only made longer by a sequence in which one of the characters, after watching another character get mauled by zombies, has a fast-forward flashback of the entire scene we just watched.


Above: DID NOT NEED TO SEE AGAIN THANK YOU 

Oh, and sequences from the House of the Dead games are liberally spliced in, possibly to add “context” and be “total bullshit.”


Above: Actual movie still 

We’re tired of talking about this thing now. Just watch it already, provided you’ve got seven minutes and nothing better to do:

 



Really, you didn’t even need to sit through Resident Evil to know about this one – it was burned into everyone’s mind the second it showed up in the trailers. The idea of someone in the Resident Evil universe delivering a flying kick to a zombie dog’s face is so ridiculous (or at least it was, prior to RE4) that it instantly became the image most readily associated with the movie.

But first, a bit of context: the Resident Evil movie centers around Alice (Milla Jovovich) who’s trying to escape the underground Umbrella lab from the first game along with some friends, several of whom wind up like this:


Above: Ewwwwww 

Later, alone, Alice meets several of these handsome chaps:

After emptying her gun into the faces of the zombie dog pack, she runs out of ammo and discovers that there’s one dog left standing. Not knowing what else to do, her T-virus-enhanced superpowers take hold and she does the only thing that makes sense: she kicks the dog in the head, which sends it flying through a window.


Above: BAM 

You can see it in action below:



When you can’t get Christopher Lambert to come back for the sequel to your relatively successful videogame movie, that’s a clear sign that something’s very, very wrong. But the producers of Mortal Kombat: Annihilation soldiered on anyway, creating a cheap-looking Z-movie that enraged fans and was simply ignored by everyone else.


Above: Seriously, they got James Remar instead 

However, once we’d put aside our fan-rage (only took us about 10 years), we began to appreciate Annihilation for the camp masterpiece it is. Everything in this movie is either unintentionally silly, over-the-top stupid or completely unnecessary, from the way Sub-Zero makes his grand entrance…


Above: I CAN FLY PEW PEW 

… to everyone’s preferred method of navigating short distances…


Above: Why walk when you can somersault? 

… to the way Shao Kahn looks:


Above: “DADDY I CONQUERED A EARTH!” 

Easily the dumbest scene, however, comes near the end, when Shao Kahn (Brian Thompson) is beating Liu Kang (Robin Shou) like a little schoolgirl.

Suddenly, Liu Kang’s course of action becomes clear: HE HAS TO TURN INTO A REALLY SHITTY CG EFFECT.


Above: Oooooooooooooooookay 

There’s only one really appropriate response to this, but Shao Kahn apparently came prepared:


Above: OH IT’S ON NOW 

Cue a really dark, boring battle between two awful CG automatons, which ends at the exact moment the movie’s special-effects budget does.


Above: RARRRR BLARRRRR 

So, yeah. We kind of liked the Animalities better when Liu Kang just turned into a Chinese dragon and bit a guy in half. But then, that wasn’t this jaw-droppingly awful:

 

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77 comments

  • Psylockerules - June 1, 2010 11:32 p.m.

    gotta love the bison speech also i really laughed at the woman holding her shoe like WTF? the mario thing is just bad, so, so bad. and my bf wants to watch it *sigh* which means i better hunt down a copy on e-bay
  • Herschal - July 18, 2009 4:26 a.m.

    That bullet time in wing commander was so FAIL. I seriously burst out laughing when it happened. Which is bad because now my parents are going to realise I'm no tin bed a yell at me. Thank GR Luv ya
  • rodrigobernales - July 2, 2009 1:09 a.m.

    ADRENALine is not pumped out by the heart, it's made by the ADRENAL gland. It's also called EPInephrine, because the adrenal gland sits atop (epi) the kidneys (nephrine).
  • Doctalen - May 8, 2009 2:33 a.m.

    The first Resident Evil movie was cool. hot chick in the shower+skimpy dress not suited for fighting+ zombie things= average action movie But this was better till the second one and then the third, 5 minutes into the third movie I turned the TV off and went to sleep.
  • Harmon20 - May 3, 2009 10:02 p.m.

    #16. There's NO WAY that could ever happen.
  • Blackbird - May 3, 2009 4:56 p.m.

    I loled at the wing commander clip when the semi- bald captain was like "Oh, right, my time to talk" just before he did his line.
  • titchmeister - May 3, 2009 2:44 p.m.

    Am i the only one who actually noticed that in the house of the dead clip despite the fact that they shot hundreds of bullets there weren't any bullet casings and they somehow only needed to reload three times
  • gmilf71 - May 3, 2009 1:57 a.m.

    I think the hitman one was because they couldn't think of a better lead up to bald guys with suits, martial arts skills, and swords. RE chick is pretty hot.
  • theschwartzb - May 3, 2009 12:01 a.m.

    so... apparently, wehn sega holds raves on remote islands they like to bring a wide assortment of firearms and medieval weapons!!!
  • Skykid - May 2, 2009 12:58 p.m.

    Aieeeeee! Really crappy sh--! My eyes, my eyes!!!!
  • TheGreatLeon - May 2, 2009 2:26 a.m.

    Aw man, I love Postal!
  • R_U_Guys_From_British - May 1, 2009 11:17 p.m.

    nice soprano reference GR :-)
  • Flashkicker - May 1, 2009 6:04 a.m.

    this made me sooooo thankful of the time when i was at a blockbusters and picked up the mario brothers movie...and then set it back on the shelf. my brain thanked me.
  • cowsrule - April 30, 2009 10:44 p.m.

    in house of the dead, what is the point of throwing a grenade down the well? and why does no one attempt to save the asian girl? and why does the guy with the red light on his gun skip out the woods? and for anyone whos read the zombie survival guide, don't you have to get a head shot? stupid video game movies
  • Xeacons - April 30, 2009 10:39 p.m.

    Hey! The FPS sequence was the only WATCHABLE part of Doom. I slept through the rest. I swear on the fallen heroes of gaming, if I ever make it in Hollywood, I WILL make a GOOD game adaptation, and save our precious franchises! I swear never to make the same mistakes!
  • GamesRadarMikelReparaz - April 30, 2009 10:04 p.m.

    Eh, the "trust the fungus" thing in SMB actually makes some sense if you've seen the rest of the film. I'm not going to explain it, though. You'll just have to trust the fungus. Incidentally, "Trust the Fungus" would be an awesome band name.
  • Cerbeross - April 30, 2009 6:53 p.m.

    That mario clip was awful and hilarious
  • spoonman - April 30, 2009 4:23 p.m.

    LOL OMG the DOA one was terrible and very cheesey i think whoever found that cool must be real sad
  • noofer7 - April 30, 2009 2:21 p.m.

    GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, he really did say "trust the fungus"...
  • Geminiman82 - April 30, 2009 1:17 p.m.

    StefanGrey is right! Mark Decoscas (SP?) is the chairman for Iron Chef America. Course... He was in the super awesome movie "Brotherhood of The Wolf" with the uber sexy Monica Belucci

Showing 1-20 of 77 comments

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