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The 16 most awesomely bad videogame movie moments


Among those who actually watch videogame movies, Bloodrayne is widely considered the point at which director Uwe Boll’s films went from mind-bendingly unwatchable to just sucky. Starring Kristanna Loken as Rayne, a half-vampire out to kill other vampires, the film loped aimlessly through half-heartedly gory scenes of medieval Eastern Europe, culminating with the worst performance of Ben Kingsley’s career.


Above: “For this I turned down Cleaver?” 

Before that, though, we get to see C-list rock god and occasional actor Meat Loaf put on a silly wig and lounge around with a bunch of naked Czech prostitutes as hedonistic vampire lord Leonid.

When a servant of villain Kagan (Kingsley) stops into Leonid’s lair on his way to deliver an unconscious Rayne to his master, Leonid decides he’s having none of it and demands he keep Rayne as a gift.

Loaf’s performance here is uniquely terrible, creating a leering, odious presence that gives new meaning to the phrases “hammy acting,” “hampire,” “ham-fisted,” “hambeast” and “we’re insinuating Meat Loaf is fat.”

No, that’s it. You should really watch it, though:

 



Part fantastically boring police procedural, part revenge fantasy and all terrible movie, Max Payne was hailed as “the first great videogame movie” right up until the point that anyone saw it.


Above: “My movie’s good, right? SAY MY MOVIE’S GOOD” 

The most frequently asked question when the first trailers for Max Payne came out was, “what the hell are those winged things?” The answer is that they’re hallucinations brought on by Valkyr, a mysterious drug that turns its users into homicidal maniacs… apart from a small percentage who magically become psychotic, nigh-invincible super-soldiers.

After swimming out of a freezing river where he was left to drown by his enemies, Max has a simple choice: lie around and die of hypothermia, or drink the vial of Valkyr stuck conveniently in his pocket and see what happens. Shockingly (to absolutely no one), Max turns out to have the super-soldier genes, and what he experiences as a result is nothing short of hilarious.

Go on, see it for yourself:

 



Widely regarded as one of the worst-ever sequels to a fairly decent videogame movie, Resident Evil: Apocalypse is notable mainly for turning RE3’s Nemesis into a big, turdy-looking Terminator.

It also brings back RE film heroine Alice (Milla Jovovich), who has the audacity to not only have goofy superpowers, but also to interact with game-series regulars like Jill Valentine (Sienna Guillory). When the two meet up, Jill and her comrades are pinned down in a church by a mediocre CG effect that’s supposed to pass for a Licker.

When suddenly…


Above: NYEORRRRRM SKRRRRSH 

And then…


Above: VROOM VROOOM 

And…


Above: WHOOSH 

When suddenly…


Above: EEEEERRRRRRTTT 

And inevitably…


Above: BLAAAAOW PSSSHHH 

That is, until……


Above: THWPP THWPP THWPP 

GOD.

Just watch it already:

 



For the record, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale is about these guys:

Who spend a lot of time fighting these guys:

While this guy is king…

And these guys plot to take over:

We’ve already ripped on the awful camp performances of Ray Liotta and Matthew Lillard once before, but they bear repeating, because this is a rare instance where the most awful thing in a movie is also its most watchable thing. Embarrassing as it is, watching Lillard hurl himself around the set while Liotta tries to use every muscle in his face is hard not to laugh at, and when the two are onscreen together the result is at once dramatic shit and comedy gold.

Because we’ve already used an earlier scene with these two once before, we’ll instead focus on a different meeting, during which Lillard rolls around on the floor begging for an antidote that Liotta gives him in dramatic slow motion. Also there’s a lot of wailing. Watch it, it’s funny:

 



“Wait, what?” said most of our American readers just now. “Uwe Boll’s Far Cry actually came out?”

It did indeed – in Europe, at least, where Boll’s films are better “appreciated.” The film version of Far Cry takes a few liberties with the game’s plot, moving it from its trademark tropical setting to the cheaper-to-film pine forests of Vancouver. It also casts Til Schweiger as Jack Carver, who has been made German for the purpose of casting Til Schweiger.

Also, Udo Kier is in it and he does this:


Above: Ewwwwww 

So, right, the scene. Far Cry, like several other Boll movies, features Chris Coppola as an unfunny comic-relief fat guy who whines a lot. This time, he’s named Emilio the Food Guy, because – get this – he likes food.


Above: To be fair, he also gasps and squeaks a lot when he eats 

Naturally, Coppola gets kidnapped by Carver and turned into his sidekick, ensuring we’ll see plenty more of him as the film wears on.


Above: Oh Christ no 

Later, we’re treated to several scenes during which he’s chained back-to-back with Schweiger, which as it turns out is an ideal setup for his shameless brand of wailing and physical embarrassment.


Above: Oh wow, one of them actually did something kind of funny at the end there

It’s uniquely horrible, but also strangely compelling. To see it for yourself, check this out:

 

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77 comments

  • Psylockerules - June 1, 2010 11:32 p.m.

    gotta love the bison speech also i really laughed at the woman holding her shoe like WTF? the mario thing is just bad, so, so bad. and my bf wants to watch it *sigh* which means i better hunt down a copy on e-bay
  • Herschal - July 18, 2009 4:26 a.m.

    That bullet time in wing commander was so FAIL. I seriously burst out laughing when it happened. Which is bad because now my parents are going to realise I'm no tin bed a yell at me. Thank GR Luv ya
  • rodrigobernales - July 2, 2009 1:09 a.m.

    ADRENALine is not pumped out by the heart, it's made by the ADRENAL gland. It's also called EPInephrine, because the adrenal gland sits atop (epi) the kidneys (nephrine).
  • Doctalen - May 8, 2009 2:33 a.m.

    The first Resident Evil movie was cool. hot chick in the shower+skimpy dress not suited for fighting+ zombie things= average action movie But this was better till the second one and then the third, 5 minutes into the third movie I turned the TV off and went to sleep.
  • Harmon20 - May 3, 2009 10:02 p.m.

    #16. There's NO WAY that could ever happen.
  • Blackbird - May 3, 2009 4:56 p.m.

    I loled at the wing commander clip when the semi- bald captain was like "Oh, right, my time to talk" just before he did his line.
  • titchmeister - May 3, 2009 2:44 p.m.

    Am i the only one who actually noticed that in the house of the dead clip despite the fact that they shot hundreds of bullets there weren't any bullet casings and they somehow only needed to reload three times
  • gmilf71 - May 3, 2009 1:57 a.m.

    I think the hitman one was because they couldn't think of a better lead up to bald guys with suits, martial arts skills, and swords. RE chick is pretty hot.
  • theschwartzb - May 3, 2009 12:01 a.m.

    so... apparently, wehn sega holds raves on remote islands they like to bring a wide assortment of firearms and medieval weapons!!!
  • Skykid - May 2, 2009 12:58 p.m.

    Aieeeeee! Really crappy sh--! My eyes, my eyes!!!!
  • TheGreatLeon - May 2, 2009 2:26 a.m.

    Aw man, I love Postal!
  • R_U_Guys_From_British - May 1, 2009 11:17 p.m.

    nice soprano reference GR :-)
  • Flashkicker - May 1, 2009 6:04 a.m.

    this made me sooooo thankful of the time when i was at a blockbusters and picked up the mario brothers movie...and then set it back on the shelf. my brain thanked me.
  • cowsrule - April 30, 2009 10:44 p.m.

    in house of the dead, what is the point of throwing a grenade down the well? and why does no one attempt to save the asian girl? and why does the guy with the red light on his gun skip out the woods? and for anyone whos read the zombie survival guide, don't you have to get a head shot? stupid video game movies
  • Xeacons - April 30, 2009 10:39 p.m.

    Hey! The FPS sequence was the only WATCHABLE part of Doom. I slept through the rest. I swear on the fallen heroes of gaming, if I ever make it in Hollywood, I WILL make a GOOD game adaptation, and save our precious franchises! I swear never to make the same mistakes!
  • GamesRadarMikelReparaz - April 30, 2009 10:04 p.m.

    Eh, the "trust the fungus" thing in SMB actually makes some sense if you've seen the rest of the film. I'm not going to explain it, though. You'll just have to trust the fungus. Incidentally, "Trust the Fungus" would be an awesome band name.
  • Cerbeross - April 30, 2009 6:53 p.m.

    That mario clip was awful and hilarious
  • spoonman - April 30, 2009 4:23 p.m.

    LOL OMG the DOA one was terrible and very cheesey i think whoever found that cool must be real sad
  • noofer7 - April 30, 2009 2:21 p.m.

    GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, he really did say "trust the fungus"...
  • Geminiman82 - April 30, 2009 1:17 p.m.

    StefanGrey is right! Mark Decoscas (SP?) is the chairman for Iron Chef America. Course... He was in the super awesome movie "Brotherhood of The Wolf" with the uber sexy Monica Belucci

Showing 1-20 of 77 comments

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