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The 15 stupidest game types Wii invented

Since the Industrial Revolution, man has looked upon the innovation of ore transportation and said, “Lemme ride in that thang!” You may think you’ve been doing this for years, but you’ve never done it quite so right until you’re balancing and pumping a controller.


Above: Who’s winning here? America


Above: Pump like you’re not getting another game, mister!


Above: Do caves qualify as outdoors?


Any idiot with legs can cut a rug stomping on a Pee Pee Pad. Even a paraplegic can krunk with four buttons. But it takes a true Lord of the Dance to bust a move pointing their palms in up to four directions.  


Above: She’s great, but he’s PERFECT!


Above: Throw your hands in the air, and wave them like you’ll buy anything


Above: Follow the rules or you’ll win anyway


Above: Don’t stop ‘til your head is licensed


Above: The best of both appendages


Fact: No console has ever represented livestock better than the Wii. Farm life is easily associated with a billion menial tasks, so recreating the disappearing art of earning an honest living is a no-brainer for Wii. Furthermore, if you can think of a more suitable control scheme for forcibly extracting another animal’s breast milk, with two hands… we’d actually rather not hear about it.


Above: The last we saw Rayman…


Above: Because it’s not just for baby cows anymore


Above: Christ, is that dude on the right milking a bull?!


When you’re sick and tired of watching those silly sheep strut around wearing a comforter that’s rightfully yours, you have less of a chance of being arrested if you funnel that aggression into an in-game shearing. Plus, there’s no better way to enact a mandatory haircut than with the safest clippers on the market - No guard required!


Above: Sheep really do owe us a debt of gratitude


Above: No, seriously - they like it!


Above: Okay, he looks pissed


 

Someday in the future, historians will argue which came first: The jump rope or moving your arm in a circle in front of a sensor bar. Jump rope Wii games have become more prevalent than the analog equivalent, making it one of forty or so dirt cheap analog activities people will gladly pay $50 to perform with up to four friends in standard definition.


Above: Check your balls at the door!


Above: Would it be ironic if Mario lost a jumping contest?


Above: So easy anything can play


Above: Not suitable for orphans and divorcees


Above: Monkeys and jump ropes, take two


If we have one problem with animals, it’s that they don’t look like people. The Wii has amended this cruel slight from God by finally allowing us to dignify our domesticated companions with bibs, monocles and pastel sunhats to analog complete specification.


Above: Ain’t no party like a Hat Party


Above: You silly monkey, that top totally clashes with your skirt!


Above: Captain Blackwhiskers of the S.S. Scrathen Mast


Above: Cat hats make even taking a dump in the detergent adorable

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100 comments

  • Oddeh7 - March 28, 2010 6:16 p.m.

    "A Blue Tang clan ain’t nothing to f*** with" They named fish after rap groups? wow... 100th!
  • Whit82114079 - November 10, 2009 5:10 p.m.

    "Any idiot with legs can cut a rug stomping on a Pee Pee Pad. Even a paraplegic can krunk with four buttons. But it takes a true Lord of the Dance to bust a move pointing their palms in up to four directions." and "Yeah Bitch, fire roast them pancakes!" Those 2 almost made me pee myself that how hard I was laughing :D LOL but good article :-) you've got countless points that truly make since ROTFL
  • Xplosive59 - November 6, 2009 9:56 p.m.

    where is crap shoveling?
  • Sandman89 - November 5, 2009 6:09 a.m.

    Please tell me the frying pan attachment was fake....please, or else i might just kill myself
  • Hellwilder - May 24, 2009 10:01 p.m.

    And that's why I hate nintendo and my Wii so much D:
  • Willy105 - April 24, 2009 7:39 p.m.

    Ha! I love those games.
  • AuthorityFigure - April 24, 2009 9:27 a.m.

    Rayman RR had rope-jumping too. I hated it.
  • TripleAD - April 23, 2009 10:07 a.m.

    I LOL'd at the food flippin' "peripherals"
  • Auron - April 22, 2009 10:21 p.m.

    LOL Hilarious screenshot comments. My girlfriend tried that doggy style, I was glad to be there.
  • justintime51 - April 22, 2009 5:51 p.m.

    THIS IS DISGUSTING
  • DrRock - April 21, 2009 10:28 p.m.

    I can't believe Chris actually sat through all these. He probably had an intern do all the work.
  • killemall - April 21, 2009 3:37 p.m.

    this article is not my fave, i agree with the subject but repeating what we already know when there are so many better things to do just seems like a massive waste of internet.
  • kctusincmprndd - April 21, 2009 12:28 a.m.

    what the hell were does people thinking when they made those games?
  • marioman50 - April 20, 2009 11:35 p.m.

    AT least the wii has renewed people's faith in the light gun genre. Now you don't have to buy extra accessories!... ..or do you?
  • Dr.Salvador - April 20, 2009 5:43 p.m.

    Nintendo, What the fuck happened? what happened to ground breaking titles like Zelda and Mario? yes, youre expanding the franchise but look at what youve done. theres no turning back now. your reputation is now that of a puplisher for faggots and pussys
  • crabbo - April 20, 2009 5:02 p.m.

    This is the reason i only own 2 (real games, wii sports, and link's crossbow training don't count.) for my wii. Actually i'm planning on buying RE4 for the wii next time i get paid. After playing through RE5 it made me want to re experience the fun i had with it, back when i had it on the PS2. But i digress. To be honest, i can't even get behind the concept of "motion controls" these days. Even games with good controls for the wii, are frustrating, because of how strenuous on my wrist and forearm to play them.
  • MacGyver1138 - April 20, 2009 4:49 p.m.

    Any article with a Monty Python reference is a good article by my standards. Also, thanks to recaptcha, I now know that "pshaws" is a word in the dictionary. Yes, really.
  • helloimgaydo - April 20, 2009 2:45 p.m.

    Gourdmaster... you legend.
  • Tomsta666 - April 20, 2009 12:46 p.m.

    To be fair a lot of this shit was started way before the Wii
  • deathrebellion - April 20, 2009 12:14 p.m.

    ohh god noo nooooooo.. my eyes, MY EYES!.... i though Wii wuz comin out of its crappyness with RE 0 and Madworld but i guess not.... >_< and btw Samus Aran who??

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