Since the Industrial Revolution, man has looked upon the innovation of ore transportation and said, “Lemme ride in that thang!” You may think you’ve been doing this for years, but you’ve never done it quite so right until you’re balancing and pumping a controller.
Above: Who’s winning here? America
Above: Pump like you’re not getting another game, mister!
Above: Do caves qualify as outdoors?
Any idiot with legs can cut a rug stomping on a Pee Pee Pad. Even a paraplegic can krunk with four buttons. But it takes a true Lord of the Dance to bust a move pointing their palms in up to four directions.
Above: She’s great, but he’s PERFECT!
Above: Throw your hands in the air, and wave them like you’ll buy anything
Above: Follow the rules or you’ll win anyway
Above: Don’t stop ‘til your head is licensed
Above: The best of both appendages
Fact: No console has ever represented livestock better than the Wii. Farm life is easily associated with a billion menial tasks, so recreating the disappearing art of earning an honest living is a no-brainer for Wii. Furthermore, if you can think of a more suitable control scheme for forcibly extracting another animal’s breast milk, with two hands… we’d actually rather not hear about it.
Above: The last we saw Rayman…
Above: Because it’s not just for baby cows anymore
Above: Christ, is that dude on the right milking a bull?!
When you’re sick and tired of watching those silly sheep strut around wearing a comforter that’s rightfully yours, you have less of a chance of being arrested if you funnel that aggression into an in-game shearing. Plus, there’s no better way to enact a mandatory haircut than with the safest clippers on the market - No guard required!
Above: Sheep really do owe us a debt of gratitude
Above: No, seriously - they like it!
Above: Okay, he looks pissed
Someday in the future, historians will argue which came first: The jump rope or moving your arm in a circle in front of a sensor bar. Jump rope Wii games have become more prevalent than the analog equivalent, making it one of forty or so dirt cheap analog activities people will gladly pay $50 to perform with up to four friends in standard definition.
Above: Check your balls at the door!
Above: Would it be ironic if Mario lost a jumping contest?
Above: So easy anything can play
Above: Not suitable for orphans and divorcees
Above: Monkeys and jump ropes, take two
If we have one problem with animals, it’s that they don’t look like people. The Wii has amended this cruel slight from God by finally allowing us to dignify our domesticated companions with bibs, monocles and pastel sunhats to analog complete specification.
Above: Ain’t no party like a Hat Party
Above: You silly monkey, that top totally clashes with your skirt!
Above: Captain Blackwhiskers of the S.S. Scrathen Mast
Above: Cat hats make even taking a dump in the detergent adorable