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The 10 worst game intros of all time

4. Last Alert
1990 | TurboDuo

For whatever reason, Japanese gamers of the '80s really dug Rambo. Or at least their game industry did, pumping out dozens of near-identical action games starring shirtless, bandanna-wearing commandos who all bore a suspicious resemblance to Sylvester Stallone. But Last Alert was special. Not only did it feature anime-style cinematics - a rarity for the "yarr let's blow things up" genre - but thanks to the magic of CD-ROM, it was able to dress up those cinemas with vocal performances, all of which were terrible.

From the confusing backstory about "the Lloyd government" to the weird revelation that a giant skeletal Jesus is staring at the planet, apparently at the behest of the mysterious Chairman Steve, Last Alert is already plenty stupid. But it's the flat, disinterested-sounding amateur voicework that makes it a treasure of awful presentation. And then the story proper starts, and we're treated to lines like "I thought we'd always do things togethuh. Even when we die!" If you've ever wanted to see what the exact opposite of Metal Gear Solid is, here's your chance:

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44 comments

  • 13itch007 - February 16, 2011 5:30 a.m.

    Stop with all the advertisements!
  • Omgbbq - January 17, 2011 2:36 p.m.

    ALL YOUR GAMES RADAR BELONG TO ME!
  • MyriamD - January 6, 2011 4:12 a.m.

    I survived the morse code vid! Without even moving away.
  • humpiedumpie - October 13, 2010 7:47 p.m.

    The zelda one still makes me cry every time
  • Chaoscoolperson - October 12, 2010 11:31 p.m.

    Those Were TERRIBLE!
  • RafaTorres - February 18, 2010 11:45 a.m.

    Seriously, I just watched the last one and I havent got a clue what was going on coz it took that long. Eternal Sonata should be on here too coz it just went on aimlessly for about 15 minutes and it couldnt be skipped
  • kamikaz3e124 - September 17, 2009 9:22 p.m.

    Squalalah! Off we go! lolololol
  • AA95mp - September 7, 2009 12:46 p.m.

    i disagree with the zero wing entry it's one of the best in my opinion.
  • PivotPlurals1 - September 5, 2009 11:17 p.m.

    Now i know why so many Legend of Zelda: wand of Gamelon Youube poop videos are on youtube XD it deserves to be pooped. Re Captcha- Steamers Mcphails
  • Hellwilder - August 23, 2009 10:38 p.m.

    God, 4 minutes of bip-bip-bip-bup-bap-bip-bap-bup-bup-bap-bip-bip-bip-bup made my brain explode
  • dreamgor - August 18, 2009 8:56 a.m.

    hahaaha the beeps they're everywhere hahhahaha "twitch" the beeeeps!
  • 88Meters - April 24, 2009 1:02 a.m.

    ALL YOUR BASE R BELONG TO US
  • Darthballs - March 12, 2009 9:46 p.m.

    they just made link look gay
  • Amatarasu - February 13, 2009 9:38 p.m.

    ...i sat through #10......the beeps...THE BEEPS ARE IN MY HEAD!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!
  • reaperman22 - February 11, 2009 5:50 a.m.

    m ma man t th tha that w wa was b ba bad and link looked like he belonged on queer eye for the straight guy
  • TNT501 - February 1, 2009 5:13 p.m.

    I s a t t h r o u g h t h e l a s t o n e
  • TNT501 - February 1, 2009 4:59 p.m.

    LOL im going to use the zero wing one for my motto on XL
  • elric40012 - January 29, 2009 6 p.m.

    man I... I couldn't, it was too much... horrible!... HOOOORIBBLLEE!! My head seriously hurts after Ikari
  • DiamondGrip - January 28, 2009 5:20 a.m.

    all that came to mind during the Ikari intro was dot dash dash, dash, dot dot dash dot.
  • SirBonkers - January 27, 2009 8:28 p.m.

    Very funny stuff....well untel Ikaris that is. You did warn us though. I find it unfathomable that someone thought that was a good idea. WOW! Just plan terible!!!

Showing 1-20 of 44 comments

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