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The 10 worst game intros of all time

1. Ikari Warriors II: Victory Road
1988 | NES

Are you ready for this one? No, you're not. You'll never be ready. Because what you're about to see is literally the worst game intro of all time.

We've gone fairly easy on you up until this point. We've stuck to intro sequences that, while irredeemably awful, at least had some sort of entertainment value. The intro to Ikari Warriors II, however, is not so much crappy entertainment as it is a test of endurance. And if you can actually sit through the video below without skipping ahead, then you have the patience of a saint.

Ikari Warriors is relatively obscure these days, but there was a brief period in the mid-'80s when this series of Rambo-ripoff shooters ruled arcades with an iron fist. None were more awesome than the spectacular Ikari Warriors II: Victory Road, which was about a pair of Rambos in space and featured kickass graphics, then-insane levels of violence and lots and lots of voice samples, which were a rare treat at the time.

The NES, however, couldn't do kickass graphics or insane levels of violence, and its voice samples tended to sound like an old woman gargling. As a result, the home port of Victory Road was forced to find ways to make the basic concept of Rambo in space suck ass. But the programmers' greatest sin - their unforgivable sin - came along when someone on the team decided that, if you can't have decent voice samples, the next best thing is Morse code.

We'll say that again, because it bears repeating: Morse code. They even had the nerve to call attention to it in a blurb on the box, because nothing sells a game like an obsolete language consisting entirely of beeps. And the only time it really came into play was during the few cinema sequences, intro included. Instead of just scrolling the text along at a normal speed, each letter was accompanied by the appropriate code, which slowed it to a rate of about one letter per second. What would otherwise have been an unremarkably nonsensical 8-bit intro - in which bad weather sends the heroes to an alien planet - turned into a grueling slog through beepatronic hell.

Think you have the stones to watch it from start to finish? We dare you to try, punk:

 

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44 comments

  • 13itch007 - February 16, 2011 5:30 a.m.

    Stop with all the advertisements!
  • Omgbbq - January 17, 2011 2:36 p.m.

    ALL YOUR GAMES RADAR BELONG TO ME!
  • MyriamD - January 6, 2011 4:12 a.m.

    I survived the morse code vid! Without even moving away.
  • humpiedumpie - October 13, 2010 7:47 p.m.

    The zelda one still makes me cry every time
  • Chaoscoolperson - October 12, 2010 11:31 p.m.

    Those Were TERRIBLE!
  • RafaTorres - February 18, 2010 11:45 a.m.

    Seriously, I just watched the last one and I havent got a clue what was going on coz it took that long. Eternal Sonata should be on here too coz it just went on aimlessly for about 15 minutes and it couldnt be skipped
  • kamikaz3e124 - September 17, 2009 9:22 p.m.

    Squalalah! Off we go! lolololol
  • AA95mp - September 7, 2009 12:46 p.m.

    i disagree with the zero wing entry it's one of the best in my opinion.
  • PivotPlurals1 - September 5, 2009 11:17 p.m.

    Now i know why so many Legend of Zelda: wand of Gamelon Youube poop videos are on youtube XD it deserves to be pooped. Re Captcha- Steamers Mcphails
  • Hellwilder - August 23, 2009 10:38 p.m.

    God, 4 minutes of bip-bip-bip-bup-bap-bip-bap-bup-bup-bap-bip-bip-bip-bup made my brain explode
  • dreamgor - August 18, 2009 8:56 a.m.

    hahaaha the beeps they're everywhere hahhahaha "twitch" the beeeeps!
  • 88Meters - April 24, 2009 1:02 a.m.

    ALL YOUR BASE R BELONG TO US
  • Darthballs - March 12, 2009 9:46 p.m.

    they just made link look gay
  • Amatarasu - February 13, 2009 9:38 p.m.

    ...i sat through #10......the beeps...THE BEEPS ARE IN MY HEAD!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!
  • reaperman22 - February 11, 2009 5:50 a.m.

    m ma man t th tha that w wa was b ba bad and link looked like he belonged on queer eye for the straight guy
  • TNT501 - February 1, 2009 5:13 p.m.

    I s a t t h r o u g h t h e l a s t o n e
  • TNT501 - February 1, 2009 4:59 p.m.

    LOL im going to use the zero wing one for my motto on XL
  • elric40012 - January 29, 2009 6 p.m.

    man I... I couldn't, it was too much... horrible!... HOOOORIBBLLEE!! My head seriously hurts after Ikari
  • DiamondGrip - January 28, 2009 5:20 a.m.

    all that came to mind during the Ikari intro was dot dash dash, dash, dot dot dash dot.
  • SirBonkers - January 27, 2009 8:28 p.m.

    Very funny stuff....well untel Ikaris that is. You did warn us though. I find it unfathomable that someone thought that was a good idea. WOW! Just plan terible!!!

Showing 1-20 of 44 comments

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