Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Nostalgia is a harsh mistress. She'll tart you up with rose-tint, smear dew in your eyes, select your memories and then break your eager little heart. While the Jetix generation might happily embrace ninjitsu-practicing turtles as a smartmouth side-dish to a session of popcorn-gnawing, revisiting thirtysomethings should skip this stop on the '80s wallow-trip and hang on for Transformers.

It's too long and too dark (in both look and feel). It's not funny. The ugly, vacuous CGI looks like it was hacked up over a weekend. Of the four turtles, Donatello is an IT helpline operator, Michelangelo demeans himself at childrens' parties (awesome!), while focused Leonardo and headstrong Raphael indulge in a tiresome, film-long tussle for alpha-reptile status.

Even with a generous cut of comic-book slack, the story is rubbish: evil genius resurrects ancient stone statue monsters so he can destroy the world (including, presumably, himself). The be-shelled ones have to pull themselves together to open a time portal to send back the statue monsterszzz... So, yeah. Whatever. Dudes.


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