BOULDER, CO -- After stealing his parents’ car and driving it into a parked van one block away, a local boy and his parents will most likely blame the recently released Grand Theft Auto V for his random acts of aggression, probably.
The local media and ambulance-chasing lawyers will arrive quickly at the scene, presumably, with anchors noting that several M-rated games were found in the youth’s home. News reports will be eager to point out that games like GTA 5 cause children to become insatiably violent, citing studies that have been debunked and research that has been misunderstood.
The young man will be described by his parents as “a perfect little angel” whose run-ins with the law only began after he was old enough to hold a controller. “It’s all the violence in the games that did it,” his mother will say, ignoring the fact that violent media has existed long before her son’s birth. When asked whether she should have better monitored her son’s media consumption, she'll in all likelihood reply with something like, “Am I supposed to know what’s in every game he plays? That’s not my job.”
The story of one young boy’s corruption by video games will almost definitely become a national scandal, with unqualified pundits probably wondering how many children will have their lives destroyed before someone does something about the violent video games. “These games are sick. Children shouldn’t even be playing them!” one well-known pundit with no knowledge of the ESRB rating system will likely claim.
Meanwhile, the underage criminal in question won't have apologized or taken responsibility for his crimes. When asked whether he would continue to play M-rated video games, he'll almost certainly reply, “Hell yeah!" before quoting a popular R-rated movie and talking about how disappointed he was by Dexter's series finale.
Not Really News is a weekly feature where we take games too seriously. Check back every week to see us report on the events in games as if they were actually happening. None of this is true, or based on reality, so just sit back and enjoy the silliness.