Stupid kid blames Grand Theft Auto for dumb crime, probably

BOULDER, CO -- After stealing his parents’ car and driving it into a parked van one block away, a local boy and his parents will most likely blame the recently released Grand Theft Auto V for his random acts of aggression, probably. 

The local media and ambulance-chasing lawyers will arrive quickly at the scene, presumably, with anchors noting that several M-rated games were found in the youth’s home. News reports will be eager to point out that games like GTA 5 cause children to become insatiably violent, citing studies that have been debunked and research that has been misunderstood.

The young man will be described by his parents as “a perfect little angel” whose run-ins with the law only began after he was old enough to hold a controller. “It’s all the violence in the games that did it,” his mother will say, ignoring the fact that violent media has existed long before her son’s birth. When asked whether she should have better monitored her son’s media consumption, she'll in all likelihood reply with something like, “Am I supposed to know what’s in every game he plays? That’s not my job.”

The story of one young boy’s corruption by video games will almost definitely become a national scandal, with unqualified pundits probably wondering how many children will have their lives destroyed before someone does something about the violent video games. “These games are sick. Children shouldn’t even be playing them!” one well-known pundit with no knowledge of the ESRB rating system will likely claim.

Meanwhile, the underage criminal in question won't have apologized or taken responsibility for his crimes. When asked whether he would continue to play M-rated video games, he'll almost certainly reply, “Hell yeah!" before quoting a popular R-rated movie and talking about how disappointed he was by Dexter's series finale.

Not Really News is a weekly feature where we take games too seriously. Check back every week to see us report on the events in games as if they were actually happening. None of this is true, or based on reality, so just sit back and enjoy the silliness.


  • DarknessFisT - October 3, 2013 1:02 p.m.

    This is exactly why the parents should be blamed, 18 year old game doesn't fit with a 9 year old dumb fuck.
  • GoldenEagle1476 - October 1, 2013 2:36 p.m.

    I thought this was funny; please keep them coming.
  • briag45 - October 1, 2013 11:33 a.m.

    9/11 happened because of videogames adam and eve ate the fruit because of videogames people are homosexual because of videogames government spending is out of control because of videogames gas prices are high because of videogames the aids epidemic and cancer are because of videogames abortions happen because of videogames corporate and political corruption is because of videogames etc, etc, etc is because of videogames
  • GOD - September 30, 2013 2:12 p.m.

    This article is made even funnier by the amount of people who don't get it....
  • injustice45 - September 30, 2013 7:44 a.m.

    That kid has issues, and it's his fault he did that crap. It's also the parents' fault for allowing him to play GTA, let alone any rated M games in the first place.
  • kaleb-mayhew - September 29, 2013 6:53 p.m.

    that article sounds a heck of a lot like the onion
  • Evanesco - September 29, 2013 6:23 p.m.

    Do not understand the purpose of this article at all.
  • XNam360 - September 29, 2013 6:52 p.m.

    Not everyone understands satire.
  • Raveneff - September 29, 2013 5:39 p.m.

    Or how about instead of blaming the game, blame the parents for purchasing the game for the child? How about they make a law similar to cigarettes/cigars and alcohol? Most of these parents won't allow their children to to watch a rated 'R' movie, so why in the world allow them to play similar games? There are ratings on every game fore a reason, I think it's about time the parents are held responsible. But, as the government continues their attempt to limit our rights, it'll never happen.
  • XNam360 - September 29, 2013 6:35 p.m.

    Aren't you making some major contradictions there? You're demanding new laws to control what games people can buy, but at the same time, you're also complaining about the government limiting your rights.
  • Raveneff - September 29, 2013 8:57 p.m.

    I honestly haven't got the slightest idea how that happened. That last sentence was supposed to be in a comment on a Facebook post... I don't know how it went here instead. Too much multitasking without paying attention I guess.
  • Raveneff - September 29, 2013 9:04 p.m.

    Also, I wasn't really demanding the laws, I'm just sick and tired of hearing this on almost every news outlet. They complain about children playing violent games, but the parents are never held responsible. You have to be 17/18 to purchase an M rated game so obviously the parents are purchasing the same games they complain about. I'm sure we're all tired of it, and I'm sure you've heard about the parent blaming Minecraft for his child taking a gun, hammer and knife to school.
  • GOD - September 29, 2013 3:29 p.m.

    This sounds like that time I drove a car through Hurst Castle throwing banana peels behind me after playing Mario Kart, probably.
  • jaku86 - September 29, 2013 3:16 p.m.

    “Am I supposed to know what’s in every game he plays? That’s not my job.” Even if there was a point behind this story, comments like this show the parents ignorance towards what they're children are play/watching.
  • monkeyonyourback - September 29, 2013 3:10 p.m.

    If a child doesn't understand right from wrong, I would consider it their parents fault for not teaching their child appropriate life lessons. It's why gang members and hardened criminals usually come from a broken home or a home that basically ignores their existence. If they did have a proper up bringing and still can't differentiate reality from fiction they are most likely borderline or full fledged schizophrenic and their mental health is being ignored because its much easier to blame media they see. People in this modern society are in denial that there is a mental health issue in the world and violence is a direct result of not dealing with the issue at hand. Not videogames. if videogames had the ability to brainwash normal people into doing bad things, there would be no society left. lol It would be like a 24-7 free for all the minute you left the house. But it's not. Parents need to pay attention to their children, stop buying their young children "Mature" video games without giving them a proper foundation of whats right and wrong in the real world and then blaming the game lol that's just terrible parenting.
  • Unoriginal - September 29, 2013 12:17 p.m.

    Fun Fact: I am currently writing a Thesis on the effects of Violent Television and Video games on Aggression. According to contemporary research there is a positive correlation beetween agression in children and violence in media but mostly in children with previous disposition to agressive behaviour. In children showing low tendencies to agression prior to experiencing media violence their use of violence to express themselves actually decreases. Also there is an important distinction that needs to be made beetween agression and *criminal* agression. The possitive correlation beetween the amount of violent media and aggression in already aggressive children does NOT extend to criminal agression. They are more likely to use violence in play or in theoretical situations but they do not actually start breaking laws. This includes everything from hitting other children to stealing their parents cars. tl;dr: It's proven that GTA doesn't cause poorly raised children to steal cars. For a great overview on the subject check out Joanne Savages' "Does viewing violent media really cause criminal violence? A methodological review"
  • Sy87 - September 29, 2013 12:24 p.m.

    I will look that up and will you be posting your thesis online somewhere.
  • Unoriginal - September 29, 2013 2:34 p.m.

    I will but unfortunately it will be in Icelandic. If I ever decide to translate it I'll make sure it gets out :)

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