Spurious Awards Of The Year 2011

Doctor Who, Portal 2, Trek, Zombies and more Portal 2: Our pick of the best spurious winners from the past 12 months

TAKING THE PISS OF THE YEAR

It’s the Sega Wee – although sadly that’s not what it’s actually called. Sega launched a game machine in Japanese men’s public urinals that's controlled by streams of piss. It’s called the Toylet, and comes with a screen mounted above the urinal, which has a target on it. Hit the target to play such games as:

Mannekin Pis – wee as hard as you can
Graffiti Eraser – remove paint by weeing on every part of a picture
The North Wind And Her – the harder you wee, the more a girl’s skirt gets blown up by the wind
Milk From Nose – a multiplayer game where you try to wee harder than the guy next to you (and while you’re winning a guy on the screen blows milk out of his nose… answers on a postcard please)

Now we can’t smoke in pubs, all the fun of trying to get a fag end down the plughole has gone, so the sooner we get these in the UK the better.
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COVER VERSION OF THE YEAR

Proving that some people can create genius even with the most limited of tools, here’s an oddly appealing version of the Doctor Who theme tune that a certain Chris Harwick has generated using Mario Paint . We prefer it to the elastic-band twanging version the show used during the “Trial Of A Time Lord” series.

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DULLEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR

The not-missed The Cape came up with the exciting idea of the hero and villain having a fight on top of a moving train. Unfortunately, one was in a black costume, the other in a dark suit and the fight took place at night. Hello? Anybody there? Has the screen just done a fade to black? No wonder it was cancelled.
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SIGN OFF OF THE YEAR

In January, a show that lasted seven years, but never jumped the shark, disappeared from our screens with little fanfare and much dignity. SFX had always been fond of Medium , even if, after all that time, they still kept the bedroom phone on Joe’s side of the bed (those midnight calls were never for him) and Allison still always blindly accepted what she saw in her psychic dreams, even if nine times out of ten they were playing mindgames on her (ghosts must be great at cryptic crosswords). The show ended with a unique final sign-off with all the cast waving goodbye as the sets were being struck around them. Tears? We had a few. Bye bye Medium .
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WIKILEAK OF THE YEAR

The dark secret of Superman revealed, courtesy of Cracked.com .
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SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING OF THE YEAR

Remind us again – which channel was Bedlam broadcast on?
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ALTERNATIVE DOCTOR WHOS OF THE YEAR

Early in the year we were treated to this Turkish take on the Time Lord that swept the internet, and we’re still not sure what it’s all about. Then later in the year, Community gave us another alternative universe slice of Who

US sitcom Community has a slightly different of Doctor Who to the one we know.
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BEER GOGGLES OF THE YEAR

Been a bit tipsy and done something you’ve regretted over Christmas? You’ve probably got nothing on this chap in a wonderfully warped episode of Being Human . After all, did you stick your tongue down the throat of a rotting zombie? Despite a glue, Polyfilla and staple-gun makeover she still looked like the roughest “yours is the one on the right” ever seen in Welsh nightclub. He’s lucky her tongue didn’t come away in his teeth.

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WORST HUMAN CENTIPEDE REMAKE OF THE YEAR

V ’s special effects were always a bit dodgy…
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Misha Collins is a man rarely off the Spurious radar, but this was his masterpiece this year. He asked his Twitter followers (he has a fair few) to vote in a poll for TV Guide to put Supernatural on their front cover. They did (ironically, Collins wasn’t included in the shot, although given how Ackles and Padalecki were so heavily Photoshopped that they looked like plastic dolls, that’s probably a blessing).

As a reward, Collins promised to send his followers pieces of a rhino – and he delivered (click on the image above for a larger, more readable version). He also launched a scavenger hunt, with a list of tasks for his rhino teams to perform that reads like... well, see for yourself below.

What we can’t understand is how sending him a photo of your parking tickets is worth more points than proof of the existence of life after death. Then again, that’s Misha Collins for you. His logic is not like our Earth logic...

MASTER LIST OF SCAVENGER ITEMS:
1. A photo of a person holding an authentic rhino puzzle piece standing near (or far) from an actual rhinoceros (or reasonable facsimile of a rhinoceros) – 9 points
2. A photo of a person holding an authentic rhino puzzle piece with any President, Prime Minister or Supreme Ruler – 8 points
3. A photo of a person holding an authentic rhino puzzle piece with Jim Beaver in which both the person holding an authentic rhino puzzle piece and Jim Beaver have cigars in their mouths – 14 points
4. A photo of a person holding an authentic rhino puzzle piece standing next to fully decorated as a Christmas tree – 13 points
5. A photo or video of a person holding an authentic rhino puzzle piece dancing the hora and lighting a menorah – 16 points
6. A photo of a person holding an authentic rhino puzzle piece, sitting next to a lime jello mold with a piece of the Berlin wall suspended in it – 19 points
7. A video of a person holding an authentic rhino puzzle piece(s) setting up a tent on a traffic island (must also unroll a sleeping bag and get in it and zip the tent shut) – 15 points
8. A photo of a person holding an authentic rhino puzzle piece and 3 parking tickets made out to the same license plate number – 17 points
9. A video of a live mouse or gerbil and an authentic rhino puzzle piece in a Barbie’s dream house – 9 points
10. A video of a 5 year old child (or younger) playing any song by the Sex Pistols on a saxophone – 17 points
11. A video of a person holding an authentic rhino puzzle piece singing an original song of 43 seconds in duration – 7.5 points
12. A photo of a cockroach on a croissant with the Eiffel Tower in the background – 19 points
13. A video of a person holding an authentic rhino puzzle piece bestowing an act of random kindness for a complete stranger – 30 points
14. A video of a person holding an authentic rhino puzzle piece(s) projecting an image at least 20 feet wide of the attached photo on an exterior wall of a federal government building at night - 30 points
15. A photo of a child swimming/bathing in a tub full of cranberries - 22 points
16. A photo of a man standing next to a sheep. The sheep must have a German flag draped over it’s back - 26 points
17. A photo of a skateboarder wearing a wig in front of Buckingham Palace - 21 points
18. Written or photographic proof of the existence of life after death - 16 points
19. A photo of a person holding an authentic rhino puzzle piece in a Russian MIG fighter jet (any class of MIG will suffice) - 31 points
20. A photo of a person holding an authentic rhino puzzle piece while being carried by a firefighter in front of a fire truck - 11 points
21. A photo of a person holding an authentic rhino puzzle piece in a small, motor-less watercraft on the Yangtze River - 27 points
22. A photo of a person holding an authentic rhino puzzle piece with me while I’m wearing a single glittering, fingerless glove - 33 points
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CYBORG OF THE YEAR

Nothing says “I love you” more than a toyminator, as we learnt in February this year. “There are few gifts as synonymous with Valentine’s Day as the stuffed bear (often bearing chocolates),” explains dragonvpm oh the Indestructables website . “I decided to come up with something a bit different this Valentine’s day and after having made an LED heart last year I decided to try to create a Cylon Teddy bear complete with catch phrase (‘By your command’) and glowing red LED eye scanner.”
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LIVE ACTION GAME ADAPTATION OF THE YEAR


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It’s only a minute and a half long, but it’s about a million times more entertaining than the Bob Hoskins Super Mario Brothers movie…

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ANNIVERSARY GIFT OF THE YEAR

Possibly the greatest piece of artwork we featured this year was this celebration of 25 years of Zelda which should quite possibly have been transferred onto the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. If you know your Zelda you’ll be browsing for hours going, “Oh my god it’s thingy from thingy!” The original (we believe – it’s hard to tell because the site’s Japanese) was uploaded here .

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THANKFULLY UNSUCCESSFUL MEME OF THE YEAR

“This may very well be the greatest thing to ever derive from Lost .” Not our words. The words of former Lost producer Damon Lindelof. Luckily he was Tweeting it, not saying it, otherwise it might have come out as, “Mmmmffff…mmmffff… mmmffff” as he tried to speak through that tongue in his cheek. And there are more where these came from .
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POTENTIAL OLYMPIC SPORT OF THE YEAR

Jedi badminton. Feel the Force. .

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FANTASTIC REIMAGININGS OF THE YEAR

Comic guru Warren Ellis set his followers a brilliant art challenge on the Whitechapel message board , asking them to create a cover for Fantastic Four issue one, as if they’d never seen the real one, and based on the skimpiest of commissions: “You have been told that the comic is about four people who steal a spaceship, fly into space, get heavily irradiated by cosmic rays, and return to Earth weirdly altered by their experience. And that's it. The bastards haven't told you one more damn thing than that. Not a clue. They might all be women. It might be about the Indian space program 20 years from now. For all you know this is a JG Ballard story, for Christ's sake...” Here are a few of our favourites.

On a similar theme, this popped up later in the year, courtesy of Look What I Drawed , the illustrated blog of Paul Shinn…


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CAREER CHANGE OF THE YEAR

Imperial probe droid from The Empire Strike Back finds new employment… (picture courtesy of The Daily What )

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KICK-ASS PRINCESS OF THE YEAR

So which one of these girls would you be proud to have as you daughter…?
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SPELLING MISTAKE OF THE YEAR


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SCRIPTWRITING LESSON OF THE YEAR

Courtesy of www.the-gutters.com .

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EXPRESSION OF THE YEAR

Nope, it’s not Sarah showing Chuck what his shag face looks like. She’s doing an impression of him having a flash (which, out of context, we admit, doesn’t sound much better).
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SMUTTY HEADLINE OF THE YEAR

Courtesy of Blastr .


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UNCANNY TIMING OF THE YEAR

Sanctuary didn’t fare quite so well later in the year when a character mentioned having had lunch with Steve Jobs… in an episode broadcast just a few days after the Apple boss’s death.. .SS

SCI-FI FASHION ACCESSORIES OF THE YEAR

This, in the other hand, is sartorial genius .

This is actually an R2-D2 snowboarding helmet . Though be warned: if you’re more than slightly portly, you could end look up looking more like Tron guy.

One of those “We’re surprised no one’s thought of it before!” ideas. After all – 11 doctors; it’s obvious. Although we’re not entirely sure that’s supposed to be between McCoy and Eccleston (it looks like Rowan Atkinson from “The Curse Of Fatal Death” to us) it's still brilliantly realised, though, and available from redbubble .

Who would not want a Star Wars X-Wing pilot hoodie with a zip-front and a hood that doubles as an X-Wing Pilot helmet, complete with visor? Not recommended for pulling down over your eyes when you’re driving, no matter how strong in the Force you feel. Available for $150 from ShopEcko .

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SERVICES TO SPURIOSITY AWARD 2011: PORTAL 2

Portal balloon art courtesy of EpicPonyz.com .

A Portal cake. No, really… it is! Check out this link for proof .

Created between the two hugely successful Valve games, Portal: No Escape is a gritty, live action, seven minute short featuring silent protagonist Chell. Director Dan Trachtenberg has beautifully recreated the Portal universe, right down to the distinctive gun and Weighted Companion Cube.

Portal , Mario -style.

Portal socks.

Portal coasters . Sadly none of them transport your drink automatically from the bar to your table.
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D.I.Y. OF THE YEAR

“My men are marking the territory,” said Arthur in an episode of Camelot . And look, they’ve taken their own lampposts with them to do it. We were spared the actual spraying scenes…


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ZZ TOP IMPRESSION OF THE YEAR

One of the first images to emerge from The Hobbit shoot was posted by Ian McKellen himself on his website. For a moment, we thought he was in the middle of a karaoke version of “Sharp Dressed Man”.
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PRINTED APOLOGY OF THE YEAR

From the New York Times .


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THE TRUTH OF THE YEAR

What if movie posters told the truth? That’s what TheShiznit.co.uk WAS been pondering as they doctored some of the posters for this year’s blockbusters. Here are just a few of the ones with an SF/fantasy flavour; there are loads more on the site, including a Harry Potter one that made us laugh out loud, but has a very naughty word on it.


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BEST USES OF OFFICE EQUIPMENT OF THE YEAR

An X-Wing fighter made from office supplies. Should become staple of any future space opera. Click here to see a step-by-step guide.

A Blu-Tack Toothless from How To Train Your Dragon , courtesy of Blu-Tack Movies .

Check out the window designs created by French office workers from the contents of the stationery cupboard.
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SITCOM REMAKE OF THE YEAR


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The tank. The beret. The silly accents. The naked man. The Nazis. All that was missing was somebody going, “I shall say zis only wonce!” and the Portrait Of The Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies. Gasp, is it a remake of ’Allo ’Allo ? No, you stupid woman, can you not see it is the latest episode of Sanctuary ?

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CARTOGRAPHICAL DISCOVERY OF THE YEAR

Did you know that if you go to Google Maps and type “Death Star plans” (including the inverted commas), it will take you to Tataouine, Tunisia, and focus on a spot that says “The droids you are looking for”? You do now.
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ARCHAEOLOGICAL DISCOVERY OF THE YEAR

Some people must have really dirty minds to spot something like this in the closing credits to Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban . Remember, the Marauders Map shows the footprints of everybody at Hogwarts. So what are these two up to, eh? Eh? (Via The Daily What )
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CULTURAL MASH-UP OF THE YEAR

Vincent Van Gogh goes to Mordor (via Blastr )
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GENDER STEREOTYPING OF THE YEAR

Tesco’s outraged the Twitterati this year when this pic did the social networking circuit. Girl geeks? What are they then? You can't have Pokemon , Star Wars or Doctor Who if you don't have a penis; go back to fairies and unicorns and pink things. It'd be funny if it wasn't so depressing.
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DEDUCTION OF THE YEAR

Why Batman hates Sherlock Holmes, courtesy of 9gag.com .
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OVERBITE OF THE YEAR

And the Yanks say us Limeys have bad teeth. Jackson has the mother of all fur balls in Teen Wolf .
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FORTUNE TELLER OF THE YEAR

In episode two of Torchwood: Miracle Day , we’re not sure if Rex is talking about the plane journey or the show when he says, “The next six hours are gong to be filled with boredom followed by monotony.”
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ALBUM COVERS OF THE YEAR

The Dark Side Of The Moon cover is a work of subtle genius. Admit it, you want it as a t-shirt. And there are loads more Harry Potter /classic rock mash-ups here .

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QUOTE OF THE YEAR

“Daniel Craig’s my wookiee bitch now!” Priceless. See, something good did come out of Cowboys And Aliens .
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Pure genius.
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WEIRDEST DOCTOR WHO CONVENTION OF THE YEAR

Warehouse 13 ’s Artie wears a fez now. Fezzes are cool.
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CUTE KITTEN VIDEO OF THE YEAR

Because this is what the internet was created for…
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2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY HOMAGE OF THE YEAR

You’re not likely to find a sweeter transition shot anywhere this year, and we include movies in that…
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HARDCORE MAKEOVER OF THE YEAR

Those Teenage Turtles got all grown up, thanks to artist Dave Rapoza. Click on the image to go to his site, where there are bigger versions, more characters and the chance to buy this lot as posters.
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PUBLICITY STUNT OF THE YEAR

Usually when the Spurious panel awards a “Publicity Stunt Of The Week” it’s in an ironic fashion, usually honouring naff ideas and rubbish concepts for their comedy value. But this? This is Spurious and Genius in glorious conjunction. To publicise the release of The Complete Star Wars Saga on Blu-ray, the BT Tower in London was turned into a giant lightsaber. Well, okay, it actually just shot a laser into the air, but somehow the illusion was spot on and now forever more the landmark will look like a giant lightsaber hub. Well, forever until the BBC turn it into a giant sonic screwdriver for Doctor Who ’s 50th.

TWILIGHT HOMAGE OF THE YEAR

Well, who’d’ve guessed it? Even in The Vampire Diaries it seems a certain part of a vampire’s anatomy goes sparkly when exposed to light. .

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WEDDING VOWS OF THE YEAR

Via Tumblr .

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RESPONSES OF THE YEAR

A fan sent a bunch of stuff to Simon Pegg to autograph. A bit too much stuff, it seem. Simon’s response is up to his usual standards. But we have a joint winner in this category…

BIGGEST DRIP OF THE YEAR

Take your pick. Secret Circle ’s full of ’em.

DISTURBING IMAGE OF THE YEAR

First thought: how come nobody has ever thought of this before? Second thought: we kinda wish no-one ever had thought of it ever. Discovered by Cory Doctorow and placed on BoingBoing .

SNOG OF THE YEAR

We know that Merlin is a hotbed of slash-baiting material, but come on, this is getting ridiculous. Oh, and while we’re on the subject of Merlin

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DULLEST TEASER OF THE YEAR

A episode of The Secret Circle opened with a girl who couldn’t get into her school locker. Can this show get any more thrilling?

POTATO OF THE YEAR

Funny-shaped vegetables… they never get old, do they? Courtesy of StarWars.com .

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SCIENTIFIC ADVISER OF THE YEAR

Professor Brian Cox in “tossing an Ewok” shocker.

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S OCIAL HISTORIAN OF THE YEAR

Monsters director Gareth Edwards appeared on Radio 4 show The Museum Of Curiosity this week, and had an odd item to denote to the institution: “I have the first story ever told. I don’t know what it was, but my best guess is it was probably a caveman, and he was probably pointing over the brow of a hill, and he went, ‘Urgh!’ And roughly translated it meant, ‘You’ll never guess what happened to me today.’ And the reason I am interested in this is because when you make a film you start getting fascinated about, ‘What is a story? Why do we tell stories?’ And you have to get involved in it and you have to try to anaylse it, and figure it all out. And there are many different theories, and one of the strongest ones that kinda makes a bit of sense to me, is that all stories are actually the same story, and in a weird way, the most recent story ever told is pretty identical to, ‘Urgh!’ I know some of you are thinking, ‘I’ve seen that – it’s Transformers 2 …’”
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CARRY ON MOMENT OF THE YEAR

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Arthur seemed to be wandering around without his trousers for around half the series of Merlin this year, but this was the standout moment by far.
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PORTRAITS OF THE YEAR

An artist called Wolf has created literally dozens of sci-fi-themed watercolour portraits that are simply downright glorious. See if you can work out what these ones are (they’re all games characters) before you go to his site (where they’re all labelled). But we’ll give you the one below for free… it’s Doctor Horrible. Thanks to Unreality Magazine for starting on us on the path to discovering this guy.


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BEST EPISODE OF TERRA NOVA OF THE YEAR

Denver Museum of Science "Dino" from Smoke & Mirrors on Vimeo .
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COOKERY TIP OF THE YEAR

But can it make the Kessel Run in under 12 parsnips?

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MINIMALIST POSTERS OF THE YEAR

The Modern Stylographer has created a stunning set of 57 minimalist posters based on each episode of New Who . Here are just a few. We urge you to check out the complete collection, but be warned: you may want to buy them all. Apart from “The Curse Of The Black Spot” maybe…

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PRESS RELEASE OF THE YEAR

Misfits was robbed. And if there's one bunch of maladjusted, superpowered hardnuts you don’t want to rob it’s this bunch. So who should be quaking in his boots? The Doctor, that’s who. We would explain the story ourselves, but the Channel 4 press team did such a brilliant job with their press release, we thought we’d reprint it here in full:

“In their time, those orange-jumpsuited miscreants the Misfits have faced some terrible enemies, including psycho probation worker, video game man, tattoo weirdo and milkboy. But today it emerged they had been attacked by their most deadly foe of all – RTS Not Very Good at Adding Up Man (or possibly woman, no sexism here please!)

“Due to an administrative error, at Monday evening’s RTS Craft and Design Awards, the award for Best Effects – Digital was given to Doctor Who when, in fact, the jury had voted for Misfits , for the digital effects supplied by the company Shadowjack.

“The mistake was discovered thanks to Kelly, whose ability to read minds ensured that she knew in advance how all of the jury had voted.

“The RTS has taken immediate and thorough steps to rectify the situation, and the award will now go to Shadowjack, Clerkenwell Films and E4. Erik Ellefsen, George Kyparissous, Sarah Norton and Jo Amery of Shadowjack will be presented with their award at a special ceremony in the New Year.

“In order to spare any blushes, the RTS has requested that Curtis use his powers to turn back time so that the whole mistake could be avoided. Unfortunately, it has been pointed out that Curtis no longer has that power in the latest series, and his ability to turn himself into a woman is of little advantage in this situation.

“It was subsequently pointed out that Kelly’s mind-reading powers were also from a previous series. However, we are the Channel 4 Press Centre, and our secret power is to be able to write articles with no consistency or continuity whatsoever. Ha. Shazam. Take that!

“We are now looking into the possibility that every single award given at Monday’s ceremony, and indeed at every awards ceremony in recent years, should have gone to the Channel 4 stable. After all, any other result just seems ridiculous.”
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GENDER REASSIGNMENT OF THE YEAR

But Doctor, you’re beautiful!

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