Spurious Awards

Jean-Luc Picard as an owl, 25 years of Zelda, Predator The Musical and loads more nonsense

UNASHAMED CASH-IN OF THE WEEK

On 11 March, Battle: Los Angeles is unleashed into cinemas. It’s a film about soldiers battling against aliens in US city of the title. On 12 March, we learnt this week, the US Syfy channel airs Battle For Los Angeles , a TV movie in which “Hundreds of extra-terrestrial ships swarm Los Angeles, causing death and chaos ahead of an impending alien invasion. A small group of United States military personnel are able to get underground, where they learn the only way to stop the invasion is by destroying the mothership from within.” Purely coincidental? Yeah, right.

WORST WIG OF THE WEEK

No Ordinary Family ’s Jim has a surprise sudden crisis of confidence about his baldness. And while we’re on the subject of No Ordinary Family…

MOST CONTRIVED GET-OUT CLAUSE OF THE WEEK

The show actually showed some shocking signs of becoming edgy this week, when Jim deflects a bullet that hits an innocent bystander. Poor Jim then spends most of the episode moping about how his actions could have unhealthy consequences for the innocent (such as the viewers, perhaps). But it’s okay. This is No Ordinary Family . Of course the guy recovers. Better still, thanks to the bullet wound the doctors discovered a life-threatening tumour that they may otherwise have missed. So hurrah, Jim is now all happy again, safe in the knowledge that human collateral damage is fine, because you never know when it’ll save someone’s life. Or something.

WRIST ACTION OF THE WEEK

Oi, we’re talking about The Vampire Diaries ’ Stefan’s awesome skimming skills. Keep it clean, please.

THE MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE OF THE WEEK

Don’t worry. Bedlam ’s Kate scrubs up well…

TYPICAL BLOODY MALE OF THE WEEK

At the start of this week’s Outcasts Tate and Stella Isen are having a conversation about Tate’s “phantom" children. Then the plot of the week kicks in, and Stella goes off in search of her two missing officers, treks through forbidden radioactive zones, comes under fire from some ACs, saves Jack’s life from a nasty insect bite, finds the ocean and discovers the remains of a new life form. When she gets back, she pops in to see Tate. And how does he react? No “How was your day?” Nope, the self-absorbed alpha male just immediately picks up the “phantom children” conversation like she only popped out to make a cuppa. Bet she’s had to suffer years of him going on about his in-growing toenail and how women don’t understand the offside rule.

UNEXPECTED CROSSOVER OF THE WEEK

Hang on, has somebody merged Legend Of The Guardians: The Owls Of Ga’Hoole with Star Trek: The Next Generation ? Why would anybody want to? But it’s good to see that Ryker has lost some weight, even if he has let the beard go. Oh hang on, apparently this is a new publicity shot for indie noise terrorist band Protest The Hero to promote their new album Scurrilous . We would say that it’ll probably all make sense if you buy the album, except that something tells us it won’t.

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STINKING ACCESSORY OF THE WEEK

Forget 3D. This is the new way to enhance your gaming experience. Scent Sciences Corporation will release this “innovative” ScentScape device worldwide later this year. The machine plugs into a PC via a USB port and contains 20 scent wells built into a special cartridge. When triggered by a signal from whichever game is playing, a combination of heat, software algorithms and chemistry lets off the required scent, such as pine forest, ocean and smoke. We just don’t want to know what odour it produces when you play Call Of Duty . Or Mario Fart .

MASH-UP OF THE WEEK
We’re not even going to tell you what this fan-made trailer is all about. It’s much more fun to discover the twist yourself. But the logo at the end is genius.

ARTISTIC MASTERPIECE OF THE WEEK

Bet you never knew Sesame Street was in Gotham City. By Matthew Benker .

ANIME SUPERHEROES THE WEEK
We’re just curious to know what Bamf! is in Japanese.

MUSICAL OF THE WEEK
Predator: The Musical . Well, it’s got to be better than Spider-Man: Will The Last Person To Leave The Theatre Please Turn Off The Lights…

AWESOMENESS OF THE WEEK
A piece of Japanese fan art that a) celebrates 25 years of Zelda in the most awesome way imaginable and b) quite possibly should be transferred onto the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. If you know your Zelda you’ll be browsing for hours going, “Oh my god it’s thingy from thingy!” The original (we believe – it’s hard to tell because the site’s Japanese) was uploaded here .