In case you’re the one person who hasn’t heard the news, allow us to break it to you: Oasis have split.
Dry your eyes, mate. They’ll be back together next week.
In the meantime, we thought we’d take the opportunity to pay tribute to the Gallagher brothers by expanding our series of ‘Songs That Could Be Movies’ features.
Join us then, as we celebrate some of Noel and Liam’s finest musical moments and ponder exactly how those unsavoury Hollywood types might try to bastardise their pristine memory…
Bonehead’s Bank Holiday
The Song: A bonus track on the Vinyl LP of What’s The Story (Morning Glory), this was a shout-out to then rhythm guitarist Paul ‘Bonehead’ Arthurs.
Noel describes the song as Oasis’ ‘Ringo track’, making reference to the songs that John and Paul used to write and let Ringo sing.
Bonehead was scheduled to sing lead vocal, but apparently got so drunk before the recording to settle his nerves that the take was unusable.
The Movie: Coming-of-age tale following 18 year-old Mancunian Bonehead and his wacky best mate Ringo as they head down the Costa Del Sol for a weekend of sun soaked madness.
Intent on meeting a Spanish senorita to pop his cherry, Bonehead and Ringo fall foul of a couple of East End gangsters, a southern Rugby team, and a local pickpocket gang.
Using only their love of The Beatles and the spirit-guide of John Lennon to help them on their way, Bonehead and Ringo manage to play all sides off against each other, and get the girls.
In short, this is the film Kevin and Perry Go Large should have been.
The Cast: Joe Gilgun (Woody from This Is England ) as Bonehead, Jack O’Connell (Cook from "Skins") as wacky best mate Ringo.
Sample Dialogue: “I should have stayed in England”
Next: Champagne Supernova [page-break]
The Song: A pseudo-psychedelic song about nothing, according to Noel, who says the meaning of the lyrics depends on his mood – so right now this song is about how much he can’t stand Liam.
From the album What’s the Story? (Morning Glory), Supernova was never released as a single in this country.
It is nevertheless one of the most popular Oasis songs of all time, and a crowd favourite sing-along.
The Movie: Because Hollywood pays no attention to details, this will be a sci-fi epic on par with Tarkovsky or Kubrick.
All is not well aboard the research vessel EUS Champagne (That’s European Union Ship, fact fans), they’ve been sent into the far reaches of space to document a supernova.
After waking up from a century of stasis, the crew discover that not only has their link with mission control been severed, but their directional computer has malfunctioned, putting them directly in the blast radius of the exploding star.
Then, because this is space, many strange existential and spiritual themes come into play, none of which we are intelligent enough to pitch here, let alone understand without Wikipedia.
Religion, human existence, love and mortality are all explored as the crew, led by Doctor Supersonic, and enigmatic Physicist Dr. Else Alka Seltzer, hallucinate wildly.
The Cast: George Clooney as Dr. Supersonic, Catherine Zeta Jones as Elsa Alka Seltzer.
Sample Dialogue: “But you and I, we’ll never die”
Next: She's Electric [page-break]
The Song: The first song Noel wrote for Morning Glory, the song is an attempt to mimic the Kinks/Small Faces sound he grew up listening to.
Rumours the song contains cheap digs at Blur or his own family remain unfounded, but the catchy hook, simple chord progression and cheeky lyrics have made it a classic.
The Movie: In what will be pitched as Shameless: The Movie, a troubled young Scot moves to a Manchester Council Estate, and meets the girl of his dreams.
All is well… until he meets the family.
The dozen cousins, the brother that doesn’t like him, the hot sister and the hotter mother. Not to mention the rest of the eccentrics.
Add to that the fact that the girl friend is up the duff, and our wide-eyed young buck has more than his hands full.
Then his previous life as a minor charactrer in an Irvine Welsh novel starts to rear it’s heroin-addicted, post-office robbing head…
With his past catching up with him and the family closing in, the young man must find a way to make his new life work, in time for the arrival of his first born.
The Cast: James McAvoy as Andy Acquiese. David Threlfall, Anne Marie Duff, Maggie O’Neill and Jody Latham as the family.
Sample Dialogue: “I quite fancy her mother, and I think that she likes me”
Next: D'Yer Wanna Be A Spaceman [page-break]
D’yer Wanna Be A Spaceman
The Song: A b-side to the single Shakermaker from the band’s debut album Definitely Maybe in 1994.
The song deals with themes of childhood dreams and leading unfulfilled lives, a theme that's proved popular throughout Noel’s writing (see songs like ‘Fade Away’.)
The Movie: A middle-aged father of four, surprisingly from a Manchester Council Estate, applies for the British Astronaut program when they open the floodgates as a PR stunt.
In a retread of the age-old ‘over-the-hill-guy-has-one-last-shot-at-his-dreams’ (as seen in The Rookie and Invincible), Paul Lennon Rocket stuns the nation by making it into the space program.
Against the wishes of his long suffering wife and much to the embarrassment of his kids, Paul makes steady progress and becomes a Northern hero, inspiring the much maligned people of the North in these troubled times.
Faced with an ever more difficult training regime, a body that’s hardly in top condition and the ire of the rest of the astronauts, Paul Lennon Rocket comes through training and makes it onto the first all-British shuttle, prompting the headline;
“Rocket Goes To Space”
The Cast: Paddy Considine as Paul Lennon Rocket.
Sample Dialogue: “D’yer wanna be a spaceman and live in the sky?”
Next: The Masterplan [page-break]
The Song: Noel calls this the best piece of songwriting he’s ever done, and we’re inclined to agree.
Never released as a single, it was originally only available as a b-side to Wonderwall in 1995, before featuring on b-side collection “The Masterplan” in 1998, which Noel has said is a regret.
Apparently, Creation Record’s boss Alan McGee stated on hearing the song that it was too good to be a mere b-side, to which Noel replied, “I don’t write shit songs”. Lovely man.
The Movie: Hollywood ignores the theme of a lost generation and stops at the title – and the title sounds like a heist movie.
Hard up Manchester lad Moses Tolson is laid off from his security job, and gathers a crew of fellow redundant employees to exact revenge on their former boss, by robbing his Christmas takings.
Planning to steal the take and then distribute the money between the impoverished families in his recession hit estate, Moses is sort of a modern day Robin Hood.
Realising a professional gang are after the loot, Moses decides to pin the blame on them, and makes off with the cash. Getting it to local families just in time, Moses saves Christmas.
The Cast: Idris Elba as Moses Tolson
Sample Dialogue: “I’m not saying right is wrong, it’s up to us to make the best of all the things that come our way.”
Next: Magic Pie [page-break]
The Song: Apparently Liam’s favourite song to sing at gigs, especially the opening line ‘an extraordinary guy can never have an ordinary day’.
The song came about after Liam had asked Noel why ‘you never get into any of the situations I get into?’, and had Noel turning to a Labour party conference speech given by Tony Blair for inspiration.
The Movie: When local layabout and part-time drug dealer Keith “Cheggers” Conway is dobbed in by a customer, he receives an early wake up from the drug squad.
In a desperate attempt to hide his stash, he throws it into the Shepherds Pie his missus is making and puts it in the oven before the cops burst in.
The cops search the flat, but find nothing, and inspecting the contents of the oven, compliment him on the Pie. Then they leave.
With enough ket, meth, coke and hash to slaughter a horse, the pie is not fit for human consumption, but Cheggers is too tired to deal with it now and goes back to bed.
He wakes to his girlfriend and her best mate tucking into the pie, and tripping out of their mind. The pie is the best high on the planet.
Confiscating the pie from his missus, he must fight to keep it out of the hands of stoners everywhere who hear about it’s amazing buzz, until he can work out what he put in it an duplicate it.
So begins a crazy road trip adventure, which involves drugs, pie, and a guy named Cheggers. Who wouldn’t pay to see it!
The Cast: Robert Pattinson as Cheggers.
Sample Dialogue: “My star will shine cos you see me, I’ve got my magic pie”
Next: Fuckin' In The Bushes [page-break]
Fuckin’ In The Bushes
The Song: Most famous as the end credits song in Guy Ritchie’s Snatch, this was the opening track from the 2000 album Standing On The Shoulders Of Giants.
The song was inspired by a documentary about the Isle of Wight Festival released in 1970, with samples and lyrics taken from actual dialogue in the film.
The Movie: Vietnam, 1963, and British Intelligence are called in to help with military tactics.
Working solely from their wits and a copy of Boy’s Own magazine, the small squad of troops devise a trap and ambush technique the American’s deem with all the subtlety they can; Fuckin’ In The Bushes.
In case you hadn’t quite caught on, the plan is to lure the enemy into woodland, away from their comrades by making sex noises in bushes. Once the curious Veitnamese come looking for the source, Bam! They pounce.
The plan is hailed as ludicrous by many, suicide by all, but the Brits, John, Paul, George and Rich, have got to try.
They fail miserably, and are shot at first attempt, with Paul spending ten years as a POW before being freed by Rambo in the mid 80s.
The Cast: Gerry Butler, Jason Statham, Michael Fassbender as George, Rich and John, with James Blunt as Paul.
Sample Dialogue: “We worked for one year for you pigs, and you wanna break our walls down, you wanna destroy us? Well you go to hell!”
Next: Don't Look Back In Anger [page-break]
Don’t Look Back In Anger
The Song: Next to New York, New York, this is probably the most played last song of the night in bars and pubs the world over.
The first Oasis single to feature Noel on lead vocals, rumours circulate that he wrote it as a pisstake of a certain sibling of his.
As the story goes, during a practice Liam throws a wobbly and walks out. On his way he turns to Noel and mutters something, and walks face first into the door. If it’s true, it’s an awesome story.
The Movie: A romantic comedy, where the ‘meet cute’ is a court imposed anger management class out of St. Bartholomew’s function room.
Mick is an angry, angry man. After accosting several workmates, he is ordered to community service, and anger management. He thought he was the angriest person he knew, until he met Sally.
Ordered to attend classes after knocking ten bells of shit out of her cheating ex and six of his rugby mates, Sally is a knockout, in looks and personality.
Sparks, fists and all manner of furniture fly as their encounter ignites the kind of passionate affair comas are made of.
Can they survive each other, and can the world survive them?
The Cast: Christian Bale as Mick, Lena Heady as Sally.
Sample Dialogue: “Take that look from off your face, cos you ain’t never gonna burn my heart out.”
Tell us the song/plot combo you'd pay to see!
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