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Six horrific crimes you never realized you were committing in games

2. Genocide (Every RTS ever)


You may not know how the ‘Great War with the Red Nation’ started… but you know damn well how it’s going to end. Even as their army lies broken and defeated before the treads of Blue Nation tanks, you roll on. No calls for surrender… for peace.

As you push deeper into their country, you come across Red Nation workers. Defenseless, as content as can be just chopping wood. You do not ignore them, or intern them, or even rough them up a bit. No. You blow them into greasy little chunks. You raze their homes to the ground. Their town halls crumble like paper before your terrible might. Farms burn. Mines collapse. An entire people and culture, lain to waste before the rifle barrels of your unrelenting troops.

Only when every single Red Nation worker lies dead, only when every single town is made a smoking husk, only when every single person and facility capable of tying two sticks together is returned to the Earth; will your people’s blood lust be satisfied. But, hey, that victory screen is so pretty… and that little drum beat when it pops up… just tops. Who’s next?


Above: Mission accomplished 


1. Forced sexual congress (Aliens vs Predator series)


Look carefully at that picture. LOOK AT IT! What do you see? Do you see consensual intercourse? Or do you see one individual holding down a clearly unwilling participant, while another individual prepares to force his protuberance into the victim, delivering his zygote? Just what would they call that in a court of law? Hmm?

But we don’t have to ask a court of law. We can just ask Dan O’Bannon, writer of Alien.


Above: Does THIS make you feel like a man…or…a…xeno-whatever? 

Jul 13, 2010




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48 comments

  • Zeb364 - May 5, 2011 9:40 p.m.

    @Evil_AppleJuice: Agreed. I mean r-ape is pretty horrible but I don't think it's worse that wiping out an entire civilization. @KnightDehumidifier: Technically you're not because you capture a piece, you don't kill it. So you just end up taking them all prisoner.
  • FNG - July 20, 2010 12:34 a.m.

    Everyone watch this video by College Humor. It's just like this article http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kedjhnguKhc
  • civver - July 17, 2010 6:45 p.m.

    This is certainly new and unprecedented.
  • lemmy21 - July 15, 2010 11:21 a.m.

    Enjoyed the article.
  • GameManiac - July 15, 2010 4:19 a.m.

    This article makes me think of PETA's (or any animal protection group) opinion on Pokemon cruelty. As if I didn't see half of this article coming.
  • DrillurSimpson - July 15, 2010 12:37 a.m.

    lul. I don't care
  • nuno004 - July 14, 2010 7:14 p.m.

    @ Billiam101 that video was freakin funny, oh in chrono trigger if you take that old man at the fair's sandwich he screws you over in court reCAPTCHA: superber normal
  • AA95mp - July 14, 2010 4:28 p.m.

    everyone knows that pokemon is basicaly animal pit fighting and i enjoyed grave robbing in oblivion.
  • propagandainc - July 14, 2010 3:16 p.m.

    Nice interpretation.
  • TheHolyHandGrenade - July 14, 2010 11:51 a.m.

    @Billiam101 darn, i was going to link that. otherwises funny article
  • babyhenchy1 - July 14, 2010 11:48 a.m.

    I think you could list burglary under every RPG ever made as well. The SpoonyExperiment mocks it, and as Conrad says in Mass Effect 2, "Sometimes I poke through crates looking for extra credits."
  • pin316 - July 14, 2010 11:37 a.m.

    #5 is why i always said that pokemon isn't a kids game... it's cleverly dressed up like one, but the concept at the heart of the game is as follows: 1) capture wild animals 2) keep them in little cages shaped like balls 3) make them fight each other and what's more, you're not even making them fight each other to save the world or anything similar. It's all for your own selfish personal goald of being the best at capturing wild animals and making them fight each other.
  • philipshaw - July 14, 2010 11 a.m.

    Decent article and I have done all this stuff except for the RTS stuff
  • BOSS - July 14, 2010 10:34 a.m.

    Congratulations Gamesradar I nominate this article to contend with 'top 10 gamesradar shittest articles 2010.'
  • oryandymackie - July 14, 2010 10:13 a.m.

    I need a shower.
  • cj12297 - July 14, 2010 9:58 a.m.

    you do a lot of stealing and breaking in the lego games
  • JayBeat - July 14, 2010 9:04 a.m.

    Poor poke mans :(
  • AuthorityFigure - July 14, 2010 8:26 a.m.

    Like the terrible excuse used in Nuremberg, us gamers are only following orders...
  • CH3BURASHKA - July 14, 2010 7:17 a.m.

    I knew I was robbing people in Legend of Zelda. I knew I was cultivating animal slaves in Pokemon. I knew I was obliterating entire races in RTSes. And I have loved every second of it.
  • garnsr - July 14, 2010 5:40 a.m.

    This new, grand, wide format gives us the opportunity to see six smallish sections over three pages. Hooray for progress!

Showing 1-20 of 48 comments

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