The great game he almost ruined: Prince of Persia: Warrior Within
At one time our Arabian ass-kicker was the Hugh Grant of games. OK, so he was loads more homicidal and not quite as foppish, but he was a charming bungler all the same. That all changed after Sands of Time, though. Ubisoft, decided a nice character obviously wasn’t going to shift copies, so they replaced the Prince’s soul with an all encompassing black pit of darkness, smothered in a chewy layer of gritty edge. Vulgar, with an embarrassing in-your-face ‘tude, he represents every committee-approved, cynical character that’s ever stunk up a game. Mind you, Warrior Within was actually arguably better than its predecessor. Oh, and he’s still way better than Jake Gyllenhaal.
The great game he almost ruined: Final Fantasy X
The dude who technically doesn’t exist isn’t exactly a FF fan fave. An apparition created by his dying homeland, he spends most of the PS2’s first Final Fantasy acting like Johnny Jock A-hole. If he’s not acting like a showy so-and-so in blitzball, he’s trying to get his rocks off with a chaste chick who summons magic. Creepy preteen love aside, our boy is also backed up by a misjudged vocal performance, which just adds further faeces to the big ol’ crap cake that is Tidus. Still, at least he bites it at the end of the game. And no; his resurrection at the end of FFX-2 didn’t happen. Look, it didn’t, alight!?
Above: Again, surely not too much to ask?
Doctor Peter Venkman
The great game he almost ruined: Ghostbusters
Hello controversy, my old friend. How you been? Now before you do yourself an injury with all that pent up rage you must be feeling, we should tell you we love Bill Murray’s kickass sardonic doc… in the film. Let’s be honest, the Peter Venkman we get in the game is hella phoned in and disinterested. Sure, he still manages to coast by on the odd tiny nugget of charisma buried under all the apathy. But Murray’s usual relaxed delivery has slipped into full blown comatose mode. And the so-so script, designed to be carried to the finish line by nostalgia-addled fan boys, only further desecrates the memory of film’s most sarcy PhD.
The great game he almost ruined: Killzone 2
Is it a mute? Is it a plane? No, it’s just a really weird cross of Gordon Freeman syndrome mixed with a healthy dollop of cheesy Master Chief one-liners. Silent like a really shooty mime for most of Guerrilla’s awesome FPS, Sev occasionally breaks his silence to swear or point out the obvious. A personality vacuum so powerful, he threatens to suck the rest of the game into his banality, it’s only the fact he gets to use the most badass flamethrower ever that saves this shitty solider from the firing line of full-on hate. Also, Rico? Yeah, what a douche.
Above: One of these is a black hole. The other, Killzone 2's main character. We just don't know which is which
Mar 25, 2010