Google+

Sex advice from games

Freedom is an aphrodesiac


Above: What would Conan do?

When you encounter topless maidens who are chained up you should always set them free, except where prohibited by law (Utah and Alabama.) Under most circumstances, freeing a maiden from bondage entitles you to have sex with her.


Accidental sex is still sex


Above: Pikachu’s vagina just sorta landed on Fox's boner, no one’s sure exactly how it happened

Unusual camera angles and beer can result in unintentional sex, with both friends and enemies. For more pictures, gifs, videos and lulz, please visit the Accidental Video Game Porn Archive.


Getting sex is all about correct timing


Above: If you push Triangle when she asks for Square, you lose instantly

Just because you're jersey says 69 on it doesn't mean you can easily hook up with two cheerleaders at once. Pay attention to cues and prompts or you will never gain experience with even one cheerleader. After a few tries, you should be able to nail the timing and before you know it you'll be scoring touchdowns with Aphrodite.


If you’re too embarrassed to buy condoms, try digging in the yard


Above: Don’t wait until the night of prom to start digging

If you have a dog, he can usually show you where to dig. Ignore any treasure you might find, riches alone won't prevent pregnancy or disease. (Ed. note: Actually, things you find buried in the yard should not come in contact with your penis under any circumstances. Video games really dropped the ball on this one. If you have questions about birth control please ask a trusted adult.)


If you can get the milk for free...


Above: Don't buy the cow 

Replace milk with “sex” and cow with “hooker.” Get it? Sex is a commodity, and women are the livestock that produce it. Get it? Durrhurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Speaking of commodification…


Insert compliment to receive sex


Above: If product does not vend, call 1-800-555-1337 for service

The “Moaning Lisa” is the world’s first sex doll that is designed to be played like a video game, so in a way it perfectly embodies the topic of sex advice from games. If you stimulate it in the correct place at the correct time, it makes orgasm sounds. Its like the God of War sex mini-games but played on a giant, vaguely lady-shaped controller you can rub with your flesh turtle. The correct sequence needed to achieve orgasm sound playback (ie, "win") changes randomly every time you turn it on, in order to simulate the confusion most men feel about the female libido. So can it make you a better, more responsive sex partner? Only one way to find out. Go on, touch its butt. Creepy bearded guy dares you. 

July 1, 2010


Gaming's kinkiest costumes
Got a fantasy? Chances are there's a game to match

 

Mediocre Game Babes
We give semi-sexy ladies another brief moment in the spotlight


Is MK vs DCU a porno...
…or does the dialog just sound like one?

We Recommend By ZergNet

29 comments

  • madfx - August 12, 2010 3:42 a.m.

    OMG, source of the buxom barmaid k thx!
  • KNITEpanda - August 10, 2010 4:49 p.m.

    A rule I highly disagree with is "Dont fall in love with someone you met online" I have to say I went completely against that "advice" if you are to call it that and fell in love with a girl I met playing Rainbow 6 Vegas 2. We've been together for 2 going on 3 years. So you guys cant just throw that out there, regardless of the true fact that most people like to hide behind a female avatar character and play it off just to get goodies...in both terms... Needless to say, I couldnt be happier
  • ReaperOfDarkness - July 8, 2010 6:22 a.m.

    I bet that branching dialogue joke has some truth to it hehe. Figuring out the path unfortunately is the hard part, lol.
  • MassEffect2 - July 7, 2010 3:56 p.m.

    ththe editors note was the funniest thing in this whole topic lol
  • Zeb364 - July 5, 2010 10:22 a.m.

    A great article group with some fitting and funny pics. Great job guys. Can always count on GR for a bit of levity amongst the all too serious bull out there.
  • EAC73 - July 3, 2010 10:14 p.m.

    lol at the last pic
  • asspills - July 3, 2010 2:44 a.m.

    "Above: Pikachu’s vagina just sorta landed on Fox's boner, no one’s sure exactly how it happened" HAHAHA!!! Oh my fucking god!! That is by far the worst thing you guys have ever written!!! I almost pissed myself when i read it!
  • TheWebSwinger - July 2, 2010 9:10 p.m.

    Woo hoo! Recognition on Kotaku. Go GR.
  • xenon - July 2, 2010 6:51 p.m.

    Guys, it seems you got fans: http://kotaku.com/5578457/what-video-games-teach-men-about-sex
  • philipshaw - July 2, 2010 10:34 a.m.

    Great article, some good and not awful advice here
  • c1nd3rcell - July 2, 2010 4:19 a.m.

    Edit- you're, not your're. Sorry for the double post.
  • c1nd3rcell - July 2, 2010 4:16 a.m.

    Interesting article. P.S. @IAmARobotWhoTurnsIntoATruckAndIFindNoLevityInThis What a depressing and completely unnecessary thing to say. I hope your're proud.
  • WickedSid - July 2, 2010 12:38 a.m.

    Flawless Advice! This had helped me get all the Ladies! I urge you all to buy the GamesRadar Videogame Sex Advice DVD on how videogames can help anyone, and I mean ANYONE, get the sexes. Just send $999.99 by paypal to FraudRadar.Fraud.net. I'm totally a real person and not a paid Actor who was paid to give this testimonial, Really, I'm not. P.S. Gamesradar, Where's my paycheck?
  • Tenfey - July 1, 2010 11:56 p.m.

    Man, I hate women that have tangible corporeal bodies.
  • Clovin64 - July 1, 2010 10:16 p.m.

    I'm glad someone else noticed the oddity of digging up clean usable condoms from the dirt in Fable 2. Never don that in real life. I'm off to take a shower now because I suddenly feel dirty.
  • IAmARobotWhoTurnsIntoATruckAndIFindNoLevityInThis - July 1, 2010 10:14 p.m.

    Many people have told me i have "no life" after typing my last message, on this website, i now see that they were all correct. therefore, i am now going to kill my self, so that i may truly have NO LIFE
  • Metroidhunter32 - July 1, 2010 10:09 p.m.

    -.-
  • AnonymouZ - July 1, 2010 9:37 p.m.

    GR staff? does it mean more than one dude collaborated>? if so.... you all deserve a LOLs award. xD
  • MikelRapearse - July 1, 2010 9:32 p.m.

    What is the point of this? Is it to make me think about all the sex i'm not going to have because i'm a gamer? Do you plan on persuading people to think about sex, and realize that sex is not happening because of the fact that they play videogames? Ultimately making them give up videogames for hopes of getting laid? The only change you have made is increased the rate at which i think about suicide.
  • Setre - July 1, 2010 9:18 p.m.

    Simply amazing. I will now use this information to get all the ladies.

Showing 1-20 of 29 comments

Join the Discussion
Add a comment (HTML tags are not allowed.)
Characters remaining: 5000

OR…

Connect with Facebook

Log in using Facebook to share comments, games, status update and other activity easily with your Facebook feed.