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Above: What would Conan do?
When you encounter topless maidens who are chained up you should always set them free, except where prohibited by law (Utah and Alabama.) Under most circumstances, freeing a maiden from bondage entitles you to have sex with her.
Above: Pikachu’s vagina just sorta landed on Fox's boner, no one’s sure exactly how it happened
Unusual camera angles and beer can result in unintentional sex, with both friends and enemies. For more pictures, gifs, videos and lulz, please visit the Accidental Video Game Porn Archive.
Above: If you push Triangle when she asks for Square, you lose instantly
Just because you're jersey says 69 on it doesn't mean you can easily hook up with two cheerleaders at once. Pay attention to cues and prompts or you will never gain experience with even one cheerleader. After a few tries, you should be able to nail the timing and before you know it you'll be scoring touchdowns with Aphrodite.
Above: Don’t wait until the night of prom to start digging
If you have a dog, he can usually show you where to dig. Ignore any treasure you might find, riches alone won't prevent pregnancy or disease. (Ed. note: Actually, things you find buried in the yard should not come in contact with your penis under any circumstances. Video games really dropped the ball on this one. If you have questions about birth control please ask a trusted adult.)
Above: Don't buy the cow
Replace milk with “sex” and cow with “hooker.” Get it? Sex is a commodity, and women are the livestock that produce it. Get it? Durrhurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Speaking of commodification…
Above: If product does not vend, call 1-800-555-1337 for service
The “Moaning Lisa” is the world’s first sex doll that is designed to be played like a video game, so in a way it perfectly embodies the topic of sex advice from games. If you stimulate it in the correct place at the correct time, it makes orgasm sounds. Its like the God of War sex mini-games but played on a giant, vaguely lady-shaped controller you can rub with your flesh turtle. The correct sequence needed to achieve orgasm sound playback (ie, "win") changes randomly every time you turn it on, in order to simulate the confusion most men feel about the female libido. So can it make you a better, more responsive sex partner? Only one way to find out. Go on, touch its butt. Creepy bearded guy dares you.
July 1, 2010
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We give semi-sexy ladies another brief moment in the spotlight
Is MK vs DCU a porno...
…or does the dialog just sound like one?
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