SCRIPTEASE Farscape

The Reduced SFX Company presents Farscape

OVERALL SYNOPSIS OF THE SHOW

Crazed American pilot of experimental spaceship is shot by a wormhole into a realm inhabited entirely by devious alien hybrids, sexually demanding ET chicks, Muppets, an awful lot of Australians, and a little bit of love. Awww.

OPENING CREDITS

A montage of FLASHING LIGHTS and JUMPY REFLECTED SPECIAL EFFECTS play over a man in an Evel Knieval-style helmet who looks like he’s pulling his ‘sexy time’ face. He is narrating his journey to THE OTHER SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE … (NB, this is the only genuine American accent we’ll hear for the next 88 episodes).

VOICE: “Dear Miriam, My name’s John Crichton, and even though I am a mentally unstable goofball with a rapid-fire mouth, I somehow built this rather complex (and pretty cool) spaceship. It fell into a wormhole, and I ended up on an even cooler spaceship - a living even cooler spaceship - with a load of alien lifeforms with dark secrets who I annoy greatly. Now I’m trying to get home. At least I was, now I’m not sure, because there are a lot of other, more badass aliens who might toast Earth if they follow me. And I fancy this space-police chick who’s tried to kill me plenty of times and who mostly won’t give me the time of day. Please help me.”

[NOTE TO SCRIPT TEAM, this is the nineteenth time we’ve changed the voiceover. We might lose the ‘DEAR MIRIAM’ line if test audiences don’t buy it].

A variety of echoing other VOICES form an eerie contretemps to key parts of the opening monologue…

VOICE: “Where am I?”

VOICE: “Who am I?”

VOICE: “The nightmares I have seen!”

VOICE: “When do we finish filming so I can hit the beach?”

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE

We are aboard MOYA a LEVIATHAN , a huge LIVING SHIP . Inside it looks like a studio with lots of BRONZE COLOURED SCENERY PIECES that form an array of mostly interchangeable CORRIDORS. Hero JOHN CRICHTON runs into shot (tousle haired, square jawed, American, the right side of ruggedly sexy) to speak with AERYN SUN (vaguely Greek looking, the right side of smoking hot. She never smiles. It only makes her sexier).

John: Wackaday bing bang boo! Hey that was a big jolt, like the Star Wars ride at Disneyland, only without the special effect! Hoochymama! Am I talking to myself yet?

Aeryn Sun: What the Frell are you on about?

John: Frell, is that like f…?

Enter ZA’AN . She is blue, quite patronising, and is a PLANT . She is with D’ARGO . He is big, and not like a Klingon at all, because he has a beaky nose, and sextacles on his face.

Za’an: He’s right, Aeryn. Moya has dropped out of starburst early. Something’s wrong. We are orbiting the planet of P’ring.

John: You hear that Harvey, that means we can all get on a shuttle and go and look at some pretty locations and enjoy some great CGI vistas! Mickey Mouse! The Simpsons! Baseball! AwwooooooooooGA!

Za’an. Are you sure you’re a trained astronaut?

Aeryn: So we’re not running round and round Moya today?

Za’an: No, we’ve had three weeks of that. Let’s spend this season’s budget. Besides, we have to go down there. Rygel ate all the food cubes again.

Enter RYGEL, a small blue MUPPET , hovering on a THRONESLED .

Rygel: I, pompous puppet ex-midget emperor, did no such thing.

John: John Wayne’s smoking pistols, is that a puppet? That’s really impressive.

D’argo: Growl.

John: Leave your sextacles alone Chewie.

SCENE TWO

Aboard the dimly lit bridge of a PEACEKEEPER COMMAND CRUISER . Everyone looks very serious and very competent. The crew are dressed exclusively in BLACK LEATHER and have awesome haircuts. It is like the lobby for a BAUHAUS FETISH MODELLING AGENCY . Captain BIALAR CRAIS is in command.

Crais: Aha, I have you now, John Crichton! Soon I will avenge my brother and stop scowling.

Lieutenant Teeg: Er, those aren’t our orders.

Crais: Stop bugging me faithful number two, or I’ll break your neck.

Teeg: You’d never.

ACT TWO, SCENE ONE

We are treated to an eye-popping vista of an alien world as MOYA’s shuttle comes into land. Smoke stacks, gas-billowing space foundries, amazing atmospheric effects, weird geographical forms, twinkly landing pads and so forth. The works!

SCENE TWO

Cut to the surface of the alien world. It resembles a run-down MARKET . It is full of suspiciously humanoid aliens who are suspiciously clean, although dirtier than they are on STARGATE . JOHN has found a moral dilemma to get in the way of staying alive.

Aeryn: Leave the orphans alone, John, the Peacekeepers will be here any moment! I’d say something pragmatic but cruel about life and death, but I’m sulking at you right now.

Za’an: She’s right John, we have to get our oddly named space food and escape!

D’Argo: Growl. Let’s go. And Rygel, don’t chew my sextacles.

John: But they’ve never tasted a MacDonald’s! Poor nobbly faced orphans. This part of the universe is seriously dren.

HARVEY, who is a neural clone of SCORPIUS who is a HALF-SCARRAN, HALF SEBACEAN scientist, (Sebaceans are the PEACEKEEPERS , even though they sound like a skin secretion, only not all of them are and… oh this is too complicated). SCORPIUS is a wrinkly hybrid with a natty line in yet more dubious leather wear, but right now, he is dressed as a LARGE PINK RABBIT.

Scorpius/ Harvey: Hello John! It’s time for another internal debate at an inopportune moment.

John [to Harvey, who cannot be seen by the others]: Leave me alone!

Scorpius/ Harvey: Don’t be like that John, or I’ll put you in the sex chair again.

John: At least I don’t have a fridge in my head. How does that work anyway, where do your brains go?

Aeryn: Stop talking to yourself! Peacekeepers! The orphans and Rygel have betrayed us for a handful of nutrient-mud!

More damn good SPECIAL EFFECTS and ACTION that defy our TV BUDGET as PROWLERS strafe the ground and soldiers storm the market (don’t get too excited, next week we’ll be trapped in a public toilet with no LOO ROLL for 43 minutes). RYGEL farts HELIUM in fear. Squeaky voices for the remainder of the scene.

Scorpius/ Harvey: Another hard lesson in life, eh John?

John: No, I have saved the orphans and proved that I am right! Now I’ve been all emotive and serious, it’s time to be silly again. Woot woot! F’TANG! Look at my chicken impression! [NOTE TO SCRIPT TEAM, INSERT GRATUITOUS SIMPSONS REFERENCE HERE PLEASE].

ACT THREE, SCENE ONE

More budget defying action as the shuttle escapes the planet. The COMMAND CARRIER almost catches our heroes, but they dock with MOYA and starburst just in time.

The crew are in the pilot’s den. PILOT is a large multi-limbed alien. He looks very sad. Poor pilot.

Pilot [in his sad little voice]: Moya has successfully starburst away.

All: Hooray!

D’Argo: Growl.

John: Seriously, that’s another awesome puppet.

Chiana: That’s really, kinda, woweeee. Cool! Frelling cool! Shall I fondle your sextacles? I like it, ooh, I really like it. No, not that hard, I’ll smudge. Shall I be vulnerable now?

John: Holy monochrome Chaplin silent shorts! I thought you’d left.

Chiana: Yeah, I have a whole B plot relating to my wig and the dentics [NOTE TO SCRIPT TEAM, PLEASE INSERT WIG-BASED B-PLOT] .

Za’an: She’s right John.

John: Meh. I lose track of who is on board.

Aeryn: Typical! Losing track! Human! I’m going to almost kiss you then sulk for another five episodes.

Scorpius/ Harvey: How intriguing. John, I do believe this presents us with a dilemma. How are we to spin this romance out to the bitter end? We shall have to clone you… No, forget it, too silly. Hmmm, what to do?

John: Shut up!

Aeryn [who believes John was addressing her] : See? And I was going to put out. This show really can be quite a racy affair for such an early timeslot, well not tonight!

John: Aeryn…

Aeryn: Hmph! I’m off to the room with the windows to chew over why my mother never loved me.

AERYN leaves. ZA’AN clutches her side.

Za’an: Oooh.

Rygel: Did someone turn a light on?

Za’an: No, it’s this make-up, Hell on me kidneys, I’m going to have to quit.

THE END.

Script by Guy Haley