The Reduced SFX Company presents everything you need to know about Buffy Season One in a five-minute script
OVERALL SYNOPSIS OF SEASON
A schoolgirl “chosen” to kill vampires falls in love with one (it’s, like, ironic, d’uh!). She then has to save her town with the help of her kooky friends.
BUFFY SUMMERS runs through a graveyard in her stylish yet affordable boots. She is attacked by a VAMPIRE with the show’s soon-to-changed BUMPY FOREHEAD #1 . Instead of the VAMPIRE sinking its teeth into her neck, she sinks a WOODEN STAKE into its heart. After this, BUFFY makes a CONSCIOUSLY POST-MODERN QUIP that is both hilarious and knowing. All horror-movie tropes about DEFENSELESS BLONDE GIRLS and MONSTERS have been turned on their head. Get used to it.
CUE: CREDITS WITH SLIGHTLY OUT-OF-STEP THEME TUNE THAT WILL HAVE TO BE SNEAKILY RE-RECORDED FOR SEASON TWO
BUFFY trains with her WATCHER , fusty British gent RUPERT GILES , in a deserted LIBRARY . She tells him that because she is this generation’s SLAYER it’s affecting her grades and the PRINCIPAL is annoyed with her. Then the PRINCIPAL gets eaten by a pack of human hyenas, which is GROSS .
School is hell.
BUFFY: Hey, do I have to patrol tonight? I have a date!
GILES [ CLEANS GLASSES ]: Well, I don’t know, um, the thing is, Buffy, really you should train some more because, um, you have a destiny and you are the Chosen One and good lord, my glasses really are dirty, aren’t they?
The adorably confuzzled WILLOW ROSENBERG has a SECRET CRUSH on her friend XANDER HARRIS , who is one big walking hormone drooling over every woman he sees, even if they are actually a GIANT INSECT . Although to be fair to XANDER , he didn’t know that until she tried to RIP HIS HEAD OFF .
WILLOW: I love you, but I won’t tell you to your face because I am too adorably confuzzled to do anything that forceful.
XANDER: Wait, don’t you turn gay and become a witch who almost destroys the world?
WILLOW: Right now I’m still in my adorably confuzzled stage, so you’ll have to bear with me.
WILLOW and XANDER get into trouble a lot. BUFFY spends all her time SAVING THEM and lots of other SCHOOLKIDS who don’t know that they live on a HELLMOUTH . The HELLMOUTH is a metaphor for the cruelties of life or something.
BUFFY meets a tall, dark, brooding stranger called ANGEL and, because he is HOT , she starts experiencing feelings for him, which is awkward because he’s older than her. Also, he is a VAMPIRE . She doesn’t SLAY HIM because he is HOT .
ANGEL: I’ve watched you for a long time. I love you.
BUFFY : I love you too! Even though you’re, like, totally my stalker and a vampire and wear way too much hair gel.
ANGEL: The Master wants you.
BUFFY: ...Are you being kinky?
ANGEL: No, idiot, he’s the Big Bad this year.
BUFFY: What’s a ‘Big Bad’?
ANGEL: Learn to speak Whedon. You’ve got another six years of it.
VAMPIRES conspire and hatch EVIL PLANS . BUFFY juggles killing every VAMPIRE in sight with the trials of school, fashion and DATING BOYS . All of these are a metaphor for the cruelties of life or something.
GILES: The Master wants you, Buffy.
BUFFY: Angel left me a message?
GILES: No, you twit. I’m talking about the Big Bad this year.
BUFFY: How do I kill him, then?
GILES: The prophecies aren’t very clear, although that might be because I hadn’t cleaned my glasses enough when I read them.
BUFFY: Oh well, I’m going to get dressed up and look pretty just in case I can have a normal night out for once in my miserable Chosen life.
BUFFY is attacked by VAMPIRES and her dress gets covered in BLOOD . It’s a metaphor for the cruelties of life or something.
A new BUFFY-HATING PRINCIPAL arrives in the shape of QUARK from DEEP SPACE NINE . He isn’t eaten by anything (yet). Meanwhile, A ROBOT tries to kill WILLOW , a VENTRILOQUIST’S DUMMY causes havoc and CORDELIA CHASE is very pretty but rude to everybody. All of this is a metaphor, but you probably knew that by now.
CORDELIA: Urgh, get away from me, Harris. I loathe every fibre of your being.
XANDER: One day I will make out with you! Just wait and see!
WILLOW: Don’t you want to make out with me? Not even a little?
XANDER: No, you’re merely my best friend.
WILLOW: Damn my adorable confuzzled-ness!
BUFFY is killed by THE MASTER . She gets better, though. We are all now thoroughly convinced that SCHOOL IS HELL , but we kind of like it. We’re also having far too much fun to notice all the METAPHORS .
FADE OUT TO:
MUTANT ENEMY MONSTER: Grrr. Arrgh.
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