Same name, completely different game

10 new and retro games that share the same name, but not a lot else

Afrika | PS3 | 2009

The new Afrika: Is about taking photos of animals. Like at the zoo. Only it's not real. And the zoo is the size of Africa. And the chances of seeing a monkey casually masturbating amongst the shit and rotting fruit on the cold, concrete floor of its enclosure are pretty slim. Non-existent even.

Afrika | PC | 1994

The old Afrika: Is about imperialist European pirates raping the world's second largest continent of its natural resources. To paraphrase every reviewer ever: "If you like colonialism, you'll love this!" It even features natives holding spears. Which we don't think is legally allowed any more, but we'd have to check.

APB | PC, 360 | 2010

The new APB: Makes you pick sides in a mega pumped-up cops-and-robbers turf war orgy of gratuitous gun violence where you get to shave your head, tattoo your face and blow shit up.

APB | Arcade | 1987

The old APB: Makes you play as a cop called Bob. Bob spends day after day driving along an eternally scrolling highway arresting litterbugs and speeders and the like. When he isn't driving, he's back at the station using excessive physical force to coerce confessions from suspects. That's how Bob rolls.

Crackdown | 360 | 2007

The new Crackdown: Cybernetically-enhanced, law-enforcing agent ass-kickers running the bad guys out of town by jumping really high, tossing lorries about like toy trucks and exploding eight shades of shit out of anything that harbours hostile intentions.

Crack Down | Arcade | 1989

The old Crack Down: Two conspicuously clothed law-enforcing agent ass-kickers running mad scientist Mr X out of town by exploding eight shades of shit out of his laboratory and destroying his cybernetically-enhanced goat (we're not kidding).

Dante's Inferno | PS3, 360 | 2010

The new Dante's Inferno: An incredibly violent serial-sinner, mass murderer and wielder of enormous sharp-edged weaponry brutally hacks, disembowels and decapitates his way through the nine circles of Hell.

Dante's Inferno | C64 | 1986

The old Dante's Inferno: A pilgrim must solve stupidly obscure object-based puzzles as he casually saunters through the nine circles of a very pixellated-looking Hell. His inability to carry more than two tiny objects at any one time ensures that this takes much longer than it really should do.

Fable | PC, Xbox | 2004

The new Fable: All about being a hero and choosing a moral destiny in a huge open-world fantasy land adventure.

Fable | PC | 1996

The old Fable: All about being a hero and pointing-and-clicking on everything and talking endlessly to everyone you meet until you get to the end of the fantasy land adventure.

There's still another page of this stuff. Keep going.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I don't have the energy to really hate anything properly. Most things I think are OK or inoffensively average. I do love quite a lot of stuff as well, though.
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