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Moles are rubbish because:
* Share name with skin blemish
* Get made into coats
* Can't clap hands
* Have weird long fingernails
* Hard to tell whether they have eyes
* Always called Monty
Yes, we concur that moles possess a certain cuteness. But being cute is absolutely bloody pointless if you're going to live a subterranean lifestyle where no one can see you. It's the behaviour of a rubbish animal. Lily Allen is cute, but she doesn't hide away beneath the surface of your lawn where you can't see her. No. She's putting it about and making the most of being cute. Look, Lily Allen is not hiding beneath a pile of earth:
Also, computers couldn't do cute in the early 80s. Just look at the absolute mess that is Monty Mole up there. He looks like poorly moulded dark matter in a Benetton changing room. As you may have noticed, this is the bit where we'd put an amusing 'Game Over' image. However, looking at pictures of actual, real dead moles made us distressed and we didn't want to subject you to that emotional pain. So, instead, make do with a picture of Monty on his back after being killed by the bloodthirsty miner.
Rats are rubbish because:
* Stars of the least good Pixar animation
* They make the plague happen
* Bigger, yet not as good as mice
* Enjoy living in filth
* They scuttle about
* Regularly get dissected
Even if it is dressed in sneakers, shades and brandishing a shotgun, a rat is still a filthy animal and friend of no man. If Walt had gone with Mickey Rat instead, you can bet Florida would be one pink castle less right now. If the Rats! developers were absolutely dead set on making a game with a rat 'hero', you'd think they'd at least *try* and make him more appealing for a human audience. Y'know, so he looked a bit less like he was contaminated with transmittable diseases.
Rats then. They eat rubbish. They are rubbish. And they always fall for the oldest trap in the book.
November 26, 2009
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