A flea, as seen in Frantic Flea (SNES, 1996)
Fleas are rubbish because:
* They're really, really small
* Bastards to kill
* Make things itchy
* Not nice to look at
* Live on dogs
* Rubbish at circus tricks
There's a reason you'll struggle to find a flea calendar, flea poster, flea plushie or any other item of flea-based paraphernalia - it's because nobody likes fleas. They're horrible, offensive parasites. Even dirty crap-eating flies despise fleas.
The objective of Frantic Flea is to rescue your equally disgusting flea friends from one-legged bug invaders called 'Insideos'. As compelling as that sounds, we think we'd rather just look the other way while flea genocide is efficiently perpetrated. It's not like they haven't had it coming. Crush them all! (between your finger nails)
A mosquito, as seen in Mister Mosquito (PS2, 2002)
Mosquitos are rubbish because:
* Leave blood splats on the walls
* Very good at biting us
* Malaria and Yellow Fever
* Most irritating buzz frequency of any known animal
* Possess the ability to infiltrate hermetically sealed bedrooms
* Like vampires, but nowhere near as exciting
Surely the most hated, loathsome insect ever to buzz into existence. Only the cross-eyed world of electronic entertainment could celebrate such a dirty, blood-sucking filth beast by devoting an entire game to it. Given that mosquitoes kill millions of people every year, we'd have thought a game that put players in control of such a notorious serial killer would have met with more controversy. Where's that other loathsome insect when you need him?
Never mind the cartoony gloves and the shoes and the blue hair and the big eyes, if Mister feckin' Mosquito tried sticking his biting apparatus anywhere near us we wouldn't hesitate spreading his engorged guts all over the wall.
A spider, as seen in Spider (PSOne, 1996)
Spiders are rubbish because:
* Too hairy
* Too crawly
* Too many legs
* Can make adult men scream
* Easy to wash down the plughole
* Drink from our mouths when we're sleeping
OK, so the spider in Spider was totally bionic. It actually had a punch move and was kitted out with homing missiles and a flamethrower. So as arachnids go it was pretty badass. But with all the enhanced gadgetry, it does make us wonder why the developer persisted with a main character based on a creature generally considered as being a massively creepy, ugly-faced bastard. Why not sack off the spider and replace it with something less repellant. Like a killer robot.
And, of course, a killer robot wouldn't be so easy to defeat with an overturned glass.
Seriously. There's still another page of this to go...