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Robots that don't make any sense


Every Mega Man enemy

Cut Man was designed for deforestation, which is interesting because he looks more like he was designed for stupid. There are better ways to deforest than with a jumping biped with scissors on his head. There are better ways to do anything than by putting the requisite tool on something's head, except maybe see in mines. Wait, scissors don’t even cut down trees to begin with. What the hell, Cut Man?

 

 

 

Paozo is an elephant robot that throws a ball. A robot ball, probably.

 

 

Tabby is a giant cat robot which also throws balls. Balls of yarn. And fleas. Why are fleas on a robotic cat? Oh, because they’re…

 

 

ROBOT FLEAS, Which exist too, for some reason, and are apparently attracted to robot cats, for some reason.

 

This is taking too long. Here… just, here:


Clap Trap (Borderlands)

Clap Traps are probably supposed to have a purpose, but all they really do is dance around and fall over. They fall over a lot. Probably because they only have one wheel.


Above: The Clap Trap in the making-of videos does a lot more than any do in the game


Jack (Tekken)

Another Jack? Is that a popular robot name? Anyway, Jack is a fighting android created by the Mishima corporation, or the Soviets, maybe… depends on who you ask. He was built to kill Kazuya Mishima, who’s being backed by The Devil on a revenge mission against his dad, the owner of the Mishima corporation. Another Jack, Prototype Jack, is built to kill the original Jack and the upgraded Jack-2. Later, Jack-2, becomes friends with a girl named Jane, but he dies, so she makes a new one. Then Jane joins G Corporation makes another model to, again, kill Kazuya Mishima. At least, that’s what Wikipedia says. This all making sense?


Metal Sonic

There are a lot of stupid characters in the Sonic series, but Metal Sonic is pretty damn stupid. First of all, if you wanted to make something as fast as Sonic, why would it also have to look like Sonic? Rodents aren’t exactly known for their speed… couldn’t the robot be Emu or Cheetah shaped? Oh wait, he can transform… into a dragon-thing called Metal Overlord. What the hell is that about?

 


Above: Careful guys... he's got the letter 'M' on his side!


GlaDOS

We love the digital lady to death, but stop putting personality cores prone to malfunction in your robots, people.


Above: Whoever built this either never read 2001: A Space Odyssey, or read it way too much


Nintendo R.O.B.

Our good ol' Robotic Operating Buddy wasn't the best-looking robot, or the smartest, or the most useful, or really capable of anything worth doing, but in 1985, and through the eyes of a child, he was the future. Good thing he isn't, because if he were we'd still be using CRTs and gaming would be stupider than it already is. We still love you, though, R.O.B.!

Jul 15, 2010

 

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The ultimate Mega Man retrospective
Mega Man Week kicks off with a massive look back at Capcom's enduring mascot

44 comments

  • ninjasprout - August 15, 2011 4:26 p.m.

    Lol great article- although I feel I need to step in here and defend Metal Sonic- he was created by Dr Robotnik to convince the animals of planet Mobius that Sonic had gone bad so they would all turn against him! He was programmed to terrorise, loot and destroy. (a little like the london chavs from last week) Travelling at supersonic speed, it was impossible to distinguish it from the real thing! Rather clever of the old boy I think! Anyone who read Sonic The Comic as kid would know this! tsk! ;-)
  • funkymonk - April 8, 2011 5:38 a.m.

    GlaDOS didn't make any sense? Please. Maybe did not make the best sense, but come on (BTW, what's wrong with Space Odyssey?!)... you really want to compare GlaDOS to frikken Cut Man or Top Man from Mega Man? really? The rest of the article was just as good as usual though! Maybe you should have replaced GlaDOS with one of the hundred or so weird robots from Fallout...
  • someguy125 - July 19, 2010 9:58 a.m.

    "Disney’s Iron Man equivalent, wasted on opening a door" well iron man all you did is bassically open doors and destroy power outlets.
  • Mechamorbo - July 19, 2010 3:18 a.m.

    Megaman bugged me as a kid, but Astroboy bugged me MORE
  • shyfonzie - July 18, 2010 6:24 p.m.

    good job agent!
  • camelfro - July 18, 2010 10:11 a.m.

    my favourite article ive read this week i loved the mega-man part thanks guys! reCaptcha meowing french
  • GameManiac - July 18, 2010 5:50 a.m.

    It's a good thing that I don't ask so many questions about things.
  • GIGATONxPINCH - July 18, 2010 4:31 a.m.

    Those mousers were so ridiculously annoying. I wished I could ripem apart with my bair hands.
  • ViolentLee - July 16, 2010 10:43 p.m.

    I disagree about Chibi Robo. It was a very flawed game. I think rather than worrying about his size, they should've designed said robot not to run out of juice after 2 minutes -- requiring a forced-return to the home base. So annoying...
  • MaynardJ - July 16, 2010 7:46 p.m.

    Cool! I remember seeing the Ducktales cartoon in Dutch. Gizmoduck's Dutch name was actually Roboduck, Scrooge McDuck's name was Dagobert Duck. Huey, Dewey and Louie were Kwik, Kwek and Kwak and the pilot guy was Turbo McKwek. And I guess "Blathering Batherskyte!" is the English equivalent of "Belabberde Labbekak!". Nice article, Tyler.
  • darkvare - July 16, 2010 2:58 p.m.

    what about thosse little box robots on starwars
  • philipshaw - July 16, 2010 10:46 a.m.

    So true with the mega man stuff
  • JayBeat - July 16, 2010 10:13 a.m.

    Awesome article! Robot fleas are genius.
  • AuthorityFigure - July 16, 2010 10:11 a.m.

    Robots are made more dangerous, dirty and menial tasks. Playing through Megaman is in the last category.
  • raf - July 16, 2010 9:13 a.m.

    after seeing gizmoduck i remember i used to have figurine of that damn thing and if i still had it i could have sold it shit.
  • Jalygtra - July 16, 2010 5:10 a.m.

    How can anyone think Gizmoduck is irrelevant!
  • TheWebSwinger - July 16, 2010 4:49 a.m.

    You're a witty man, Tyler Wilde. Great article.
  • Spybreak8 - July 16, 2010 3:45 a.m.

    "Why a team of tree-armed men with giant guns need a floating robot to open doors is unclear. Why invisible floating robot technology couldn’t be used to simply win the war is also unclear." Well isn't it obvious?! They got chainsaws on their guns instead of welders! Also loved Chris' rant about Gizmoduck, haha accentually a key. Ouuch ReCaptcha: reversed plucked - oh oh in relation to Ducktales perhaps!?
  • Icalasari - July 16, 2010 2:03 a.m.

    Chiborobo makes sense, provided you use it on something such as a desk as a little organizer/toy combo (put obstacles in its way and see what it does) Mousers make sense because, well, think about it. Even the Turtles master is a giant, mutated rat. When rats can become giant anthropomorphic freaks of nature, you don't send a cat after them (unless it is a lion, of course). No, you send robots. However, they did mouser wrong. It should be more heavily armoured and... Well, I guess it can't use missiles due to having to go in sewers. But hey, what about making it a giant death machine made of blades, making it akin to a giant grinder? The Megaman enemies make sense in that... Erm.. Um... Alright, I've got it. They make sense because the creators were probably on drugs at the time Metal Sonic makes sense. None of his other robots worked, so it is reasonable to assume that something about Sonic's overall shape is what helps him (I mean, come on, Sonic can practically turn into a saw!). So making a robot that is essentially a mimic is a great idea, partly because it slows him down as he has to think about how to counter something that can copy what he does. What Robotnik SHOULD have done was use a weapon to kill Sonic while Metal Sonic kept him busy Also, the Metal Overlord was due to the Chaos Emeralds, which turn Sonic into an invincible golden hedgehog that can fly. Did you expect the thing that they turned Metal Sonic into to make any sense? Although, if you think about it, WHY is a robot even reacting to them in the first place...? GLaDOS had a core added BECAUSE she was malfunctioning. What I find stupid is that they gave her an ANGER CORE! I mean, what the hell? Why give something that RUNS THE FACILITY AND ITS DEATH MACHINE A CORE THAT MAKES IT HATE ANYTHING THAT SO MUCH AS BREATHES!?
  • EnragedTortoise1 - July 16, 2010 2 a.m.

    Meta Ridley, soley because I beat him in under 30 seconds in Metroid ZZero Mission.

Showing 1-20 of 44 comments

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