This is embarrassing on multiple fronts. Firstly, Scottie Pippen performs the opening song. Boy, that must have been exciting for him… bet he doesn’t regret that at all. Then there’s the cast of wacky characters who are introduced like Power Rangers. Oh I see, they all have different personalities, and thus different playing styles! I bet those actors went on to play lots of great roles that ended in numbers (Hey, “Assistant #1” is better than “Assistant #2!”). And finally, there’s the naïve “street” setting which looks like the set of a Broadway musical.

Breakdown of Embarrassment
0:21 – Welcome to Slam City, aka a warehouse that we hired classically trained artists to graffiti.
0:56 – EYAAARAA! I hate this basketball! I’m gonna squint at you!
1:20 – Basketball players are not necessarily actors. Shaq was though. Shaq was awesome.

Yes, yet another Digital Pictures game. Sewer Shark is an on-rails FMV shooter which takes place in a network of sewers beneath Solar City, the island paradise of everyone’s dreams. The game was originally meant to be released on Hasbro’s NEMO, a VHS-based game console. Yeah, that was cancelled (wonder why). Like the rest of these, the game found its way to the awesome power of CD-ROMs.

It really doesn’t get more “early ‘90s” than this. Everything about it – from the font on the box to the face-palm-inducing acting – screams at you as if subtlety is the one-and-only deadly sin. The plot has about the depth of a Fruity Pebbles commercial: You’re a rookie “sewer jockey” on your way to Solar City with Ghost, a veteran sewer… guy who holds conversations by walking away from you and sporadically turning around and jumping in your face. You’re assisted by Falco, a female jockey who is looking for a hidden route to Solar City, and is later captured by the evil Commissioner. There’s also a robot. Just watch the opening:

Breakdown of embarrassment
0:43 – New York accents are hard.
1:30 – You better believe everything he says is going to be punctuated with a guitar riff!
3:24 – Introducing Catfish, the spawn of Morgan Freeman in Driving Miss Daisy, Kenneth from 30 Rock, and a robot from Doctor Who.

Fun Fact! Wikipedia erroneously credits the part of evil commissioner Stenchler to Jerry Seinfeld. Good thing we at GamesRadar have a rigorous fact checking policy, which involves not believing bullshit we read on the internet.

The Horde – Kirk Cameron stars in this FMV game, which was written by someone who saw a Monty Python sketch once and thought, “Hey, I could do that.”
Mad Dog McCree – You can still buy this classic lightgun game from Digital Leisure for the low price of $29.95. We’re so lucky.
Warhawk – The opening scene was going to be longer, but the actors had to get back to their community college acting classes.
Ground Zero Texas – Damn, videogames were so much more exciting back in the day.
Tomcat Alley – What’s that thing he picks up while he’s walking down the path… is that a tomcat? What is a tomcat, really? Oh, a male cat. Why’d they name a jet after that?

Apr 5, 2009

The Top 7... Games you’ve never played right
You think you've played these games? No way. We show you how

The Top 7... Consoles that never were
Gizmondo 2? Super Nintendo CD? Find out why they vanished before their tim

The Top 7... In-game in-jokes
Don't get these obvious references? Hide your shame with our handy list of the industry's best attempts to poke fun at itself