If you’ve never played BioShock, then shame on you. This game is canon. If you have played BioShock, then you’ll surely remember disguising yourself as a Big Daddy near the end of the game so you can advance past Point Prometheus. While drinking in the creepy atmosphere of the lab where Big Daddies are born, you’ll hunt down a pair of boots, a suit, a helmet, and pheromones so you can look and smell like a proper hulking beast. But our favorite part of the costume is also the most painful one. We love the way you need to do a bit of self-dentistry by mutilating your own throat with a bloody drill so you can sound like a Big Daddy. Now that’s authenticity!

Above: This disguise represents reverse role-play at its finest

You like Final Fantasy. We like Final Fantasy too, but we’ll never forget the embarrassing side quest that charged us with dressing up Cloud as a girl so we could sneak him into a brothel. It’s not because we’re Final Fantasy freaks and it’s not because it’s the only time we’ve seen Cloud look more feminine than he usually does. This costume will be permanently engraved in our sorry minds for the rest of our lives because the chores required to properly pretty up Cloud are so painfully typical of the nonsensical puzzles that seem to be the hallmark of every JPRG and classic adventure game we’ve ever played.

Above: If you want to be cute, you better go to a gym and do lots of squats. Everyone knows that

Your transvestite-themed side quest in the Red Light district required lots of odd activities like beating a beefcake at the gym in a squatting mini-game, eating sushi, and purchasing laxatives. Was Final Fantasy VII fun? Yes. Does this quest for a dress make any more sense to us since we first played it years ago? No!

Oct 30, 2008

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