The first Turtles game hit Xbox Live back in 2007 and became one of the biggest sellers on the Marketplace. It was, of course, rubbish. Ubisoft are gambling on the same nostalgia-fuelled sales for their 3D remake of its sequel Turtles in Time. Which is, of course, also rubbish. Even the critics of the day were guarded in their praise for the Turtles games. Turtles in Time was half-shelled mediocrity back in 1991 and no polygonal makeover can disguise a game near-identical to the original – a straight trek through hordes of identical chumps, hacked through with a single button press.

In the remake on PlayStation Network, those chumps are 3D, but the new lick of paint has made every strike even more vaporous and indistinct. It’s an 18-year-old 2D game dragged into the 3D space whether it likes it or not, and it doesn’t like it one bit. In a bracket it shares with Final Fight, Streets of Rage, and the old Simpsons coin-op, Turtles in Time is distinguished by its utter mindlessness and resistance to any kind of strategy; a game of will over skill.

Sep 17, 2009