Heavy Rain

We’re all adults here, right? What? We’re not? Well the gamerlings amongst us will one day grow up to be adult gamers, and one day you snot-nosed brats will understand the pain of us geezers, so this will serve as a manifesto for all gamers everywhere, since we all eventually join the creak-kneed club, and dammit if we aren’t cranky as hell about the immaturity still festering in our favorite artistic/entertainment medium. And developers have no excuse, because they’re all adults. Well, in theory at least. So here are the things we adults want to see in our games, because we’re actually not the boob-ogling, guffawing at exploding heads man/woman-babies the industry seems to think we are.

That’s why we want to see…

Whatever your opinion about sex in videogames, the simple fact is this: games won’t really be taken seriously as an art form until they can get certain things right, and one of those things is sex. It’s an essential component of film, music, books, paintings and even television, and yet gaming lags sadly behind.

Part of this is because games still haven’t quite shaken their kiddie-toys stigma, but mostly it’s because the rare games that try to get sex right almost never do. The results of their endless efforts tend to range from mildly off-putting to outright mortifying, with varying levels of ugliness and hilarity in between. Maybe someday, we’ll see an in-game love scene that doesn’t make us recoil in horror – but in the meantime, here are 13 that did...

Love’s a funny old thing, ain’t it? It inspires great works of art. It knows no boundaries, conquering race, creed and geography. And it totally forces you to fork out for cheap-ass chocolates on anniversaries. While love affairs can end a bit messily in real life, we’ve yet to see a couple with romantic woes commit international espionage or murderise a series of skyscraper-sized monsters for each other. But in video games? Hell, its normal practice for digital Cupid’s arrows. So, in the spirit of being a week late for Valentine’s Day, we thought it was high time to celebrate some of gaming’s most ruinous romances.

“Is that your profession or pleasure?” Well, when it comes to jobs in games, it’s usually both. Y’see, your average gaming hero’s nine-to-five is a never-ending stream of employed excitement. Acrobatic plumbers who frolic in magical fantasy kingdoms. Archaeologists with pornstar bodies who can dual wield pistols like everyone’s favourite slaphead assassin. And suspiciously buff scientists who routinely save the human race with nothing but a crowbar. They all enjoy incredible careers we mere mortals could only dream of. Of course, if their jobs were a little more true to life, Mario would probably do himself in when he faced his first backed-up toilet… 

Every now and then, be it at work or play, we all feel like saying: “Screw it. I simply can’t be assed.” There’s no shame in it. After all, apathy is both big and clever. But what if some of our favourite game characters took this bone idle approach to their adventures…

There's something about misguided attempts to amuse children that bring with them a unique streak of terror, and nowhere is that more apparent than with the noble clown. Intended to be a harmless jester with a painted face and a slapstick approach to life, the image of the clown has instead become associated with creeping dread and paranoid mistrust.

Videogame developers have tapped into this instinctive fear of clowns, and that's why the realm of interactive entertainment is chock full of nightmarish harlequins that haunt our dreams and ravage our days. You’ve probably been sleeping far too well lately, so why not keep yourself awake with thoughts of some of gaming's scariest clowns? Go on, they won't bite... except for the biting ones...

Just a few weeks ago we firmly held each others’ hands and danced jigs of joy for 2010’s biggest and best games. Yes, our Platinum Chalice awards were once again a festival of finery directed at the year’s brightest stars, but now come the dreaded Anti-Awards, which force a spotlight on all the bullshit games, trends and ideas we had to endure throughout the year.

To commemorate their anti-triumph, we’re awarding each “winner” with Bayonetta’s own Stone Award, the statue of a falling fat man that added insult to injury and nearly made us quit playing an otherwise brilliant game. Oh, what a day indeed...

Mario, Kirby, Samus and Donkey Kong will not appear on these pages. Neither will Ezio, Sam Fisher or Commander Shepard. While we spent plenty of time with these videogame stars in 2010, they're old. Familiar. Expected. Lovable yet predictable.

You certainly can't say that about the following 10 characters, first introduced to us over the past 12 months. They're new. Surprising. Exciting. We'd barely heard of them at the start of the year, but by the end, we couldn't stop talking about them. Or wanting to see more of them...

A good boss battle is like a fine wine. Refined, elegant in its execution and quite likely to kill you fourteen times on the spin. Wait, scratch that last one. Unusually, 2010 has seen a string of games with bosses that not only didn't suck, but actually proved to be some of the biggest highlights of their titles. So if you're keen to go back and reminisce about fighting feral tigers in casinos or popping a deity’s eyeballs like juicy grapes, keep on a reading...

Never mind Red Dead Redemption, Mass Effect 2 and Bayonetta. There's no point crowing about how great a game is on your console when your fanboy mates can play the same thing on their 'enemy' machine. But who had the best exclusive on their WiiStation 360 this past year? Well, there's no need to argue about it any more as we've decided for you. This is the definitive list of 'what's best', so feel free to memorise it and then sound intellectual while drunk and/or crazy on sugar and artificial additives over the Christmas holidays.