FROM: Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!/Sonic the Hedgehog series

Taking advantage of Sonic's trusting nature, Mike Tyson uses a chili dog to lure him into a seedy-looking van. Have you ever seen that movie Deliverance? It's kind of like that, but with more crying. Mike Tyson wins.

 

FROM: Mortal Kombat series/Super Mario series

After punching his way through an orphanage full of crippled children, Mario settles in to eat the salted corpse of a dog while hurling Molotov cocktails through the window of a maternity ward. He pauses to urinate in a sleeping homeless man's mouth, then blows secondhand smoke into a baby carriage while emptying aerosol cans into the atmosphere, seemingly for his own amusement. After he carefully draws a swastika on the forehead of an adoring fan, Sub-Zero punches him and he dies. Sub-Zero wins.

 

FROM: Sly Cooper series/Crash Bandicoot series

Are you fu**ing kidding? Sly is a gentleman thief with smarts, skill and brawn on his side, and Crash is basically just a burly redneck who never wears a shirt. Crash would jump around like an idiot smashing crates until he got tired, and Sly would leap out of a barrel and brain him with his cane. Crash would run at Sly and spin like a dervish, and Sly would sidestep and then shove him off a cliff.

Above: Sly prepares an ambush as Crash leaves his trailer on a Pabst run

Crash would spend an entire weekday standing around in a convenience-store parking lot, bragging about the awesome truck he bought with welfare money, and Sly would strip that truck for parts before Crash even noticed it was being messed with. If Sly is a silenced pistol, then Crash is a board with a rusty nail through it.

But if you need further proof, take a look at this:

This is a raccoon:

And this is a bandicoot:

Yeah, a raccoon would mess that thing up. Sly wins.

FROM: Street Fighter Alpha series/Disgaea

 Realistically, there's no contest here. Dan is a moronic douchebag in a pink gi. Etna is a powerful demon. Etna's leveled up all her weapons to insane proportions, while Dan has made absolutely no effort to reinvent himself in 11 years of appearing in fighting games. Also Dan is fat and stupid and lazy and smells bad. Etna cuts Dan in half like a deck of cards with her level 9,999 Spear of Destiny, and her Prinny friends wear his halves as hats. Etna wins.