FROM: Karaoke Revolution Presents: American Idol/Portal

The cube's relentless indifference to Cowell's whiney fu**ing yammering gives it a major advantage in this fight. After hours of fruitlessly berating an inanimate object, Simon pauses to massage his boobs thoughtfully. You know, like this:

Suddenly, he begins lactating uncontrollably until the room fills and he drowns in his own breast milk. Luigi, having since attained pop-superstar status, points and laughs from outside a window.

Who’s Simon fighting again? Oh yeah, the cube. It wins. It would probably float, right?

FROM: Pac-Man series/Bioshock 

Look, you know this isn't going to end well. Big Daddy is a groaning, steel-skinned monster, and Pac-Man is composed entirely of jaw. After a brief struggle, Daddy forces Pac-Man's mouth onto a curb and brings a weighted diving boot crashing down on the back of Pac-Man's head. There's a yelp and a shower of blood, and Pac-Man's ruined halves flop back on themselves. That’s it. He’s fu**ing dead.

FROM: Dead Rising/Resident Evil 2 and 4

Overcome by the sight of a sexy woman who isn't a zombie, Kent loses control and begins rapidly snapping pictures while screeching and hooting like a goddamn monkey. Ada pauses to consider the situation, and a smile plays across her lips as she leans forward to give Kent a clear view of her cleavage. Kent, overjoyed, is so fixated on moving in for a better shot that he doesn't even notice when Ada pulls a rocket launcher out from under her skirt. The final photo he takes is of the nose of a rocket a split-second before it collides with his lens. That'll do.