FROM: Okami/Super Mario series

Amaterasu surprises Mario in a church, where he’s urinating on a nun he’s beaten unconscious with a giant crucifix. She attempts to paint a mustache on his face, but is paralyzed by indecision when she realizes he’s already got one. Literally paralyzed, because her indecision is just that strong. She has to spend the rest of her life in a wheelchair. A dog wheelchair. Mario wins, even though he didn't actually do anything in this fight except take off his shirt and strangle a kitten with one hand while punching your mother in the face with the other.

FROM: Lego Indana Jones: The Original Adventures/Pokémon series

Indiana Jones, made of Legos or not, is a seasoned adventurer with plenty of experience getting away from nastier things than a Charizard. Unfortunately, he's still made of Legos, and Charizard can breathe fire. Indy barely has time to form an alarmed expression before Charizard melts him into a little pile of rainbow-colored glop.

FROM: Disgaea/Gears of War

Marcus is smitten by his first sight of a woman. Gathering his courage, he nervously shuffles up to Etna and asks her out to the dance, at which point he immediately wets his steel trousers. He runs away crying, confused by these unfamiliar feelings. Etna has taught Marcus how to feel again, and in doing so has earned her advancement to the next round.

FROM: Half-Life series/Mortal Kombat series

Gordon’s just a regular guy with a crowbar, but Sub-Zero has non-regular guy abilities, so he would totally win. Because he can make ice and stuff. Kind of like an ice maker.

After mixing superior cocktails, Sub-Zero wins.

FROM: Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!/Halo series

While Tyson doesn’t have any guns, Master Chief’s biggest weakness is being hit on the head with things, because as Halo has taught us, the butts of guns do 20 times the damage of bullets. Tyson strolls up to Master Chief nonchalantly and punches him with the force of thirty guns fired by semi-trucks. He hits Chief so hard, in fact, that his helmet flies off and everyone can see how pale and skinny he is, with zits and taped-up glasses and a massive overbite. Mike Tyson wins. Also, nobody was raped.