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GamerBlipsOperation ‘Watch a sociopath’s wife
and kid get blown to Kingdom Come’
Failing to rescue anyone in: BioShock
The mission
After being contacted by mysterious Irishman Atlas, protagonist Jack is asked to find and rescue his new ally’s wife and child who are trapped in a submarine-like bathysphere.
Where it goes wrong
Jack taking on insane evil-doer Andrew Ryan, who completely controls the city around him, was perhaps a tad over ambitious. Subsequently, Ryan locks Jack in a room just as he’s about to save the wife and sprog. He then throws loads of baddies at him and waits until the silent hero is within touching distance of the bathysphere before blowing it up.
How the day could have been saved
By buying a set of earplugs. If Jack had done this, he wouldn’t have been forced to obey orders (from the actually evil) Atlas, who controls him through the hypnotic control phrase ‘would you kindly’. Granted, Atlas’ missus and nipper would still have been murdered brutally, but we’re sure they’d have gone to Heaven (if they ever existed in the first place) or something. Probably.
Operation ‘Stalk your
imaginary girlfriend'
Failing to rescue anyone in: Braid
The mission
To infiltrate a dream-like world as dapper hero Tim, with the objective to find and save a mysterious princess. After negotiating a series of worlds filled with puzzles that require cunning, intuition and a really in-depth tips book, Tim finally finds his special lady friend. She’s being carried off by a brutish knight hell bent on making her do unspeakable things (read: forcing her to wash his chain mail unmentionables).
Where it goes wrong
Well, the fact Tim’s trying to save someone who isn’t real is probably the first wayward step. You can’t save what doesn’t exist, and instead of being an actual compilation of lady bumps, the princess is really a symbol of his sorrow for helping design the A-bomb. You see, Tim is a weapons scientist who worked on the bomb and the entire game is a dream fueled by regret and driven by obsession in the hopes of changing a past that can’t be altered.
How the day could have been saved
If someone had dropped a piano on the asshole below. That way, we’d all be way more ignorant, that pesky A-bomb would never have been created (Einstein wrote to the Prez asking him to start research into it) and Tim wouldn’t have had to dream up a make-believe rescue mission.
Above: Don’t be fooled kids, old Albert is worse than Hitler, Mussolini and
Stalin combined.
