Generally, the first rule when it comes to rescuing hostages is ‘don’t let everybody get horribly done in.’ But sadly, this proves too much of a stumbling block for many game heroes. Be it accidentally killing geriatrics with a killer virus or letting the damsel in distress get crushed by a cow, the following rescue missions all get botched. Spectacularly.

Operation ‘Watch all your
friends get gunned down'

Failing to rescue anyone in: Far Cry 2

The mission

After various acts of terrorism, murder and theft, all committed in the name of returning peace to an area of war-torn Africa (natch), your gun for hire faces a moral conundrum. Save a bunch of their murderous mercenary buddies in a bar, surrounded by hostiles. Or, rescue a church full of innocent, doe-eyed villagers from the same dastards. Naturally, most of us black-hearted souls always choose the former.


Above: We suggest saving the kids over the mercs if you’ve yet to play
Far Cry 2

Where it goes wrong

Strategically, trying to save your buddies from 20 guys toting AK47s by taking cover inside Mike’s Bar (a pub with wafer-thin walls) isn’t the best plan. As a result, the bar gets surrounded, hails of gunfire fly in through every window and the rescuees die from an overdose of… eh, too many bullets to the face. Pity, if we’d just gone to church we could have actually saved the kids and God wouldn’t now hate us.

How the day could have been saved

Hiding with your merc mates in the depths of the African jungle in the first image below (situated a convenient minute’s stroll in every direction from Mike’s Bar) seems to be a more viable escape plan, especially when the alternative was holing up in a death-trap/dilapidated pub. Hindsight’s a wonderful thing when you’re facing death at the hands of pissed-off military insurgents.

Where we should have hidden

Where we actually hid

Operation ‘This rescue attempt is
so shitty we should have just
killed the hostages ourselves’

Failing to rescue anyone in: Resident Evil

The mission

After a bunch of people bite the big one on the outskirts of Racoon City, Special Forces unit S.T.A.R.S. send their Bravo team to investigate a mansion situated in the heart of murder central. But soon they go missing and the unit’s Alpha team is sent out to find and save their work chums.

Above: S.T.A.R.S. (Shit. Totally. Abject. Rescue. Squad.)

Where it goes wrong

Letting every single Bravo member (bar one) get either eaten, nibbled on or swallowed probably wasn’t on the mission briefing. So botched is Alpha team's rescue attempt that one of their own members gets eaten by zombie dogs within seconds of stepping out of the rescue chopper. Even worse, best boss ever, Albert Wesker, leader of Alpha, is partially responsible for the whole undead outbreak and even murders Bravo’s squad leader.

How the day could have been saved

If S.T.A.R.S. had entrusted the rescue operation to a bunch of schizophrenic mental patients. Seriously, no one’s batting average could be worse than Alpha’s bumbling idiots. And, if they controlled the urge to shiv everyone in sight, we’d bet our readies the mentals would have saved a couple of folk… or bits of them, anyway.