Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude

Love’s a funny old thing, ain’t it? It inspires great works of art. It knows no boundaries, conquering race, creed and geography. And it totally forces you to fork out for cheap-ass chocolates on anniversaries. While love affairs can end a bit messily in real life, we’ve yet to see a couple with romantic woes commit international espionage or murderise a series of skyscraper-sized monsters for each other. But in video games? Hell, its normal practice for digital Cupid’s arrows. So, in the spirit of being a week late for Valentine’s Day, we thought it was high time to celebrate some of gaming’s most ruinous romances.

We like to think of ourselves as pretty open-minded when it comes to games. Over the years, we've gladly torn gods' heads off with Kratos, used a cat's ass an impromptu silencer in Postal 2 and skinned an entire Wild West's worth of adorable animals in Red Dead. But never have our eyes been so offended by the nice n' sleazy games in side. Boobs. Man juice. Side boobs! Won't somebody think of the children?!

Anything that accentuates the male scrotal evil is automatically evil. Like ‘Hitler on a bad moustache day’ evil. Because the human Johnson is clearly an inherently terrible thing, it should be concealed at all times, only be broken out under extreme circumstances. Perhaps, if you need to tie a rope around it to pull a car with, in order to break some sort of World’s Strongest Wang record.

That’s why, simply put, the following banana hammock-harbouring characters deserve nothing less than virtual vasectomies.

Find out what games we think would suit the Hollywood movie treatment and we talk of a revolutionary new way to contact GamesRadar UK... by phone!

So what would happen if amoral Balkan sociopath Niko Bellic was in everyone's favourite cute and cuddly cartoon racer? Would Mario and chums accept him into the line-up with grace and humility? Would Niko keep the lid on all his murderous rage when Yoshi was firing red shells up his tailpipe? Of course, not. This is what would happen if the worlds of Liberty City and the Mushroom Kingdom clashed...

And that got us thinking. What

As you’re probably aware, Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. To hell with that. Friday the 13th is today, and aside from developmentally disabled serial killers with machetes, that means one thing: bad luck.

Over the years, continually playing as the hero in videogames has taught us to have a generally optimistic outlook when faced with challenges, to believe deep down that, whatever happens, we can overcome any obstacle.