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Some games need sex to get their message across. After all, what would Leisure Suit Larry be without its sperm rhythm action games or the bits where you have to get into the undergarments of college students? Some titles, though, just stick in some irrational intercourse for the hell of it.
Whether its taking time out on a bloody quest for vengeance to get saucy with a god or shagging an alien sidekick because he’s been romantic enough to buy a cheap bottle of hooch, all the games inside seemingly thought they’d benefit from a bit of shoehorned sexy time.
Doing 150MPH in Gran Turismo is pretty fast, right? Wrong. It's as fast as a terminally geriatric snail that's taken to tethering itself to a tree and trying to walk through treacle – at least compared to the games on this list. Some of these games let you break the sound barrier. Some literally keep accelerating until you inevitably blow up. They're all stupidly fast, but which is the fastest game of all time? Find out right here…
Who should play Nathan Drake? What actress looks most like Alyx Vance? Can any movie star pull off the intensity and insanity necessary for a Kratos or a Lynch?
Speculate no longer! I've discovered a fast and easy way to cast every hero from every game. Here's the trick: Instead of searching endlessly for that elusive, possibly unknown celebrity who perfectly resembles your favorite character, just use a face-morphing website to make ALL celebrities match ALL game characters.
What could possibly go wrong??
WARNING: Once seen, the following images cannot be forgotten. Proceed at your own mental risk!
Kevin Butler: We love you, man. The totally real, definitely not make believe VP of Sony's surprisingly brilliant ad campaign over the last couple of years has captured the hearts and minds of gamers everywhere. So in tribute to the man, the myth, the legend that is KB, here are all of his awesome videos in one handy place.
Oh, and just to counter all this one-sided Sony love and free advertising we're giving the company; Bill Gates is an attractive, virile man.
Who doesn’t love a happy ending? Well, apart from communists, old timey villains in top hats and Hitler. Most games love nothing more than to give you a pat on the back and send you off with your heart singing into the end credits after you’ve just witnessed Ted Heroic save the girl, beat ultimate hero with the power of your totally manly chest hair, then play some virtual tonsil tennis with said girl.
But not all seemingly blissful endings are as happy as they appear. In fact, some are just downright depressing, sweeping aside and glossing over some horrendous acts of collateral damage and destruction. Like these very games inside…
We're not gonna lie – this is a sparse month for games. The biggest publishers are saving their biggest products for September, October and November, leaving August with a very short list to choose from.
Fear not, however, because scattered across the barren wasteland of the next four weeks are some very promising oases of gaming goodness. Some of these titles will be just enough to last through the end of summer, while others have the potential to keep you occupied – and happy – right through the fall, distracting you completely from Call of Halo or Fallout Rising 2...
There aren't many things that everyone in the world goes through in life. Being born is one of those things. But, strangely, this most natural of bodily functions is very rarely tackled in video games. Maybe it's because babies come from a part of a woman that you just can't show in a game (unless you're rendering character statues in Resident Evil 5, apparently). Or maybe there just aren't enough virtual clean towels and hot water to go around.
So, clearly, when a game does tackle this subject, it's almost always memorable. So here are the top 7 births in gaming.
You know who you shouldn’t f*ck with? Dudes who spend their nights in Hawaiian video game cafes. If you’re an aspiring criminal, may we suggest robbing your mum’s purse or sticking a bank up with a make believe finger gun. Because on the evidence of the video inside, you ain’t got a chance in hell of a successful heist if there’s an agitated gamer in the vicinity.
So, Dragon Quest. Big in Japan, eh? That’s what they say. Or rather, that’s what their figures say. Shifting an eye-watering 2.3 million copies in its first week on sale, Dragon Quest IX: Sentinels of the Starry Skies is undoubtedly a big financial cheese. Figures don’t capture the magic, however. Leave numbers to do the talking and they tell a sanitized tale. Emphasizing chart positions and share prices, they certainly don’t mention the Dragon Quest cafe where gamers gather to scarf on culinary effigies of their favorite monsters.
No, to tell the true story of Dragon Quest, you have to live Dragon Quest. And so it was that we came to walk the streets of Tokyo. Our mission: spend four days in the heart of Questing territory to assess the true impact of Dragon Quest IX. And, ideally, politely eat everything put in front of us without pulling an ‘I’m going to be sick’ face.
Armed with a DS, a fistful of yen and not a word of Japanese known, we had four days to get to the heart of Quest-mania…
If movies, television and America’s Funniest Home Videos have taught us anything, it’s that nothing in this world is funnier than a man doubling over and clutching at his junk in agony and confusion. It’s preferable if this is immediately after his crotch has been nailed with flying sports equipment, a foot or a dog’s teeth, but we’re not really picky so long as someone lets loose a howl of pain and maybe falls over...
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