Master Onion

Animals aren’t even the most amazing things with mustaches in the world of videogames. A freaking onion can grow one. Chop Chop Master Onion would be the weirdest thing in any other game, but for the eccentric Parappa series, that’s just Wednesday.

Above: His 'stache even reacts to his need to crap

His look is pretty old-fashioned, meant to further imprint on the player that this guy is a Kung Fu master, with the long slender strands seen on many a sifu. And when he fell on hard times in Um Jammer Lammy, this talking vegetable still kept his hair together, even with his clothes in tatters.

Andrew Ryan

Unlike other, bigger mustaches, Andrew Ryan's is tight and ordered. Just like other control freaks out to make the world their own - Adolf Hitler, Howard Hughes, Walt Disney - his facial hair gives him a look of maturity that’s ready for leadership. Ryan looks like he will keep a tight fist on society in addition to his grooming. But seeing how Rapture turned out, he should've focused more on his city and being a father than style.

Above: A man chooses, a slave obeys… his mustache

And Ryan wasn’t the only dapper objectivist in Rapture. Sander Cohen, whose stage was a personal favorite of many, had a freaking insane ‘stache. Where did this waxy wonder come from? Well, one need only look at a real life avant-garde artist of Cohen’s time, Salvador Dali, to see. However, we can safely say one was much less murderously evil than the other.

Special award for Whisker Achievement!

Punch-Out!! series - The mustachiest games ever??

One more thing, gentle reader: during our “research,” which mostly involved eating M&M’s and checking Google, we found that there are just too many examples from the NES classic Punch-Out!! to name just one. Instead, just look at all the soup strainers on display in perhaps the most mustache-filled game ever:

Above: Fact – people look more stereotypically foreign with a mustache

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