First you should know that I decide who lives and who dies. I didn't strive for this job, it was more of an inherited thing.

My mood is affected by the seasons. Therefore my mood changes exactly four times a year. Also I control the weather. I did have to work my way up through lower and middle management for that one.

All the trains you see on myspace, I'm the conductor. Toot toot.

I have a rare disease of the lymph nodes and esophagus that allows me to harmonize, in arpeggios, my own voice.

In my youthful and more vibrant years, the 80's, I became something of a informant, working closely with the ATF and DEA to discover, infiltrate and uproot coke rings left in the waste of the 70's dance club era. In shortspeak, I am the instrument that mortally wounded and inevitably killed disco.

I invented the calligraphic letters C and H.

I've contributed numerous advancements in the fields of criminal psychology and metaphysics. Currently I am working on a way to visually manifest the fourth dimension.

I had mild success as an illustrator for children's books, but was soon overcome with a sense of unimportance after working on a piece for "A Pizza The Size Of The Sun." The author's star soon eclipsed mine and left me raped and beaten in a ditch on the dodgy lower-east side of Brooklyn, gasping for life and eating what remains the rats would spare me, metaphorically speaking. Suffice it to say I now shy away from children's literature all together.

I see three more colors than normal humans, but green is still my fave. Rolf, that's called irony. Hold hands and laugh.