PC Features

 After a long two-week absence, Shane Patterson rejoins the crew just in time to celebrate TalkRadar’s 18th birthday. With our podcast finally old enough to vote, buy cigarettes and go to the mall by itself, we briefly put aside our usual yammering for a weirdly serious talk about the ethics of software piracy.

With the possible exception of unexplainable, extraordinary inspiration, the factors which define a game’s quality are roughly quantifiable. The success of a game, however, involves slightly more chance, as the variables are less precise. When is the best time to launch a new PS3 exclusive FPS? Is there a market for fighting games on the Wii? The Western audience likes Final Fantasy – shouldn’t it like other Japanese RPGs?

The greatest games you probably didn’t play this year. From beautifully old-school side-scrollers and puzzle adventures to a shooter with roughly 9,000 “boner” jokes, these poorly selling, poorly marketed underdogs deserve (and need) your attention…

The buddy format: maybe it’s two mismatched cops, butting heads as they crack a tough case. Maybe it’s a feisty animal and his wiseass, backpack-dwelling chum, venturing out of a grass-green hub-world. Wherever it crops up, the formula of “two stalwart friends off on a whirlwind adventure” is the basis for good times. But for every half-dozen Samwises and Chewbaccas, you’re bound to get a Dan Quayle or two.

Sometimes, things are better left unsaid. Sometimes, our imaginations are enough. Sometimes, ignorance really, really is bliss.

Remember Darth Vader? He used to be the epitome of evil, the most recognizable symbol of scum and villainy in cinematic history. Then we saw the prequels and learned the awful, retconned truth: “Annie” liked to build toy robots, wear pageboy haircuts, yell cutesy catchphrases and hit on his babysitters.

Numbers. Man, there must be millions of ‘em. Seems like every other game on the shelf has a number in it. Boy, I bet you could count to a hundred using just videogame titles and related items. Let’s see if I’m right.

Islands are the biggest 'get-out-of-jail-free' cards in videogame design. Firstly, they allow developers to create a defined perimeter without having to explain away invisible walls with forcefields or malaria. It also gives them license to plausibly fill said island with anything from dinosaurs to trifle. It's an island – it can be anything it needs to be.

It was playing Treasure Island Dizzy recently that became the basis for this list. The excitement of an uncharted island to explore may not have changed over the years, but its execution certainly has. Where we used to play on islands of treasure or rainbows, we now face convicts, pimps and ninjas. Both kinds have their merits, but which is best? Let's find out...

Another year, another grueling E3 experience for all involved. As press, we have to be in constant motion, reading, writing and presenting all the information that's blasted at our eyes and ears. As readers, you're tasked with digesting an ocean of content in 72 constantly updated hours. It's a hell of a ride and we're glad to be at the end, especially given the rather dismal nature of this year's show.

Instead of wasting your weekend

It is required by law that every fitness videogame published after 1978 must include an attractive female in tight clothing on its cover, regardless of actual content. This naturally got the attention of our boner, as most things eventually do, and launched us on a Quixotic quest to discover which videogame fitness coach will best service your insatiable autoerotic needs. But buying fitness games can be embarrassing, so rehearse this simple script before entering the store...

It is required by law that every fitness videogame published after 1978 must include an attractive female in tight clothing on its cover, regardless of actual content. This naturally got the attention of our boner, as most things eventually do, and launched us on a Quixotic quest to discover which videogame fitness coach will best service your insatiable autoerotic needs. But buying fitness games can be embarrassing, so rehearse this simple script before entering the store...