Alone In The Dark (2005)

Synopsis: Edward Carnby (Christian Slater) is a freelance paranormal investigator, having years-since resigned from a secret governmental X-Files type organisation. He’s also an orphan, and as the film progresses he discovers that the people who ran the children’s home he grew up in were involved in some dodgy experimentation involving the innocent little kiddywinks and a breed of otherworldly monster parasites. If you’ve played Resident Evil 4, you know where this is going.

The Movie

Before starting the DVD we are heartened by James’ testemony that he’s already seen Alone In The Dark and had found it to be really rather good. However, upon picking up the box he realises that he’d actually been talking about Silent Hill. Ho hum.

Above: Yes, the parasites can be a bit suggestive

The movie begins with some scrolling text detailing the history of the monsters and the experiments. Such intros can be a great way of setting up an ominous atmosphere from the start, but when we say “detailing”, we mean really detailing. Nine paragraphs and what felt like eight hours later we know the entire plot of the movie. And as an extra kick in the nuts, we soon realise that anyone with half a brain could work it all out from the opening scene, set as it is on the night of the experiments.

James: They just put that first scene in for all the people who couldn’t be bothered turning up at the cinema on time.

4:11: We cut from child Slater hiding in an electrical shed to present-day Slater waking up on a plane in shock. The kid sitting next to him asks if he had a nightmare, and tells him that “My mommy says that there’s nothing to be afraid of in the dark.” Slater tells him that his mother is wrong and that fear of the dark keeps most of us alive.

David: People like him are why your mum tells you not to talk to strangers. 

Slater’s voice-over usefully recaps what has just happened and explains that “Fear is what protects you from the things you don’t believe in.”

David: Why would you be scared of the things you don’t believe in?

11:25: After being chased across town by a superhuman assassin, Slater kills his attacker using inexplicable kung fu skills and two unneccessary bullet time gun shots, before dropping him on the end of a crowbar sticking out of a barrow of fish. He is every bit the Boll action hero.

Justin: I’ll resist the temptation to say he’s sleeping with the fishes.

But despite the nonsense of the fight, we can’t help noticing that Alone In The Dark is immensely more slick and professional than the previous two films. It actually looks really good by Hollywood standards.

27:49: After a few more voice-overs and flashbacks explaining what we already know, Slater is investigating the disappearances of his fellow orphans. He ends up in the lab of the local museum with ex-girlfriend Tara Reid. Her acting would easily make her the most talented thespian in any primary school play.

The lights starts flashing on and off, and the two decide to investigate. We now get three minutes of Slater, Reid and a security guard wandering around with torches. The art of cinematic pacing once got drunk at a party and said something rude about Boll’s mum. They’ve never spoken since. Thankfully though, the guard is eventually offed with a really rather excellent spiked tentacle through the head.