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Our boring masked heroes


Bionic Commando
Strongly resembling Mortal Kombat’s Sektor, a number of these palette-swapped no names are featured in Bionic Commando’s multiplayer mode. So do you want to be the red guy, the yellow assclown or the wicked cool dude with the bionic grappling arm that the game’s based on? Assclown for the win!


Haze
Standard issue armor or ugly as shit motorcycle helmets? They couldn’t give these guys any distinguishing characteristics other than to make them stand out as much as humanly possible in the crossfire of heavy artillery. Seriously, why would anyone wear a bright yellow helmet in any combat situation? And it’s not like it’s even that difficult to shatter that face guard, considering it covers almost the entire surface area of the helmet.


Dead Space
We get that the star of EA’s upcoming alien thriller is an outer space engineer - hence the simplistic, everyman soldering helmet. But answer this: why is the top most protective sheet of metal covering exactly where that guy’s eyes should see out of? And is his face so radioactive, that it needs to glow slushee-blue?


Halo 3
Master Chief has been saving the galaxy for the last seven years and we’ve grown accustomed to his standard-issue military bike helmet, but what about his comrades? The other rainbow-flavored Spartans you command through multiplayer are anything but inventive. It’s not until after you play forever that you unlock the Shredder helmet. And what’s worse - you have to be a Bungie employee to get flames shooting out of your noggin - thereby depriving us normies of the best cosmetic change in the game.


Gears of War
We know - Gears 1 is old news with part deux on the horizon. But we wouldn’t have even brought up lovable sniper-bait Carmine, if Cliffy B hadn’t suggested he’d return in some form for the sequel. According to GEARScast - the Gears of War podcast - Carmine’s existence was an internal joke at developer Epic. Seems they conducted a study and found that soldiers wearing helmets in battle get shot the most because of their lack of peripheral vision. With a game full of helmet-less muscled jocks, Carmine’s entire inception was to prove just how silly all the entries on this list are.

Jun 6, 2008

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