Non-playable characters we wish were playable

As not played in: Various Pokémon games

So we could finally put down Pikachu with a lethal rodent-ridding anti-Pokemon serum.

As not played in: Duck Hunt

Who wouldn’t want to play with the happiest mallard-munching canine in games? He even has his own incredibly jaunting theme tune whenever he pops up on screen. And we want the sort of gleeful joy that can only come from duck-endorsed death collecting.

As not played in: Star Wars: The Force Unleashed

Who would you rather control? An annoyingly brooding, solemn ‘Captain Crew Cut’ lead or a droid who can morph into any single character in the Star Wars universe? Dibs on fish face from Jedi.

As not played in: Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots

Yeah, yeah. We know he was the main playable character in MGS2. But we’re not talking about that Raiden. We got the tortured, Back Street Boy-esque emo phase. We want the vampire slaying, Gekko-slicing, run along walls Cyborg Ninja of Death. And what did we get instead? A geriatric with a bad back and a respirator.

As not played in: Lylat Wars

Awww c’mon, how awesome would an 80’s style inner city Lylat Wars game be? Where the two comically mismatched animal protagonists have to begrudgingly put aside their differences to stop Andross. Please Nintendo?

Why oh why have Rockstar chosen some moody Hells Angels-wannabe for the GTA IV downloadable content when they already had the perfect NPC to star in their spin-off? Seeing Liberty City through the testosterone-addled eyes of Brucie Kibbutz would not only be much, much funnier, it would be more diverse, too. Just imagine the missions. Multiple dialogue choice quests for picking up bitches. Rhythm action gym games, so you can keep giving said bitches a ticket to the gun show - thereby avoiding any potentially embarrassing sexual orientation questions. And Brucie’s bull shark fishing: When you want to get those man boob-enhancing steroids fresh from the fish’s mouth.


  • ryno - February 13, 2009 5:16 p.m.

    sorry i meant your weapons
  • ryno - February 13, 2009 5:15 p.m.

    they should make a game starring the great mighty poo where you weapons are different types of poo that you throw
  • Stabby_Joe - January 3, 2009 1:03 a.m.

    I usually want to play as the enemy in most games.
  • stewie88 - January 1, 2009 10:58 p.m.

    Ha! It wud be some craic to play as the begger woman. Make her pay for all the times she got Altair caught by thr guards.Mu ha ha(Evil laugh)
  • loopdel00p - December 27, 2008 12:09 a.m.

    i want to play as a zombie in the new resident evil that would be sweat
  • -Spanky- - December 22, 2008 8:28 p.m.

    POO GUY... nuff said!
  • EvilInkarnate - December 22, 2008 5:09 p.m.

    The merchant from RE4 kicks ass!! My wife and I still imitate him and I haven't played the game in over a year. Good to see him on this list.
  • WeirdJamFace - December 21, 2008 4:19 p.m.

    ZOMGZ TEH POO IZ TEH BESSED!!!! (no,really)
  • KatyaSchlacter - December 20, 2008 11:48 a.m.

    the female snipers in the call of duty series(not W@W)
  • jesus-of-suburbia - December 20, 2008 6:21 a.m.

    hes not king. emporor. geez guys. get your stuff straight. im not that sweaty...
  • HungryBeaver - December 18, 2008 4 a.m.

    Ahahahaha! Great mighty poo ftw! Nice article
  • SweetNES - December 16, 2008 4:05 p.m.

    "The King"? I assume we're talking about Uriel Septim VII here. While he does entrust your character with the Amulet of Kings, Uriel Septim's actual title is Emperor, not King.
  • BioSaber - December 16, 2008 2:48 a.m.

    the better put a DLC on PS3 where you can play cyborg raiden's stroy god dam it
  • bamit11 - December 15, 2008 8:44 p.m.

    i wish to play as one person... Dr Salvador. it would be awesome to run and go cut off Leon's head. as long as he has no bonus weapons.
  • Games_Radar_DaveMeikleham - December 15, 2008 9:59 a.m.

    Brucie's back by popular demand. Well, because of one request and the fact I accidentally deleted him before I put the article up. Gotta cut back on those bull shark steroids the next time I'm writing...
  • Pencil&Eraser - December 15, 2008 5:17 a.m.

    Where the fuck is Brucie?!
  • TheWebSwinger - December 14, 2008 10:55 p.m.

    EDIT: @Godina92: "even though yur a chick"? Sexist much?
  • TheWebSwinger - December 14, 2008 10:47 p.m.

    I definitely lol'd at just the sight of Beggar Woman on this list. Brilliant.
  • Coolbeans69 - December 14, 2008 10:38 p.m.

  • kennyvspenny2004 - December 14, 2008 1:52 a.m.

    I would love to be the emo kid from silent hill 5

Showing 1-20 of 68 comments

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