Non-playable characters we wish were playable

As not played in: Sonic Adventure

Eating everything in sight and replicating that pier-chomping scene from Godzilla would be undeniably ace. But eating Sonic - so we’d never have had to endure a decade of disappointing 3D Sonic titles - would be even better.

As not played in: Half-Life 2

Simple selection, really. Apart from wanting to ‘playfully’ frolic with Alyx Vance, we just want to be part of ‘that’ Stalker fight from Episode Two. A screen-filling cacophony of crashing metal and sci-fi based violence, it would provide the perfect tonic to the gripping isolation that comes from exploring City 17’s surrounding countryside.

As not played in: Dead Rising

ZOMG! Two one-handed chainsaws for teh win!

As not played in: Devil May Cry 4

Well, she’s clearly an awesome demon hunter, isn’t she? And wouldn’t it be nice to have a change from emo, floppy-haired, beautiful men for a change? The desire to see Gloria playable stems entirely from admiration of her fighting prowess and definitely has nothing to do with carefully manipulating the camera to see her exposed nether regions. No, definitely not. <Cough>.

As not played in: Final Fantasy VII

So we could relive skewering Aerith like an annoyingly dainty, needlessly chaste salmon over and over.

As not played in: Donkey Kong Country

Don’t let that attention-grabbing, kart-driving, tennis-playing monkey mascot fool you. The Donkey Kong who’s adorned countless Nintendo games over the last decade is actually DK Junior. We want the barrel-throwing real McCoy. Aka Cranky Kong from DKC. Plus it’d give us the chance to beat Diddy Kong with a cane.


  • ryno - February 13, 2009 5:16 p.m.

    sorry i meant your weapons
  • ryno - February 13, 2009 5:15 p.m.

    they should make a game starring the great mighty poo where you weapons are different types of poo that you throw
  • Stabby_Joe - January 3, 2009 1:03 a.m.

    I usually want to play as the enemy in most games.
  • stewie88 - January 1, 2009 10:58 p.m.

    Ha! It wud be some craic to play as the begger woman. Make her pay for all the times she got Altair caught by thr guards.Mu ha ha(Evil laugh)
  • loopdel00p - December 27, 2008 12:09 a.m.

    i want to play as a zombie in the new resident evil that would be sweat
  • -Spanky- - December 22, 2008 8:28 p.m.

    POO GUY... nuff said!
  • EvilInkarnate - December 22, 2008 5:09 p.m.

    The merchant from RE4 kicks ass!! My wife and I still imitate him and I haven't played the game in over a year. Good to see him on this list.
  • WeirdJamFace - December 21, 2008 4:19 p.m.

    ZOMGZ TEH POO IZ TEH BESSED!!!! (no,really)
  • KatyaSchlacter - December 20, 2008 11:48 a.m.

    the female snipers in the call of duty series(not W@W)
  • jesus-of-suburbia - December 20, 2008 6:21 a.m.

    hes not king. emporor. geez guys. get your stuff straight. im not that sweaty...
  • HungryBeaver - December 18, 2008 4 a.m.

    Ahahahaha! Great mighty poo ftw! Nice article
  • SweetNES - December 16, 2008 4:05 p.m.

    "The King"? I assume we're talking about Uriel Septim VII here. While he does entrust your character with the Amulet of Kings, Uriel Septim's actual title is Emperor, not King.
  • BioSaber - December 16, 2008 2:48 a.m.

    the better put a DLC on PS3 where you can play cyborg raiden's stroy god dam it
  • bamit11 - December 15, 2008 8:44 p.m.

    i wish to play as one person... Dr Salvador. it would be awesome to run and go cut off Leon's head. as long as he has no bonus weapons.
  • Games_Radar_DaveMeikleham - December 15, 2008 9:59 a.m.

    Brucie's back by popular demand. Well, because of one request and the fact I accidentally deleted him before I put the article up. Gotta cut back on those bull shark steroids the next time I'm writing...
  • Pencil&Eraser - December 15, 2008 5:17 a.m.

    Where the fuck is Brucie?!
  • TheWebSwinger - December 14, 2008 10:55 p.m.

    EDIT: @Godina92: "even though yur a chick"? Sexist much?
  • TheWebSwinger - December 14, 2008 10:47 p.m.

    I definitely lol'd at just the sight of Beggar Woman on this list. Brilliant.
  • Coolbeans69 - December 14, 2008 10:38 p.m.

  • kennyvspenny2004 - December 14, 2008 1:52 a.m.

    I would love to be the emo kid from silent hill 5

Showing 1-20 of 68 comments

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