Nintendo's worst-case scenario for E3 2009


Make no mistake, the new Punch-Out!! is phenomenal. Hell, even the motion controls aren’t all that bad. But given Nintendo’s recent record of dumbing everything down, could the next game in the series be nothing more than counting to 10?



“Earlier this year we reintroduced Punch-Out!! to the world, and the reaction has been unanimous – Little Mac is back. However, couldn’t we do more to immerse the player into the Punch-Out!! world, more than any other boxing game to date? Friends, witness today the first game that lets you decide, first-hand, the next heavyweight champ. Are we up for the challenge? Count on it!”

Yes, this would just be a game where you waggle your arm to simulate a ten count. And it would be $39.99. And people would buy it.



Remember when Donkey Kong meant something? Those were the days. Since the 16-bit era, however, DK hasn’t had a great run. DK64 was acceptable (though derivative and unnecessary), but Donkey Konga? Barrel Blast? Cameo roles in every Mario sports game? When the hell is he going to get a game that doesn’t have some dumbass gimmick?



“Donkey Kong, one of Nintendo’s most enduring characters, has been a major part of our plans for decades. His past few games have focused on our unique bongo controllers, but this time he’s pulling out all the stops. Peripheral Pandemonium will ship with no fewer than seven classic Nintendo add-ons, and trust me, you’ve never seen them used like this. Watch out, lions – there’s a new king of the FUNgle!”

Think about it. Konga, Jungle Beat, King of Swing, Barrel Blast… it’s been forever since an honest DK platformer. The fact that DK’s still floating in the abyss, appearing only as a selectable character in random games, doesn’t bode well for a new entry. Sigh.



Something tells us the next time we see a Nintendo-themed art program it’ll be more on par with Wii Music than Mario Paint. As in, barely anything to do other than watch the game play itself. Just move colors around on the screen and enjoy!

Above: Exclusive screenshot 


“Today we introduce the latest entry in our hugely successful Wii brand. First, we had Wii Sports. Then Wii Fit, and last year Wii Music. This year, we’ve opened up the audience even wider with Wii Color, a drawing program that removes all the confusing hang-ups of modern art software. Simply point the Wii Remote at the screen and sketch what your heart desires. I’ve spent a few hours recreating some of my very favorite scribbles from third grade, and man, does this ever work. Color me excited!”

You know this is coming. Probably with a Crayon shell for the Wii Remote.



Well, it makes sense. Wii Fit is still selling like crazy (apparently nearing 20 million worldwide) and all they need to do is come up with an attractive box, a handful of new poses and a fitness resort theme and poof, new game. If even a quarter of the Wii Fit audience takes a bite, this becomes another massive hit.



“There’s no denying it – Wii Fit is an unprecedented success for Nintendo. Millions worldwide have stepped onto our amazing Balance Board and witnessed how easy it is to stay in shape. All they needed was a little nudge to get them going. With our new assortment of yoga positions and relaxing country club setting, we’ll make sure exercise never becomes a last resort.”

This is frighteningly possible. We’re not wholly opposed to the idea, seeing as it keeps Nintendo full of money they can then spend on outsourcing games like Punch-Out!! and Wario Land Shake It!, but the prospect of sitting through another stretchy-leany presentation makes us fall asleeeeeeeeeeeeedxmxccccccccczzzzzzzzzzz

May 26, 2009

Can Wii gamers be excited for 2009?
Seven key titles poised to make or break Nintendo’s new year

Fun with stereotypes: starring Punch-Out!!
Celebrating our many differences with a cel-shaded smile

Top 7… Mario spin-offs
Painter, doctor, savior – Mario excels at them all


  • WillisTron - March 4, 2010 6:02 a.m.

    Wii fit resort kinda did happen with plus
  • DukeEbony - June 1, 2009 2:24 a.m.

    New Wii fit confirmed.... it has begun.
  • Xeacons - May 31, 2009 4 p.m.

    Nintendo definitely needs new PR. Reggie, you're making us sick. But as for the games, it's not Nintendo, but the 3rd party shovelware that's killing the Wii (I'm talking to you, EA!). We just had the Games Radar article on the greatest games you haven't played, and plenty of great Wii titles were up there. Problem is, this all goes back to PR. Nintendo's the only one who still develops for their own console, so other developers are treating them as competitors, rather than partners, and go for 360 & PS3. So Nintendo puts out shovelware (see above) to say, "We suck, so you don't have to. You've got nothing to be afraid of." News Flash, Reggie: It's not working!
  • Hellwilder - May 29, 2009 6:48 p.m.

    Don't give them bad ideas! THEY WILL USE THEM! The "WII CONTROLLER GAMECUBE SHIT" is pissing me. They're a bunch of bullshit
  • iluvmyDS - May 29, 2009 2:57 a.m.

    A huge grin came across my face when I read "New Play Control! Gamecube Graveyard".
  • Xeacons - May 29, 2009 12:48 a.m.

    Seriously, don't expect too much from Nintendo this year at E3. Not that they don't have a lot of great stuff to reveal, but they're not going to waste it on E3. Last year, they saved all their best stuff for their fall Press Conference. Expect the same strategy this time around as well.
  • DarkMemories619 - May 28, 2009 7:52 p.m.

    hehe...A Duke Nukem Forever reference
  • protospasm - May 28, 2009 7:05 p.m.

    Not even Nostradamus could be so heartlessly chilling!
  • DoctorGordonFreeman - May 28, 2009 4:30 a.m.

  • Cyberninja - May 28, 2009 12:16 a.m.

    PinkLenny dont say that we need hope that nintendo will make a really badass game
  • PinkLenny - May 27, 2009 10:47 p.m.

    this is all going to happen every single one just watch
  • solidocelot - May 27, 2009 1:34 p.m.

    recicled screenshot
  • dunnace - May 27, 2009 12:31 p.m.

    I can see Wii Colour happening, unfortunately.
  • charley235 - May 27, 2009 12:27 p.m.

    i liked th efirst 4 mario parties a lot, the last 4 have sucked balls
  • starspike - May 27, 2009 9:08 a.m.

    Lol... Supber mockery of what my favorite software company has become :D :D One thing though: I think Mario Kart still kicks ass ;)
  • Krayden - May 27, 2009 8:14 a.m.

    Did you already know, or just a coincidence? I see where Nintendo trademarked "Wii Fit Plus" and "Art Academy". As well as "BonzaiBarber"...
  • AyJay - May 27, 2009 7:07 a.m.

    king of the FUNgle lol. in italian fungul means fuck
  • DukeEbony - May 27, 2009 6 a.m.

    Great article. But the sad thing is i can see about half of these happening...
  • somerandomchap - May 27, 2009 5:48 a.m.

    The thought of all these games coming out makes me want to cry.
  • FriendlyFire - May 27, 2009 5:17 a.m.

    I kinda expected it... The casual audience is killing the whole deal for actual gamers. I can only pray the disease - yes, it's definitively a disease - doesn't spread to the 360, PS3 and PSP too much, otherwise we're doomed. Why would any corporate guy spend huge amounts of cash on a complex and involving game like GTA IV or MGS IV when they can just as well release a crappy movie tie-in on the Wii for a tenth of the price and make similar sales?

Showing 1-20 of 96 comments

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