Nintendo's worst-case scenario for E3 2009

Nine games that could break our hardcore gamer hearts

Make no mistake, the new Punch-Out!! isphenomenal. Hell, even the motion controls aren’t all that bad. But given Nintendo’s recent record of dumbing everything down, could the next game in the series be nothing more than counting to 10?

REGGIE'S RATIONALIZIN'


“Earlier this year we reintroduced Punch-Out!! to the world, and the reaction has been unanimous – Little Mac is back. However, couldn’t we do more to immerse the player into the Punch-Out!! world, more than any other boxing game to date? Friends, witness today the first game that lets you decide, first-hand, the next heavyweight champ. Are we up for the challenge? Count on it!”

Yes, this would just be a game where you waggle your arm to simulate a ten count. And it would be $39.99. And people would buy it.

DONKEY KONG PERIPHERAL PANDEMONIUM!

Remember when Donkey Kong meant something? Those were the days. Since the 16-bit era, however, DK hasn’t had a great run. DK64 was acceptable (though derivative and unnecessary), but Donkey Konga? Barrel Blast? Cameo roles in every Mario sports game? When the hell is he going to get a game that doesn’t have some dumbass gimmick?

REGGIE'S RATIONALIZIN'


“Donkey Kong, one of Nintendo’s most enduring characters, has been a major part of our plans for decades. His past few games have focused on our unique bongo controllers, but this time he’s pulling out all the stops. Peripheral Pandemonium will ship with no fewer than seven classic Nintendo add-ons, and trust me, you’ve never seen them used like this. Watch out, lions – there’s a new king of the FUNgle!”

Think about it. Konga, Jungle Beat, King of Swing, Barrel Blast… it’s been forever since an honest DK platformer. The fact that DK’s still floating in the abyss, appearing only as a selectable character in random games, doesn’t bode well for a new entry. Sigh.

WII COLOR

Something tells us the next time we see a Nintendo-themed art program it’ll be more on par with Wii Music than Mario Paint. As in, barely anything to do other than watch the game play itself. Just move colors around on the screen and enjoy!


Above: Exclusive screenshot

REGGIE'S RATIONALIZIN'


“Today we introduce the latest entry in our hugely successful Wii brand. First, we had Wii Sports. Then Wii Fit, and last year Wii Music. This year, we’ve opened up the audience even wider with Wii Color, a drawing program that removes all the confusing hang-ups of modern art software. Simply point the Wii Remote at the screen and sketch what your heart desires. I’ve spent a few hours recreating some of my very favorite scribbles from third grade, and man, does this ever work. Color me excited!”

You know this is coming. Probably with a Crayon shell for the Wii Remote.

WII FIT RESORT

Well, it makes sense. Wii Fit is still selling like crazy (apparently nearing 20 million worldwide) and all they need to do is come up with an attractive box, a handful of new poses and a fitness resort theme and poof, new game. If even a quarter of the Wii Fit audience takes a bite, this becomes another massive hit.

REGGIE'S RATIONALIZIN'


“There’s no denying it – Wii Fit is an unprecedented success for Nintendo. Millions worldwide have stepped onto our amazing Balance Board and witnessed how easy it is to stay in shape. All they needed was a little nudge to get them going. With our new assortment of yoga positions and relaxing country club setting, we’ll make sure exercise never becomes a last resort.”

This is frighteningly possible. We’re not wholly opposed to the idea, seeing as it keeps Nintendo full of money they can then spend on outsourcing games like Punch-Out!! and Wario Land Shake It!, but the prospect of sitting through another stretchy-leany presentation makes us fall asleeeeeeeeeeeeedxmxccccccccczzzzzzzzzzz

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