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Nintendo's Big Secret: Highly Improbable Edition

So, Nintendo’s got a massive E3 announcement waiting in the wings. But as we detailed yesterday, not two years out the Wii has already blown its wad, unleashing Mario, Zelda, Metroid and the Brothers Smash. It really makes you wonder what exactly they’ve got left to pull out of their puffy red hat. Sure, we can speculate about the likelihood of Kid Icarus and Star Fox until we’re blue in the wrist, but never with 100% certainty. Although... we can easily guess what Nintendo absolutely won’t be announcing.

Mario Kart saw an end to the A-listers on the Wii, so unless they buck convention and release a sequel to Mario Galaxy or Twilight Princess, we wouldn’t be surprised to see some white horses of yesteryear released in a desperate attempt to wrangle back the hardcore audience turned away by plastic wheels and interactive scales. Just look at the inclusion of R.O.B. or Mr. Game and Watch in Brawl and you’ll see that there’s no well of nostalgia too shallow or fail-soaked to mine for upcoming reissue.

Some of these games definitely deserve an update, others don’t. But the one thing they all share is the 0% chance of coming out of Reggie Fils-Aime’s mouth come July.

Pilotwings (PilotWiiings)
Probability: 4%

 

What the hell Nintendo? We can’t imagine anyone lining up for a Pilotwings midnight launch, but that didn’t stop the big N from including it as a launch games for both the SNES and N64. Pilotwings was all about deep ass “minigames” back when we were still calling them “diversified gameplay” and it’s aeronautical chicanery seems like a perfect Wii fit (leave it alone.) Motion controlled skydiving, biplane barrel roles, and gyro-copting? The Wii’s made plenty of people rich with ideas a billion times worse than that.

Sure, PilotWings rarely gets lumped into those “greatest games in all eternity” lists, but we defy you to find a person who didn’t have a good time playing one. And underpowered graphics are no excuse. Endless Ocean proved the Wii can do Blue like nobody’s business.

 

Why it’s unlikely:
It’s hard to know whether gamers love it, or treat it like a side of coleslaw to a Mario entree, since it always had the benefit of being one of the only games available for a spankin’ new system. We liked ExciteTruck too, but damned if you’ll find anyone playing that nowadays.

Kung-Fu
Probability: 0%

As is usually the case, your nostalgia is deceiving you. Kung-Fu sucks harder than the average Jackie Chan movie. Five levels of incredibly difficult, punch-kick monotony, and your only reward was helping an ugly chick out of a chair. If your brain still tells you Kung-Fu was good, it may be time to kill it with beer.

 

Why it’s unlikely:
If the GameCube is any indication, Nintendo will only put its name behind one game that involves punching, and thy name be Smash Bros. And since 33% of all games contain kung-fu, a game with the name Kung-Fu would have to be pretty damned definitive. Do you think the Wii’s up for that?

Donkey Kong Jr. 
Probability: 1.23%

As a colorfully innovative sequel, Donkey Kong Jr. may be the most substantial Kong upgrade of all time. Son of Kong is still crawling up vines, moving keys, and kicking ass in arcades across America to this day. Denying him an update after 25 years is troubling enough, but it’s even more disturbing that Nintendo let DK get away with being, well, a deadbeat dad.

 

Why did Kong Sr. abandon the offspring with which he shares his name, only to shack up with another young chimp anyway? Nothing against Diddy Kong, but what is that relationship about? We may never know the truth, but if Nintendo’s going to continue Donkey Kong Sr.’s descent into casual irrelevance, why not let his son to go ape-shit in some kind of primal platformer?


Above: “I’ve abandoned my boy!” 

Why it’s unlikely:
Donkey Kong Jr. was the only game where Mario was presented as the outright villain. Diddy’s probably a safer bet, since a vengeful gorilla harboring a blood grudge for plumbers could be a scary thing indeed.

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2 comments

  • brando333 - March 17, 2009 10:58 p.m.

    Actually, DK Jr. is the modern DK, only littler. The original DK from the arcade game Donkey Kong is Donkey Kong Jr.'s father, and Jr. grew up to be the "today" DK from Donkey Kong Country, Smash Bros. etc. Cranky Kong is today's version of that old DK that threw barrels at "Jumpman". Meaning that Mario never ages and is immortal (besides getting killed by enemies, bottomless pits, black holes and Bowser, but the 1ups and continues revive him so they aren't real deaths). YAY FOR MARIO! Second!
  • katwood92 - December 16, 2008 1:26 a.m.

    I remember Uniracers! I still have it, somewhere... I also remember it is the only game that I could ever beat my brother at consistantly.

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