Above: It’s like looking into a mirror but... not
We called Portal a feminist masterpiece, but the goodly Chell still retains enough slavish codependence towards Old Man Gravity to set the movement back twenty years. While some say touches like wearing her hair up makes more functional, even dignified. But we believe that the repulsive Capri jumpsuit harshly oppresses the babe within, and those heel springs make her look like one of those aliens from The Arrival.
Plus, you know you’re mediocre when a legion of notoriously pervy gamers vastly prefer an inanimate cube with a heart decal over you.
Titillating Trivia: Chell is adopted and has no friends.
From: Where in Everything is Carmen Sandiego
Master thief, Carmen Sandiego has been “in” damn near everything except the billions of Top Game Babes lists populating this website alone. Inapproachability probably has something to do with it. Her educational nature was also a bit of a turn-off.
Even in her animated form, Ms. Sandiego has a sensible and realistic figure and there’s simply no place for that kind of nonsense in the land of games. Alas, this vixenly anti-hero was capable of stealing everything but our hearts.
Titillating Trivia: Carmen Sandiego has been in more games than Lara Croft and more TV shows than Earthworm Jim.
From Mercenaries: Playground of Destruction
While proficient in stealth, guns, hand-to-hand combat and the Chinese language, J. Mui still strolls on to the battlefield looking like her mother dressed her for a chilly day in October.
Although, judging by images from the sequel, Mercenaries 2: World in Flames, the developers have learned their lesson and are going after the horn-dog demographic a little more fiercely by showcasing her arms and midriff. It’s a start.
Above: “Notice me, dammit!”
Titillating Trivia: When not voicing professional killer Jennifer Mui, actress Jennifer Hale also provides the speech for Disney’s Cinderella and Princess Aurora, potentially traumatizing blind kids everywhere.
From Grand Theft Auto IV
Timid and shy isn’t always cute. Being related to a household of sociopaths and dressing like a widowed humanities teacher doesn’t help either. And can you imagine how traumatized Kate would be after witnessing years of violence and depravity carried out by the quintuplet of psychotic Irish thugs she has to call a family? It’s not that we aren’t sympathetic, but you probably couldn’t cut a fart without sending her running off to lock herself in the bathroom.
Titillating Trivia: Save before the last mission. Just sayin’.
From Final Fantasy VII
She may be gaming’s most sacred cow, but she’s still ripe for our mundane slaughter. For one, she’s clothed in 80% more clothing than any other RPG gal made in the last decade. But that’s beside the point. Regardless of the latter day makeovers, that picture below is not the martyr most of the world fell in love with.
The original Aerith looks like a ten-year-old with tits, and the only thing sicker than fawning over that is the fact that she’s f***ing dead! Well, maybe that’s being a little unfair to necro-peds. Okay, maybe she is kinda cute. But only in a highly illegal, against-God-and-nature sorta way.
Above: We hear she pulls through
Titillating Trivia: Despite getting killed in her very first game appearance, Aerith has appeared in three more Final Fantasy titles, a feature length film, two Japanese party games and three Kingdom Hearts. So, how exactly was her death meaningful again?
Do you thrive on mediocrity? Head to our Seven out of 10 week hub for more ho-hummery.
Jul 25, 2008