It’s important to recognize the festivities surrounding our 7 out of 10 week are bold and warm natured salutes to mediocrity in all its forms. The contributions of gaming alone have made fantastic strides to rarely raise the bar and present us with passable drudgery time after time. Compiling a list of the greatest mediocre game gals is most certainly NOT an excuse to point and laugh at these pixilated plain Janes. Instead, we should be applauded for finally paying them their dues.
We of the proud gaming generation have endured countless hours of titillation long before Lara Croft stepped onto the scene. Many of us grew up in a time of Jessica Rabbit, Cheetara, and Smurfette, so our standards of arousal are pretty damned high. Whether through their critical overdressage, boring personalities, chestacular overkill or ‘80s mall hair, these are the in-game dames that made us all say “Maybe. But we’ll pass for now.”
From: Donkey Kong
We love Mario, so of course we can’t stand to see his heart toyed with. So, if he has to spend his life serving at the feet of a damsel forever in jeopardy with no sign of intimate reward, there can only be one. And her name is Princess Peach. They probably have an understanding.
Above: Just because he’s a monkey doesn’t mean he won’t do ya right
There’s no room in the Mushroom Kingdom for a makeup caked hussy like Pauline. She has the unmistakably look of someone who severs fragile relationships and we really don’t appreciate her muscling her way back into the plumber’s life in Mario vs. Donkey Kong 2: March of the Minis.
Titillating Trivia: Mario rescued Pauline once more in the NES classic, Pinball.
From: Metal Gear Solid (series)
We can see why Solid Snake would go for a gal like Meryl. She’s capable of handling the life-threatening danger as well as plotlines that twist more than a strand of Big Boss’s DNA. But with all those flimsy allegiances in the Kojima-verse we doubt fidelity factors in much.
Call us shallow, but we can’t see past the fact that she’s got the shoulders of a teamster topped with the fugly hair style of a LPGA Pro. Plus, she looks like Cooking Mama, a woman so visually frightening she scares adolescent boys out of puberty.
Titillating Trivia: Meryl also appears in Hideo Kojima’s cineractive opus, Policenauts. If you didn’t play it, there’s a good chance you’re not Japanese.
From Ms. Pac-Man
Following in the “Bows before Ho’s” legacy of Minnie Mouse, Daisy Duck and Petunia Pig, Ms. Pac-Man continued the bold design tradition of slapping a ribbon onto their male counterpart and calling it a sexy day.
And it sorta worked. Although she would undergo further sexy-fications as the years wore on. But if you’re attracted to any aforementioned bowed female characters, know that a hair accessory is the only thing separating you and gayness. Not that there’s anything wrong with that...
Titillating Trivia: The original Ms. Pac-Man started as an unauthorized Pac-Man bootleg called Crazy Otto.
From: Double Dragon
Is an upskirt shot any less sexy if it’s brought about by a punch to the stomach? Whatever the case, Marian must have some other hidden talent we’re unaware of. Otherwise, we can’t imagine why anybody would risk life and limb toiling through a borough of shirtless punch monkeys just to rescue this Waffle House waitress.
Titillating Trivia: To sex Marian up, Alyssa Milano was cast to play her in Double Dragon: The Movie, possibly the most faithful game-to-film translation ever released during early November in 1994.
From: Jet Set Radio (series)
You know what men find sexy? Safety. So while we can appreciate Gum’s need to wear a helmet at all times, most men were turned off by her disregard for her exposed skin. Sure, the stems look great in before shots. But can you imagine what they look like after scraping pavement at high speeds, falling off of monorails, and getting her ass kicked in by the cops all the live long day?
Above: Nothing ruins a good panty peek like excessive lens flare
You can’t fantasize about Gum wrapping those arms and legs around you without envisioning large scabs, bruises and hobo band-aids. And you just know, she smells like paint thinner.
Titillating Trivia: Gum is the very first lady to be rendered with the process of cel-shading.