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Lose Your Boner Wednesday presents: Hard Candy

As a continuing effort to bombard your libido with ultra-confusing titillation, GamesRadar will scour deviantart.com for some of the most bizarre instances of videogame fetishism. This is by no means an artistic critique, nor a condemnation, but rather a further exploration into how our hobbies and sexuality intertwine. Also, boobs!

Look, this column isn’t about passing judgment. Lose Your Boner Wednesday has never been - nor will it ever be! - about making you feel ashamed of any aspect of your sexuality. Outside of old people and orphan porn, no fetish is too taboo for discussion here. Obviously, when you’re adding tits to ancient game characters, sure, some bestiality is bound to slip in. We take no issue with love found between man and a monkey, (“Get it where you can!” That’s our motto), as seen here, in an otherwise elegant Candy Kong spread drawn by Biggysix and colored by pinksugardaze.


Above: Be careful what you wish for... unless your wish is to be a eunuch [Original Source]

However, we’d be remiss in our journalistic duty if we didn’t take the artists to task for the potential health risks implied by Candy’s depicted act of potassium-rich fellatio. Inserting any body part into the maw of a wild gorilla is a very dangerous proposition, just in terms of bacteria alone. More importantly, even the most impassioned individual must take into account that primates can very warlike, often times employing incredibly violent methods that rival Man at his most brutal. Being the intelligent mammals they are, primates have been known to wipe out entire tribes and species when viewed as a threat. And one particularly gruesome measure involves chewing or biting off the genitals of opponents, so as to render them incapable of further reproduction, thus eliminating them from the future gene pool.

Sorry to be a buzzkill, but you should always use caution when sexually approaching simian creatures. Yes, even when they’re wearing lipstick and a bikini. What you might perceive as a night of harmless jungle passion could very well be an act of spermicidal subterfuge!

May 12, 2010


Lose Your Boner Wednesday presents: Bi-curious Nintendo gal pals! 

 

Lose Your Boner Wednesday presents: Pika... wow
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29 comments

  • Aforextreme - May 14, 2010 3:57 a.m.

    The first one of these to actually get me to lose my boner. Nice work, Chris. Now my penis is sad.
  • Metroidhunter32 - May 13, 2010 8:40 p.m.

    now see, this one killed the boner.
  • TrojanGold - May 13, 2010 12:20 p.m.

    WTF are you people talking about? That GAVE me a boner
  • philipshaw - May 13, 2010 11:47 a.m.

    Chris you are knocking it out of the park with this feature ever week
  • garfunkling - May 13, 2010 8:50 a.m.

    i do not want to have sex with a monkey
  • RebornKusabi - May 13, 2010 7:07 a.m.

    Meh... I'd hit it -_-
  • BlackElement17 - May 13, 2010 3:28 a.m.

    Id hit that... with a baseball bat.
  • Tenfey - May 13, 2010 3:04 a.m.

    Mister Antista, I applaud your ability to supply me with a boner when I so desperately am in need of one. Also this image has made me finally understand why they have those banana flavored condoms.
  • Ieatedapuppy - May 13, 2010 2:48 a.m.

    ...wait, that ape said she was clean. Damnit now I can check off another hepatitis type off the list and, probably a double check for ape HIV. Way to kick the when they're down Antista.
  • EnragedTortoise1 - May 13, 2010 2:16 a.m.

    *droop* Dammit Chris, now there's no chance I'll get a boner for the rest fo the day! DAMNNN YOUUUU!!!
  • CH3BURASHKA - May 13, 2010 1:52 a.m.

    Of ALL people, I thought Chris would be the most turned on. I know I am.
  • richomak27 - May 13, 2010 12:19 a.m.

    WTF does that mad monkey woman shave her tits or something.
  • YodasFreeBoat - May 12, 2010 11:21 p.m.

    The name of the video is "Blah blah blah Iraq mix"
  • YodasFreeBoat - May 12, 2010 11:14 p.m.

    To all of you who lost your boner, prepare to lose it twice more. Once, for the awful music and two, for the homoerotic (but hilarious) video.
  • Axcle - May 12, 2010 11:11 p.m.

    Well, this article worked correctly.
  • Cyberninja - May 12, 2010 11:03 p.m.

    why are you only ruining nintendo made games anyway
  • Modroneman - May 12, 2010 10:47 p.m.

    I always thought Candy Kong was a babe. How dare you take that away from me, Chris. How... dare... you.. boner lost.
  • 510BrotherPanda - May 12, 2010 10:31 p.m.

    Ha ha Chris, you fool! Donkey Kong doesn't have a penis, hence no boner to be lost! He shall never be able to swing his fat bat into that FATASS.
  • marioman50 - May 12, 2010 9:51 p.m.

    Rare just loved giving a rack to the most inappropriate things, didn't they?
  • ThatsWhatSheSaid - May 12, 2010 9:47 p.m.

    judging by what you said in Tdar 100, or was it 99, Ur not getting enough love for your work on this, so therefore, i pledge to lose my boner every Wednesday, just for u Chris 'Cool' Mantista.

Showing 1-20 of 29 comments

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