If video game jobs were true to life

The scientist

The video game version: An inspirational, if introspective individual, who can command men in battle with all the determination and mastery of the Desert Fox. Also known for killing several thousand aliens and the finest soup strainer this side of Tom Selleck.

The reality: Check that HEV suit at the door, Goggsy. There’s Bunsen burners that need to be tediously fiddled about with.

The student

The video game version: A peppy individual who enjoys nothing more than dabbling in deadly martial arts during their free periods. That, and beating the shit out of pandas.

The reality: If Tekken’s Ling Xiaoyu thinks she’s going to get decent grades by introducing a Chinese bear to the business end of a roundhouse kick, she’s sadly mistaken. Instead, she’d be spending all her downtime writing essays, revising and generally making her brow as furrowed as possible.

The author

The video game version: A literary champion who's capable of daring feats of bravery against supernatural forces between bestsellers. Normally a snappy dresser, too.

The reality: While Mr. Wake may wish he could wile away the hours battling possessed bulldozers, the likelihood is he’d be signing endless copies of his latest book for armies of obsessed fans in backwater malls up and down the country.

The plumber

The video game version: A big-boned national stereotype who has somehow managed to overcome racial typecasting to hold down a day job, which usually consists of fighting giant dinosaurs, saving royalty and exploring the cosmos.

The reality: Yeah, Mazza would be fishing bum cakes out of a crapper.

The journalist

The video game version: A gorgeous, inquisitive soul who leads a thrilling lifestyle, which revolves around doing anything to break a story. May often be found stripping to their undercrackers for the pleasure of perverted gangsters to obtain their exclusive.

The reality: Move over, Madison. You may think your job’s hot shit, but it ain’t got nothing on the incredible, often death-defying daily antics of your average gamz jarnalist. Wealth, respect, feats of impromptu superpowered heroism; every wordsmith of games possesses these qualities by the bucketload, as they go about their stupidly rich, rewarding lives.

Feb 8, 2011

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  • sirpsychosexy - February 15, 2011 12:36 a.m.

    excellent! I can't WAIT to start my job in gamz jarnalism!
  • TENAXIS - February 13, 2011 4:42 p.m.

    LOL of all buildings, why the KLCC??
  • Fiirestorm21 - February 11, 2011 5:30 p.m.

    Heh... That Parris Island pic for "soldier" brought horrified memories flooding back.
  • Aznzangetsu - February 11, 2011 3:46 a.m.

    Awww No Engineer? (Isaac Clarke) =(
  • keltar93 - February 10, 2011 12:02 a.m.

    I think I'd like to be a gamz jarnalist
  • philipshaw - February 9, 2011 7:39 p.m.

    Classic Meiks photoshop made me lol
  • Japanaman - February 9, 2011 2:20 p.m.

    I actually am a I student and yes, studying is boring, but I do have time to get in some rounds of Tekken, so I still get to participate in martial arts tournmaents thanks to video games.
  • GG Gabby - February 9, 2011 9:26 a.m.

    Damn, this is the most realistic article I've read on GR in a while. xD The student part is so true. :P I think I might want to exchange places with Ling Xiaoya and be a Kung Fu ass kicking student instead. :P
  • celticsfan645 - February 9, 2011 3:33 a.m.

    i now know what i want to be when i grow up.
  • grayguwapo - February 9, 2011 3:26 a.m.

    Err... correction on the student, it's Ling Xiaoyu not Ling Xiaoya... great article though... hahaha... who would've thought eh? I'd love to see Mario cleaning up one of those toilets...
  • Yeager1122 - February 9, 2011 1:45 a.m.

    Wow thank you for showing me what games journalism is really all about.
  • CoppertopJohnson - February 8, 2011 11:26 p.m.

    The picture for the archaeologist entry looks like it's from Time Team. That show is inescapable.
  • 510BrotherPanda - February 8, 2011 11:03 p.m.

    I think you guys did a very similar article a while ago. I may be wrong. But that last Photoshop with Matt... I think it's your best one of the year so far, Dave!
  • QWERTYCommander - February 8, 2011 10:23 p.m.

    Skater: Tony Hawk's Pro Skater/Underground vs. Real life THPS/UG: Collecting things like letters, objects, and tapes, going 20 feet in the air off a small quarterpipe, and destroying buildings just by grinding them. Real life: Going about 1.5 feet in the air at most, grinding rails as long as probably 7 or 8 feet, going about 2 feet off a large quarterpipe, and probably suffering injuries to the head, bones, and scrotum along the way.
  • hardcore_gamer1990 - February 8, 2011 10:16 p.m.

    Did not expect the Games Journalism lolz @ teh end.
  • Clovin64 - February 8, 2011 9:46 p.m.

    I'm a student, and I drop-kick pandas all the time...
  • GameManiac - February 8, 2011 9:15 p.m.

    If humanity lacked escapism, then we'd all make like Mario and put a gun in our mouths.
  • batmanboy11 - February 8, 2011 8:55 p.m.

    This article is full of win.
  • kachigop - February 8, 2011 8:17 p.m.

    You'd be surprised how economically secure most plumbers are...
  • 8bitBaby - February 8, 2011 6:28 p.m.

    XDD these are great! "sigh" when i was a kid i wanted to be an archeologist. then at some point i decided being a professional artist would be a better way to not earn money, starve, and die in relative obscurity. D: btw...the soldier getting yelled at pic, CLASSIC. that look on his face XDD

Showing 1-20 of 42 comments

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