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How to Survive a Zombie Invasion

Melee Weapons

Baseball bats
A well-swung bat can crush a zombie skull, though it will most likely take a few direct hits. Still, a bat is a good, basic, easy-to-acquire weapon, and is even better if you stick some nails in it, as most things are.

Axes
The axe can be a powerful decapitator, but it has a few unfortunate limitations. For one thing, you only get one try – stick an axe into the neck of a zombie and just see if you can get it out before being gnawed to death. Secondly, the long handle makes it tough to use if a zombie gets too close, so you may want to try a hatchet instead. Despite their shortcomings, however, axes are good utility tools to have on hand - for breaking down doors ‘n’ stuff.

Crowbars
A good multi-use tool, and great for killing certain crab-like parasites. If you have a choice, always get a red one, especially if you’re the quiet type.


Above: Slightly rarer than regular crowbars 

Chainsaws
The weapon of choice for Ash of The Evil Dead series, the chainsaw may not be the best weapon (it requires gas, it is prone to breakage, and sawing off zombie heads takes far too long), but it’s certainly one of the coolest, and looking cool is a big part of zombie hunting.


Above: Just try to be as much like Ash Williams as possible 

High Definition TVs
Rumored to be a weapon popular amongst photojournalists, HDTV’s are rather bulky and don’t do much more than weigh you down. In a pinch, however, you might as well hit the undead mob with whatever you have.

Swords
There’s nothing like a high-quality katana for slicing up zombie necks, though be aware that most katanas you find are display replicas, and will fall apart faster than a scone made of politicians’ alibis. Broad swords and the like are a bit less effective, for their weight.

If for some reason you’re wandering through the woods and you find a sword in a pedestal, and when you pick it up you hear a strangely familiar little tune, keep it. The same goes if you pull a sword out of a stone (note: you may be king).


Above: This could be you 

Shovels
A well-made shovel can chop and hack, but with significantly less effectiveness than a proper bladed weapon. Nevertheless, their abundance in graveyards has made them popular zombie hunting weapons. Also good for burying downed friends, though you may want to chop off their heads before putting them six feet under, y’know, just in case.

And now you’re prepared. Go get’em, buckaroo! (Oh, and look for our continuing coverage of Left 4 Dead 2 and Dead Rising 2!)


Above: He may need a bigger shovel 

Jul 17, 2009

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124 comments

  • Cyberninja - July 17, 2009 10:51 p.m.

    whens then next invasion so i can now how long i have to live
  • Jacob816 - July 17, 2009 11:33 p.m.

    This is the funniest article (not written by Paul Ryan) I have ever read on GR.
  • Scott1121 - July 17, 2009 11:42 p.m.

    my zombie killing weapon of choice would definitely be the sniper crowbar
  • foxhound - July 17, 2009 11:43 p.m.

    if call of duty has taught us anything its that occasional zombies carry nuclear weapons only harmful to the undead also if you find a box covered in ?'s open it and take any alien weapons you can find they were abundant in world war 2
  • Jordo141 - July 17, 2009 11:57 p.m.

    Braiiiiiiiiiins
  • skylar24 - July 18, 2009 12:09 a.m.

    i would totally suvive there r alot of blunt objects around my house oddly.
  • noobeater - July 18, 2009 12:16 a.m.

    round of applause you deserve it funniest thing i have read on GamesRadar sniper crowbar is pure genius in such as situation id run to the nearest RAF base with my xbox 360 a block of kitchen knives and the power tools stashed in my shed.. oh and a REALLY long extension cable. lol reCAPTURE: 'was drilling'....ye drilling zombie skulls with said power drills
  • Mozez - July 18, 2009 12:30 a.m.

    ill easily survive the zombie apocalypse by getting on my boat with plenty of supplies and going off shore because everybody knows zombies cant swim
  • GamerTagsSuck - July 18, 2009 12:52 a.m.

    I read The Zombie Survival Guide. This seems kinda stupid after that. But it's still funny. And mozez, they can't swim but you must realize that they can still walk on the bottom and climb up. I suggest getting and isolated island safehouse ready if you want your plan to even partially work.
  • Ninja-KiLLR - July 18, 2009 1:19 a.m.

    the first page got me hooked
  • GoldenMe - July 18, 2009 1:19 a.m.

    I see a few people read The Zombie Survival Guide. I have to admit, but after reading that, this article is not so funny. Sadly. But hey, good work Tyler.
  • barrage7667 - July 18, 2009 1:25 a.m.

    OH MY GOD IM SO HAPPY EVERYONE I KNOW HAS A GUN!! AS LONG AS ZOMBIES CANT USE GUNS I THINK I MIGHT HAVE A CHANCE!!!
  • Frootaloom - July 18, 2009 2:10 a.m.

    Oh god I can't wait for the zombie apocalypse, I've been ready for years.
  • Vagrant - July 18, 2009 2:47 a.m.

    I have a feeling you just had this on your computer typed up for the guys in the office. Since you're next to the Umbrella Corporation or whatever. ALSO NERDY NITPICKS ABOUT THE PART ABOUT THE GLOCKS WHERE YOU HAD A PICTURE OF A BERETTA M9 AND YOU CLAIMED SCULLY AND MULDER USE GLOCKS BUT THEY USUALLY USE SIG SAUER P22SOMETHINGS!!!! (plus I think you'd want a gun with an external safety. A Glock 17 seems more likely to cause friendly fire)
  • BurntToShreds - July 18, 2009 3:05 a.m.

    I would just grab as many metal baseball bats as possible and carry them in a backpack. Also, any shovels I can find in the garage. Recaptcha: dolphins 117
  • phoenix_wings - July 18, 2009 3:41 a.m.

    This reminds me of LegendaryFrog's "I Am Resident Evil." One of the funniest flash videos about RE I've ever seen. Crates also for pushing, not just for smashing.
  • ricangamer28 - July 18, 2009 4:33 a.m.

    i have a poster of the Tank on my wall.....he my work out motivation;)
  • EmmaXII - July 18, 2009 9:04 a.m.

    Now we know. . . AND KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! I would've said Chuck Norris!
  • CosmicSmeghead - July 18, 2009 10:14 a.m.

    In Left 4 Dead they weren't zombies, they were rage infected people, bent on ripping people to shreds. Still found this really good though great work GR.
  • Furyspittles - July 18, 2009 11:13 a.m.

    Everyone, even the game, refers to them as zombies though. Technicalities FTL.

Showing 1-20 of 124 comments

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