How to Survive a Zombie Invasion

Melee Weapons

Baseball bats
A well-swung bat can crush a zombie skull, though it will most likely take a few direct hits. Still, a bat is a good, basic, easy-to-acquire weapon, and is even better if you stick some nails in it, as most things are.

The axe can be a powerful decapitator, but it has a few unfortunate limitations. For one thing, you only get one try – stick an axe into the neck of a zombie and just see if you can get it out before being gnawed to death. Secondly, the long handle makes it tough to use if a zombie gets too close, so you may want to try a hatchet instead. Despite their shortcomings, however, axes are good utility tools to have on hand - for breaking down doors ‘n’ stuff.

A good multi-use tool, and great for killing certain crab-like parasites. If you have a choice, always get a red one, especially if you’re the quiet type.

Above: Slightly rarer than regular crowbars 

The weapon of choice for Ash of The Evil Dead series, the chainsaw may not be the best weapon (it requires gas, it is prone to breakage, and sawing off zombie heads takes far too long), but it’s certainly one of the coolest, and looking cool is a big part of zombie hunting.

Above: Just try to be as much like Ash Williams as possible 

High Definition TVs
Rumored to be a weapon popular amongst photojournalists, HDTV’s are rather bulky and don’t do much more than weigh you down. In a pinch, however, you might as well hit the undead mob with whatever you have.

There’s nothing like a high-quality katana for slicing up zombie necks, though be aware that most katanas you find are display replicas, and will fall apart faster than a scone made of politicians’ alibis. Broad swords and the like are a bit less effective, for their weight.

If for some reason you’re wandering through the woods and you find a sword in a pedestal, and when you pick it up you hear a strangely familiar little tune, keep it. The same goes if you pull a sword out of a stone (note: you may be king).

Above: This could be you 

A well-made shovel can chop and hack, but with significantly less effectiveness than a proper bladed weapon. Nevertheless, their abundance in graveyards has made them popular zombie hunting weapons. Also good for burying downed friends, though you may want to chop off their heads before putting them six feet under, y’know, just in case.

And now you’re prepared. Go get’em, buckaroo! (Oh, and look for our continuing coverage of Left 4 Dead 2 and Dead Rising 2!)

Above: He may need a bigger shovel 

Jul 17, 2009


  • lionarthegreat - August 21, 2009 4:40 p.m.

    i would survive i would just drive north and then i would only worry for half a year because of winter u southerners are pretty screwed
  • FrozenImplosion - July 31, 2009 7:22 p.m.

    I loved the practical joke haha, this is the best article I've seen on GR for a while!!!
  • fhern - July 30, 2009 4:13 a.m.

    i want to play this but i cannot? why?
  • ResidentEvilJunkie - July 26, 2009 9:45 p.m.

    This article sounds an awful lot like Max Brooks' "Zombie Survival Guide"
  • lostsouls - July 24, 2009 12:19 p.m.

    another sing of zombies large amounts of military setting up in your town and evacuations are in progress
  • sk8tingninjainda206 - July 24, 2009 2:46 a.m.

    yes thank you for agreeing now i can show people at the gun store for buying so much ammo and weapons lmao what a great article
  • deadslayer97 - July 23, 2009 9:55 p.m.

    yep it is pretty much the zombie survival guide......only worse.the sniper crowbar was pretty funny though!
  • MojoSmelz - July 23, 2009 7:42 p.m.

    yeh i agree with GamerTagsSuck because like in the english television program called dead set the 'zombies' do eventually break into the big brother set so unless you have a gun then your basically screw to say the least.
  • Thegamingkid - July 22, 2009 5:54 p.m.

    actully, what the best thing to do in a zombie outbreak is to go to the nearest gun shop, and shoot yourself. BAM, don't gotta worry, cause every one is Dead, And/Or Undead
  • Unoriginal - July 22, 2009 4:05 p.m.

    I now owe Mr. Wilde my life prematurely. Outstanding article, and now Im late for work, I just had to finish first. Why am I commenting, gotta go!
  • SteelStreet - July 22, 2009 12:43 a.m.

    You got alot of this stuff from xbox official magizine zombie edition. But hey it is still funny.
  • Synster - July 21, 2009 10:11 p.m.

    Ha. "MOST Zombies can't run". Anyways. By chance, was this article inspired by The Zombie Survival Guide? That book is pure Genius.
  • JustAPlayer - July 21, 2009 1:45 p.m.

    Well, just like everyone (at least the good shooters) i would go to the top of a Gun's Shop, i would pick up Sniper, and shoot all incoming body, as long as i have food i'll be ok
  • curly_jefferson - July 21, 2009 12:19 p.m.

    So many funnies.
  • whitesall - July 21, 2009 5:23 a.m.

    bring on the zombies im ready to beat there ass... ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! just kidding thanks for the addvice im more then ready to kick zombie ass!!!!!!
  • captfuzzo - July 20, 2009 8:48 p.m.

    even though in evil dead those arn't zombies there deadadites i consider them zombies
  • UnrealCanine - July 20, 2009 6:23 p.m.

    Shaun spits away in Shaun of the Dead and survives
  • thelonewolf501 - July 20, 2009 6:19 p.m.

    i live near a natiol(dont know the word) guard armory so incase of zombie invasion (or any other disater) i know where to go ill be safe for months.
  • SolidSnyder94 - July 20, 2009 3:09 p.m.

    This is so lame. A word-for-word copy of a special zombie-edition magazine I long ago? At least 6 months. I hope that the publishers know you guys are doing this.
  • cookie23q - July 20, 2009 1:54 p.m.

    owsome article wylde man kkep up the gold

Showing 1-20 of 124 comments

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