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How to Survive a Zombie Invasion

Guns and Explosives

Once you’ve identified a zombie outbreak, determined its extent, and planned your defense strategy, your first stop should be the nearest gun dealer or sporting goods store. You don’t have a chance without at least one good weapon, so get looting!

Shotguns
The classic zombie killing weapon comes in three main types: automatic, pump action, and breach loading. Ideally you’ll have access to an automatic shotgun, but they’re a bit harder to come by, so you’ll probably find yourself with a pump action or breach loading gun. A pump action shotgun is the kind you generally see in zombie movies - the empty shells are released via pumping a mechanism beneath the barrel. Breach loading shotguns are more prevalent in westerns – they are loaded by separating the barrel from the handle, and are a bit easier to maintain.

When confronted with a large horde, hold the shotgun at your hip and spray upward into the mob while swaying side to side. It might not be super effective, but you’ll look pretty cool doing it. When taking out individual zombies, hold the gun at shoulder level and aim directly for the head (beware of spraying guts and stuff).

Handguns
It’s important to keep a handgun on your hip as a backup weapon and for clearing tight spaces. For the inexperienced, it may be good to keep a revolver on standby as they are easier to maintain. A semi-automatic pistol, however, is more effective against zombies because of the faster reload time. Revolver or semi-automatic, the ideal handgun is capable of exploding heads with a single shot. Here are a few of our suggestions:

• Remington .44 Magnum revolver - If only because you can pretend you’re Dirty Harry, and possibly have the opportunity to say something like, “Yo undead, make my day.”
• Desert Eagle - If you’re feeling brave, go with a .50 Action Express cartridge and you should have no problem blowing heads off. Be aware, however, that the Desert Eagle only holds seven rounds, and when you’re fighting zombies, you’re usually fighting a lot of zombies.
• Glock 17 and other variants –A popular and reliable gun, the Glock 17 is favored by gangsta rappers because of the number of words it rhymes with (“I cocked my Glock and hit the block, snappin’ you like a celery stalk, gonna draw your outline wit’ a piece of chalk, etc.”), and works best when you hold it sideways and yell. The Glock is also the handgun of choice for the FBI, and if anyone knows anything about zombie outbreaks, it’s Mulder and Scully.

Rifles
Hunting and WWII era rifles aren’t too effective at close range, but if you’re a good shot you can pick off stray zombies from a distance, and clear out roads or other open spaces before traversing them. The loud gunshots may betray your location, so when attempting long-range combat make sure you’re in a secure position and have someone watching your back. A sturdy bolt-action rifle is a very reliable weapon to have in your arsenal.

If you can get your hands on a modern assault rifle, by all means, run around with it shooting things (you might want to take out a few squirrels while you’re at it, for dinner). A standard M16 should work fine.

Fragmentation Grenades
If for some reason you actually find some frag grenades, they’ll be pretty useless to you. Low range, a small effective radius, and only a slight chance of decapitation or dismemberment make them an undesirable zombie killing weapon.

Rocket Propelled Grenades and other Rocket Launchers
If you have one, and you see a bunch of zombies, what the hell are you waiting for?

124 comments

  • Cyberninja - July 17, 2009 10:51 p.m.

    whens then next invasion so i can now how long i have to live
  • Jacob816 - July 17, 2009 11:33 p.m.

    This is the funniest article (not written by Paul Ryan) I have ever read on GR.
  • Scott1121 - July 17, 2009 11:42 p.m.

    my zombie killing weapon of choice would definitely be the sniper crowbar
  • foxhound - July 17, 2009 11:43 p.m.

    if call of duty has taught us anything its that occasional zombies carry nuclear weapons only harmful to the undead also if you find a box covered in ?'s open it and take any alien weapons you can find they were abundant in world war 2
  • Jordo141 - July 17, 2009 11:57 p.m.

    Braiiiiiiiiiins
  • skylar24 - July 18, 2009 12:09 a.m.

    i would totally suvive there r alot of blunt objects around my house oddly.
  • noobeater - July 18, 2009 12:16 a.m.

    round of applause you deserve it funniest thing i have read on GamesRadar sniper crowbar is pure genius in such as situation id run to the nearest RAF base with my xbox 360 a block of kitchen knives and the power tools stashed in my shed.. oh and a REALLY long extension cable. lol reCAPTURE: 'was drilling'....ye drilling zombie skulls with said power drills
  • Mozez - July 18, 2009 12:30 a.m.

    ill easily survive the zombie apocalypse by getting on my boat with plenty of supplies and going off shore because everybody knows zombies cant swim
  • GamerTagsSuck - July 18, 2009 12:52 a.m.

    I read The Zombie Survival Guide. This seems kinda stupid after that. But it's still funny. And mozez, they can't swim but you must realize that they can still walk on the bottom and climb up. I suggest getting and isolated island safehouse ready if you want your plan to even partially work.
  • Ninja-KiLLR - July 18, 2009 1:19 a.m.

    the first page got me hooked
  • GoldenMe - July 18, 2009 1:19 a.m.

    I see a few people read The Zombie Survival Guide. I have to admit, but after reading that, this article is not so funny. Sadly. But hey, good work Tyler.
  • barrage7667 - July 18, 2009 1:25 a.m.

    OH MY GOD IM SO HAPPY EVERYONE I KNOW HAS A GUN!! AS LONG AS ZOMBIES CANT USE GUNS I THINK I MIGHT HAVE A CHANCE!!!
  • Frootaloom - July 18, 2009 2:10 a.m.

    Oh god I can't wait for the zombie apocalypse, I've been ready for years.
  • Vagrant - July 18, 2009 2:47 a.m.

    I have a feeling you just had this on your computer typed up for the guys in the office. Since you're next to the Umbrella Corporation or whatever. ALSO NERDY NITPICKS ABOUT THE PART ABOUT THE GLOCKS WHERE YOU HAD A PICTURE OF A BERETTA M9 AND YOU CLAIMED SCULLY AND MULDER USE GLOCKS BUT THEY USUALLY USE SIG SAUER P22SOMETHINGS!!!! (plus I think you'd want a gun with an external safety. A Glock 17 seems more likely to cause friendly fire)
  • BurntToShreds - July 18, 2009 3:05 a.m.

    I would just grab as many metal baseball bats as possible and carry them in a backpack. Also, any shovels I can find in the garage. Recaptcha: dolphins 117
  • phoenix_wings - July 18, 2009 3:41 a.m.

    This reminds me of LegendaryFrog's "I Am Resident Evil." One of the funniest flash videos about RE I've ever seen. Crates also for pushing, not just for smashing.
  • ricangamer28 - July 18, 2009 4:33 a.m.

    i have a poster of the Tank on my wall.....he my work out motivation;)
  • EmmaXII - July 18, 2009 9:04 a.m.

    Now we know. . . AND KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! I would've said Chuck Norris!
  • CosmicSmeghead - July 18, 2009 10:14 a.m.

    In Left 4 Dead they weren't zombies, they were rage infected people, bent on ripping people to shreds. Still found this really good though great work GR.
  • Furyspittles - July 18, 2009 11:13 a.m.

    Everyone, even the game, refers to them as zombies though. Technicalities FTL.

Showing 1-20 of 124 comments

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