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How to Survive a Zombie Invasion

Fighting Zombies

No matter how skilled you are at slinking around in the night, you’ll eventually have to fight, and when push comes to flesh eating, you can’t take chances. Listen, you’ve got zombies, zombies coming at you. Just start shooting, seriously. You can find more ammo. If by some bizarre circumstance you run out of ammo, pick up something and start bashing. Go for the heads, but if that’s too hard, just go crazy until they’re pretty much just clouds of undead vapor (try not to inhale any of it). Here are a few vital tips to keep in mind:

Stick together – You ever seen a movie or game in which someone doesn’t die immediately after the team is split up?

 

 

 


Above: TEAMWORK! 

Avoid irony – Make a remark which has the potential for irony, and you’re almost certainly going to be the horde’s next victim. Especially avoid sarcasm. Some examples are:
 
• “Yeah, right, the undead? I don’t believe in any of that Voodoo nonsen-aaaaaaghhhh!”
• “Everyone okay? Good… I think we got them all, and we’re all still aliiiiiiiiigghhhhhhhhhhh!”
• “What is this, some kind of joke? I suppose you’re all making that face so that I think there’s a zombie behind me right now, huh? Yeah, and he’s gonna take a big bite out of my heeeaaaaaaaarrrrghhhh!”

Look for crates – Crates almost always contain something good. If you don’t see any crates around, look in cabinets – you’d be surprised how many homeowners keep hunting rifles and combat shotguns in their armoires.

Close doors – If you’ve played Left 4 Dead recently, you should know that zombies can’t open doors. It’s not so much that they lack the cognitive power to understand latch and hinge mechanisms - even dogs can figure that out - it’s just that they tend to favor more dramatic entries. In fact, as a general rule, if it would be scarier, or look cooler, that’s what a zombie will do. Busting through a door with brute force is much more impressive than opening it and casually strolling in, but since zombies aren’t particularly strong, it can take them several hours to knock down a single door.

Distract them with light – Zombies are attracted to any source of light, which is why you should turn off your flashlight when you think they’re near (night vision goggles help) and carry several flares on you to use as decoys. Tip: Tape an LED keychain light to your buddy’s back for a great practical joke!

Don’t let them get too close – Most zombies can’t run, which is mostly because they’re dead. Given this, you should be able to keep the horde from getting too close. If you have any aiming ability (and I assume you’ve played enough videogames that you do, because we all know they train kids to shoot like pros), keep the undead at a safe distance and pick them off with a rifle. If not, you may have to get closer and use a shotgun. Either way, don’t let yourself get surrounded. If you are surrounded, there’s a 74% chance that someone will drop a rope from a helicopter and pull you to safety as the horde’s outstretched arms futilely grope at your legs – but those odds aren’t good enough to risk it.


Above: MOST zombies can’t run 

124 comments

  • Cyberninja - July 17, 2009 10:51 p.m.

    whens then next invasion so i can now how long i have to live
  • Jacob816 - July 17, 2009 11:33 p.m.

    This is the funniest article (not written by Paul Ryan) I have ever read on GR.
  • Scott1121 - July 17, 2009 11:42 p.m.

    my zombie killing weapon of choice would definitely be the sniper crowbar
  • foxhound - July 17, 2009 11:43 p.m.

    if call of duty has taught us anything its that occasional zombies carry nuclear weapons only harmful to the undead also if you find a box covered in ?'s open it and take any alien weapons you can find they were abundant in world war 2
  • Jordo141 - July 17, 2009 11:57 p.m.

    Braiiiiiiiiiins
  • skylar24 - July 18, 2009 12:09 a.m.

    i would totally suvive there r alot of blunt objects around my house oddly.
  • noobeater - July 18, 2009 12:16 a.m.

    round of applause you deserve it funniest thing i have read on GamesRadar sniper crowbar is pure genius in such as situation id run to the nearest RAF base with my xbox 360 a block of kitchen knives and the power tools stashed in my shed.. oh and a REALLY long extension cable. lol reCAPTURE: 'was drilling'....ye drilling zombie skulls with said power drills
  • Mozez - July 18, 2009 12:30 a.m.

    ill easily survive the zombie apocalypse by getting on my boat with plenty of supplies and going off shore because everybody knows zombies cant swim
  • GamerTagsSuck - July 18, 2009 12:52 a.m.

    I read The Zombie Survival Guide. This seems kinda stupid after that. But it's still funny. And mozez, they can't swim but you must realize that they can still walk on the bottom and climb up. I suggest getting and isolated island safehouse ready if you want your plan to even partially work.
  • Ninja-KiLLR - July 18, 2009 1:19 a.m.

    the first page got me hooked
  • GoldenMe - July 18, 2009 1:19 a.m.

    I see a few people read The Zombie Survival Guide. I have to admit, but after reading that, this article is not so funny. Sadly. But hey, good work Tyler.
  • barrage7667 - July 18, 2009 1:25 a.m.

    OH MY GOD IM SO HAPPY EVERYONE I KNOW HAS A GUN!! AS LONG AS ZOMBIES CANT USE GUNS I THINK I MIGHT HAVE A CHANCE!!!
  • Frootaloom - July 18, 2009 2:10 a.m.

    Oh god I can't wait for the zombie apocalypse, I've been ready for years.
  • Vagrant - July 18, 2009 2:47 a.m.

    I have a feeling you just had this on your computer typed up for the guys in the office. Since you're next to the Umbrella Corporation or whatever. ALSO NERDY NITPICKS ABOUT THE PART ABOUT THE GLOCKS WHERE YOU HAD A PICTURE OF A BERETTA M9 AND YOU CLAIMED SCULLY AND MULDER USE GLOCKS BUT THEY USUALLY USE SIG SAUER P22SOMETHINGS!!!! (plus I think you'd want a gun with an external safety. A Glock 17 seems more likely to cause friendly fire)
  • BurntToShreds - July 18, 2009 3:05 a.m.

    I would just grab as many metal baseball bats as possible and carry them in a backpack. Also, any shovels I can find in the garage. Recaptcha: dolphins 117
  • phoenix_wings - July 18, 2009 3:41 a.m.

    This reminds me of LegendaryFrog's "I Am Resident Evil." One of the funniest flash videos about RE I've ever seen. Crates also for pushing, not just for smashing.
  • ricangamer28 - July 18, 2009 4:33 a.m.

    i have a poster of the Tank on my wall.....he my work out motivation;)
  • EmmaXII - July 18, 2009 9:04 a.m.

    Now we know. . . AND KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! I would've said Chuck Norris!
  • CosmicSmeghead - July 18, 2009 10:14 a.m.

    In Left 4 Dead they weren't zombies, they were rage infected people, bent on ripping people to shreds. Still found this really good though great work GR.
  • Furyspittles - July 18, 2009 11:13 a.m.

    Everyone, even the game, refers to them as zombies though. Technicalities FTL.

Showing 1-20 of 124 comments

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